Digger (digzmania) wrote,

My tweets - My Brain at Bedtime (Nightmares)

I wish it were really as simple as my brain getting stuck on a song. Even a song as monotonous as the Shark Song.

I'm still having nightmares at night. Full blown, wake me up in cold sweats, nightmares. Mostly about the sexual abuse that I suffered through as a kid and teenager. Some, fearing that a similar fate will befall my own children. The worst, though, are ones where I fear that Karen will reject and shun me because of the things I have shared with her about my torment. that, somehow, she will change her view of what happened to me, and believe that I should have done something to stop it. Or, that I could have stopped it. that I was a coward for allowing it to go on for so long.

I also keep dreaming that she decide to change her mind, and insist on going to see RuPaul's Drag race; knowing full well that doing so will cause even more emotional hurt and pain to me. That she would decide that a night of entertainment is more important than her relationship to me, or consideration for my painful past.

I know she says it is just entertainment; but I am just not able to separate the visual imagery and reminder from the trauma and emotional pain. Her going would tear me to pieces at this point. It will tear a rift in our relationship that I don't know I would ever be able to heal.
Tags: insomnia, nightmare, twitter
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