Digger (digzmania) wrote,

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Dealing with PTSD, Loneliness, and other Emotional baggage

So much on my mind right now, I don't even quite know where to start.

I suppose Aunt Flo must be getting ready to show up any day now, because my mind is obsessed and possessed with constant thoughts and desire for Karen. I'm so lonely it literally transcends beyond just the feelings of emotional emptiness and starvation, and physically aches through my soul, mind, and body. Why does she not want me the way I crave and want for her?

My wife loves me very much, and I do know that as a fact. But I wish she could show that love to me in the form of emotional and physical affection.

Two days form now, and it will have been a full month since we last made love; and even then it was only so that we could try to get Aunt Flo to show up early enough to not make an impact on Karen for Rob and Cindy's pool party. It wasn't because Karen had any thoughts or feelings for me, or that she wanted to express physical and emotional intimacy towards me. It was purely mechanical. Jump start her hormones, and get credit for getting my rocks off.

Meanwhile, I'm starving emotionally. I'm withering away and dying inside.

I would give anything for Karen to initiate love making. Invite me out for her smoke breaks without me having to ask her to remember me. I need her to initiate, and be pro-active in being affectionate. Just once, I would like for any encounter between us to not feel like it is only the result of me begging and pleading for her to notice me.

Everyday, I look at this beautiful and amazing woman that God has put into my life. She's smart and intelligent. She's beautiful. At moments, she has the capacity to be the sweetest person I have ever known. But, it's like being out on the cold wet street, staring through a plate glass window at an amazing buffet of food fit for royalty. As long as I don't annoy her too much, I can look all I want, but none of it is for me. The only tastes i get of those delicacies are in the scraps that are thrown out the door to the dogs waiting in the alley. I get just enough of a taste, that I stay, living in the gutter outside of the place I long more than anything to be inside of.

Just this morning, I was walking by her side, and admiring how beautiful my wife is. Her beautiful, soft mahogany brown hair lights up and shines like ruby fire when the sun hits it. The most amazing red I've ever laid eyes upon. I absolutely adore her red hair. It's one of the few pleasures she indulges me with. (and I pray that someday soon, she will give me the gift of making her blonde again for at least a little while)

And, her hair is finally getting long again. Oh, I miss her long hair so much. It still breaks my heart to think of her beautiful long hair hitting the floor this past April. I am so thankful it is growing fast; and I can't hardly stand the wait to see it long and flowing down her back again. Bouncing in a long ponytail, or swishing back and forth just below where her bra strap crosses her back.

I do love bob cuts, but Karen never let me finish hers; and the way it was cut just never laid correctly on her, and she never let me take her to get it fixed. that matter is moot at this point, though. It is just now finally getting long enough that it looks good again, and hangs down right at her collar line. (Grow, grow, grow, you sexy and beautiful hair. Grow down to the middle of my Sweet Bubbie's back)

As we walked to the store, she reached out with a finger and hooked it around mine. Holding my hand in hers. One of the precious tender moments that I so desperately long for. The smile on her face, warming the frozen recesses of my fragile heart.

I'm not sure if it's because she can sense my pangs and longing passions for her, and she takes some sort of pity upon me; but Karen has been more affectionate this past week. lavishing her hugs and kisses upon me more than usual. On several occasions, she has held a kiss extra long, letting me feel some real passion behind the tenderness of her soft lips. A tender touch, or playful tap here and there. It gets my hopes up. At least for now, I feel like there is a genuine bond and connection between us.

At least, that is, until I do something to displease her; or make too bold a move to show my desperation for her affections. I'm sure at some point, I'll cross the line. Go a little too far. Make a move that will be perceived as me wanting her physical attention or adoration; and then I'll be smacked down again. Left cowering in the shadows one again.

Maybe the pity is due to her feeling sorry for me. I have been having a really rough time for the past month, dealing with some horrifying images and memories of abuse I suffered in my past. I've been having nightmares and PTSD induces flashbacks of the things Neal and others did to me between the ages of 8 and 12. Memories that have been buried for decades, I am having thrust out into the open for my mind to view as if they were high definition video and photos. It has been so bad, that I have been seeking out some online counseling services, and working with a therapist that specializes in the kinds of things I experienced as a child.

Earlier today I wrote a thank you letter to Karen. Letting her know how much it meant to me, and how appreciative I was, for the fact that she has chosen to not attend the RuPaul's Drag race show. I do understand that it was not a happy or pleasant decision for her to make, and for her it seems like an unfair sacrifice. The fact that she has chosen to sympathize and empathize with my pain as it relates to the matter, has shown just how much she does truly love me. This really means a lot to me, and because of my past it was a situation that had the potential to cause me a very great amount of emotional pain and trauma. That hurt could have had ripping consequences for our relationship, that I honestly don't know how I would even begin to fix. This "sacrifice" on her part (which is how she put it in her own words) has made me feel more loved and appreciated than I have felt in a very long time. It also has made me feel like I can truly open up and trust sharing with her about the things that have happened to me. Something I've never been able to do with anyone before. Not even my previous therapist.

Well, I have to try to get some sleep before I start another cycle of insomnia. It's almost 2 Am in the morning. I had hoped we would all get up and go to church in the morning, but I don't think that's going to happen. At least I feel a bit better having been able to just vent some of these feelings.
Tags: bob cut, karen, loneliness, lonely, long hair, red hair, relationships, sex
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