Some have said that pain is the single greatest motivator of mankind. And, apparently, this week, it is motivating me to write quite a bit; as well as forcing me to face some truths about myself and my life. What I see is tearing at the very fabric of my mental sanity, and testing my resolve to resist sinking into a dark despair the likes I have not experienced in over a decade.
For the first time in years, the mental anguish that I am confronting is causing me to question my will to endure, against the desire to take an "easy out." And, for the first time in my life, I am taking ownership of my pain. I am the source of my pain. While others could ease my suffering, no one else has caused it. And even now, as I admit this, it is hard to not want to push the blame onto someone else.
The GREATEST source of my pain are two sides of the same coin: Loneliness, and Jealousy....
And they are in an eternal struggle to flip the coin as they chase one another.
lone·li·ness /ˈlōnlēnəs/ (noun): Sadness because one has no friends or company. Of the condition of experiencing isolation.
I meet the criteria for both definitions above. I experience intense sadness (on a regular basis) because I have no "Inner Circle" of friends [more details on that, later], and my social situation leaves me feeling isolated. Even when I am with people that I consider to be friendly to me, I am always on the outside (looking in) of their circle of trust.
Right now, I am experiencing the pain of loneliness and isolation, and I am intensely jealous of Karen and the friendship experiences that she is having today and this weekend. Experiences and adventures, sharing those adventures and bonding with a group of friends that hold her in regards as dearly as she holds them. Apparently, that is an experience that I will never know.
The jealousy only focuses the pain of my loneliness, and reminds me that I don't have an inner circle of TRUE and CLOSE friends, the way that she does. She is with people that I once hoped would be that inner circle for me, but as years have passed, I realize that I will never be allowed into that circle. I will forever be on the outside of that bubble looking in at what I will never have. My desire to be a part of that group, and to have those experiences, will never be reciprocated; not even by my own wife.
At this moment, this chase of Pain and Jealousy are spinning faster than I have ever experienced at any time in the past 17 years that Karen and I have been together. I want to be mad, and to hate them all for my pain; but I realize that none of them are inflicting this upon me by any intentional decision or choice to harm me (Although they could have avoided causing any of this pain had they simply said "Yes, you can come on this trip with us."). They may be the focused source of my pain, but the intensification of it all right now is self inflicted.
Their decision to inform me that... I was not, would not be, and could not be, invited to join their group on this trip proves that I am correct in my assessment that I will never be accepted as part of their inner circle of friends. And that is their right to make that choice. It is a deep personal injury that the love of my life supports that choice, and reinforces it in her own actions. But it would be completely unfair of me to deny her the joys of having an inner circle of friends, just because I don't have one.
I need to find a way to form better relationships, and friendships, on my own.
I have fallen into a pitfall where I have relied solely on Karen to provide my sourcez of a social circle; even at the expense of foregoing my own (or what small bit of one that I had, when we first met) for hers.
It is obvious that I will never be fully accepted, or fit in, there the wsy I had originally thought or hoped.
I will have to re-learn how to find friends of my own.