- Thu, 22:10: My brain, at bed time. https://t.co/bZELGpWF1q
My brain, at bed time. pic.twitter.com/bZELGpWF1q— D.Mullen (@digzmania) August 24, 2018
I wish it were really as simple as my brain getting stuck on a song. Even a song as monotonous as the Shark Song.
I'm still having nightmares at night. Full blown, wake me up in cold sweats, nightmares. Mostly about the sexual abuse that I suffered through as a kid and teenager. Some, fearing that a similar fate will befall my own children. The worst, though, are ones where I fear that Karen will reject and shun me because of the things I have shared with her about my torment. that, somehow, she will change her view of what happened to me, and believe that I should have done something to stop it. Or, that I could have stopped it. that I was a coward for allowing it to go on for so long.
I also keep dreaming that she decide to change her mind, and insist on going to see RuPaul's Drag race; knowing full well that doing so will cause even more emotional hurt and pain to me. That she would decide that a night of entertainment is more important than her relationship to me, or consideration for my painful past.
I know she says it is just entertainment; but I am just not able to separate the visual imagery and reminder from the trauma and emotional pain. Her going would tear me to pieces at this point. It will tear a rift in our relationship that I don't know I would ever be able to heal.