Digger (digzmania) wrote,

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I believe in you, and I love you. (A letter to Karen)

You say that you love me.

Yet, you have so little trust or faith in me. I’m your husband, and your partner; but you treat me as if I’m your adversary. I love you. I choose to love you, and to give everything that I am to you of my own free will. You return my love with scorn and contempt.

Case in point: The electric bill that arrived today.

Did I came in and wave the bill in your face? Did I accuse you of anything, or of failing to take care of our family? Did I question your intent or ability to address it?

NO! I did not. I did none of those things.

I had opened the bill (a bill that came to a house that I mistakenly thought we share together as husband and wife. I must have forgotten my place. Apparently I am a mere tenant taking up a measure of your precious space.) curious to see if the cooler weather we had for several weeks, and allowed us to have the AC off for several days, had made a difference in the bottom line due.

When I opened it, did I panic and question you about the bill? Did I pin it to the wall, or splay it across your keyboard to throw it in your face or bring some implied shame to you? Did I put it on display?

NO! I did not.

I put it at the bottom of the stack of mail that I knew you would want or need to see. Putting it in the least important place of the bunch. I simply made the assumption that it was already taken care of, or in the process of being taken care of; otherwise you would say something to me if necessary. I realize that bills cross in the mail, and that we only get paid every two weeks. I didn’t give it a second thought.

At least, not until you blew up in my face about it. Threatening to have mail sent to a secret safe box, so that I can’t view bills or notices coming to what I thought was our house? It wasn’t a personally addressed letter from a friend. That I would not open, out of respect for you being able to see it first. But, I will NOT be chastised for opening a bill or notice that comes to this house; regardless of whose name to which it comes addressed.

Your reaction greatly troubles me. It insults me. You acted like a teenager hiding a secret from a parent. Like you had gotten caught taking booze from a liquor cabinet, or were hiding a report card with a note from the teacher. Your reaction was childish and selfish. It was hateful and hurtful.

I am not in this relationship to judge or condemn you. I am here to love and exalt you above everything else I hold dear in my life. You are supposed to be my wife. My partner. My friend. To use your own words, I often seem obsessed with you. Well, it’s true. You are the mother of my children. You are the other half of my eternal soul; with whom I am willingly joined body and spirit before God the maker of all things.

I am obsessed with making sure that I love you in every way I am possibly capable of loving. I may fall far short of my goal, and obviously have fallen far short of your expectations. But that only spurs me to be all the more obsessed with trying harder; no matter how hard and fervently you continue to push me away.

But, you obviously felt that you needed to hide that bill away from me. So much so, that you became angry and shamed that I had “dared” even to see it. Your thought process here is all wrong. I don’t want you to feel the need to hide things like this from me. I don’t want you to feel shame or guilt. I want you to come to me with things like this. Not so that I can lord them over you, or shame you in any way; but so that you don’t have to carry the emotional or worrisome burden all alone.

I am not only just proud of you when you are doing everything right and taking care of our house and family. I am also proud of you when you are STILL doing everything right and struggling to take care of our house and our family. I know I am a disappointment to you, because I make so much less that you at my job; which you constantly remind me is beneath your approval. But don’t shut me out of being able to be by your side and support you emotionally. Let me be there to reassure you that I know you have things under control, and always know how to make things come out right in the end. A self assuredness that you have about life that I often fail to have. But, when I am with you, I have it too.

At least, I did, before tonight. I suppose that I still do, but you have planted a seed of doubt.

If you feel the need to hide something as simple as an electric bill from me; and get that irrationally upset because I opened a bill that came to our house… what else are you hiding from me? What else should you be telling me, or sharing with me? Why would you feel the need to hide or omit something like this from me?

I have learned to ALWAYS trust you!

Even if we can’t pay something today, it will get paid eventually. You always stake care of things when they most need caring for. In these things I do, and always have, trusted you. Even in those crazy times years ago when we would get the water shut off, and then go get it turned right back on. I don’t mean to bring up things from the past, but haven’t things always s worked out in the end? And, they always worked out for the best, when we addressed them TOGETHER. So, why are you shutting me out now? After 14 years of marriage, why do you have so little faith in my love and devotion for you now?

Do I have reason to worry that you are hiding something?
Have I shown you reason to believe that I am hiding something from you?
Are we in trouble? (Because if there is something that is burdening you, then it is my burden too)
Do you need me to transfer money from my account to your bank account to cover other bills, or can we borrow from your mom?

I have always s tried to be as open and honest about all things with you as I know how to be. I assure you, I’m not hiding any bills from you, or hiding how much money I have in the bank from you. Everything that I have is yours too. I give it to you willingly. If you have a need, and I have the means to fulfill it, I gladly give you anything and everything that I have. Your name is on our Commerce account. I know that you don’t often use your card, but I am thankful that you have one; in case you needed it. And I know that you would always tell me if you had used it, and appreciate that you ask. I don’t have much, and I have often spent most of my paycheck’s earnings within a week of getting what little I earn. I do try to keep a buffer in my account, so that I can have something to help our family in the event of something unexpected. I do so, knowing that you are pouring all of your resources into making sure our family has all of the things we need right now. If that doesn’t say “I trust you” or that “I believe in you” then I guess I don’t know what does.

So what is bothering you? What is making you feel the need to be so secretive right now? What can I help you with, or share the burden of? Even if it is just you Being able to talk about it with me until it can be taken care of?

Even when we disagree about things, I have never judged you, or pushed you away. I hope I have never made you feel ashamed. Because I want to be here to support and love you in all things.

You are my sunshine. You are my freshest and refreshing breath on my most tiresome days. Even when you seem to be so focused on pushing me away.

I know I tend to pull away, pout, sulk , or withdraw. But that’s the result of years of conditioning. You can only scold an old dog so many times before it stops greeting you at the door to beg for your affection. Yet, this dog still loves you. I still wag my tail on the occasions when you pet me, or tell me I’m a good boy. But when you yell, my tail tucks and I go back to my cage. It is what you have conditioned me to expect, and how to react. It’s how I shield my heart from feeling broken, and wake the next day full of hope that each day can be different.

Maybe someday, I won’t have to be the dog; and you’ll look at me as being the partner that I look to you as being to me.

Either way, I will always choose to love you. I choose to hope in you. I choose to trust in you. I choose to put all my hopes and dreams into you; because I LOVE YOU.

Please don’t take this letter as my trying to make you feel guilty or bad about anything. I only want you to understand that I love you fully, wholly, and unconditionally. To understand that I want, and need, you to trust in me and have faith in my love and admiration for all that you are.

You always argue with me when I tell you how beautiful you are. But you do not see yourself with my heart or my eyes. My words are sincere and true when I say them to you. And your beauty is more than just how you look to me. Please don’t think me so shallow or one dimensional. If you do, then you don’t really know me at all. My love and adoration for you is much more complex. Maybe even as complex and complicated as you are; and yet I love every facet of the wonderful woman that is Karen Chambers Mullen.

I love that name. It’s not a brand, or a stamped label to claim you as mine. For the gift was from you to me, when you took my name and used it as your own. Taking a part of me, and making it a part of you. Don’t ever think that I don’t understand or appreciate that fact.

Maybe one day, you’ll get a glimpse of what I see and feel. Then you will understand the beauty of which I am blessed to see in you. It’s the most amazing thing that I have ever held within my heart.

With sincere Love,
Your Pute Pute
Tags: karen, marriage, relationships, trust
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