Digger (digzmania) wrote,

The Loneliness (Sequel to the Loneliness, Jealousy & Pain)

I don't want to alleviate my pain at the expense of causing anyone else to have to suffer the way that I am.

Projecting my faults and lonliness onto others, the ones that I truly care about, is unfair to them.

But, I MUST alleviate this pain... somehow.

I have to admit, that the majority of me wants to wallow in it. Suck it in. But, there is some part of myself, deep inside, that is fighting that mental reasoning tooth and nail. And a part of me that knows that it is the lack of sleep, and the exhaustion, that is filling my mind with unhealthy and sad thoughts.

In this very moment, right now, I just want to end this loneliness.
It is more than I can bear. And knowing that I will most likely never experience the joys of friendship among a group of friends, the way that I watch Karen experiencing happiness and joy with the "6 Pack".

A life of jealousy, trapped in eternal loneliness, is NO LIFE at all.

I deserve better than that, and only I can give myself better than that.

I so desperately need to hear Karen's voice right now.

I'm sitting here, and all I can think about right now is how much I just NEED to hear her beautiful voice.

Not something recorded, like a random video; I have plenty of those. I need to just hear her voice. the voice she uses when she is just talking with me, and not talking to the camera.

But she is 895.58 miles away from me right now (4,728,641 feet away, as the crow flies), and 978.93 miles by road. I'd give anything to feel the touch of her hand holding mine, or touching my face; but even the sound of her sweet voice would be enough to help me right now.

I want to call her, or even video chat with her, for just a moment or two; but I know that the tone in my voice would give away the current state of my mind, and would only cause her to worry when there's nothing to worry about.

She's far to far away from me for me to put the burden of having to worry about me on her mind. that would just spread my current internal sadness and issues onto her. That's not fair to her, I want her to be having fun, and enjoying her time with her friends.

I would never wish what I am feeling right now on any person I love. Not on my enemies, and especially not my dear, sweet, Karen.

I just need a bit of her comfort, not her worry.

UPDATE 9:30 PM: About 15 minutes after (8:07 PM to be exact) I posted the Part 1 to this topic to my journal, Karen randomly decided to post a series of LIVE VIDEO feeds on Facebook. I could hear her sweet voice behind the camera, and it pierced my heart like a flaming torch melting though a sheet of ice.

There must have been an angel running messages from St Louis to New York, to whisper a subconscious thought into Karen's ear between those long moments.

Karen posting those videos, at that very moment, is nothing short of a miracle.

I think that maybe I'm not in the most rational state of mind right now. One too many anxiety attacks over the past 24 hours, and sheer exhausting from lack of sleep, are clouding my judgement.

I'm going to go upstairs, kiss and hug my kids, and crawl into bed on Karen's side of the bed. I just took a sleep aid and a xanax, and hope that I can get some rest and clear my head a bit.

I just have to make it through 3 more days, keep my head screwed on straight, and think things through with a more happy mind set. My problems and loneliness, and feelings of being friendless, are in no way cured or gone away; but for now, they are at least crammed and shoved back down into their little bottle.

Hopefully, I'll deal with it better, tomorrow.

I have a full list of to do items to tackle for my Bubbie, and I'm going to need a whole lot of energy and clearnrss of mind to get them done.

Good night, and sweet dreams.
Tags: exhausted, loneliness, lonely, sleep deprived
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