Digger (digzmania) wrote,

  • Mood:

I'm sorry I got you out of bed, and then pushed you away.


I’m sorry you had to get out of bed, to come down stairs (to try to do “story time”), only to have to be turned away and go back upstairs.

But, contrary to the false male stereotype, I can’t just turn on or off a boner as if I’m flipping a light switch. Maybe when I was still in my 20’s, I could probably do that; due to a lack of emotional vs hormonal control. But my mind and body doesn’t function that way anymore.

When I feel rejected or hurt, I can’t just immediately reverse course and produce a hard on and try to force myself to have an orgasm. In those moments, my walls are up to shield me from anticipated (real or imagined) harm and further perceived rejection. If you are willing to engage in a sexual moment with me, you have to show me that letting myself open up and be vulnerable is more than you just throwing me a pity bone to make me go away and leave you alone; or a sympathy gesture to appease some perceived guilt.

It may take me a while to calm down and realize that you are offering yourself to me with a genuine heart and desire to make me feel loved and accepted. If that is truly the case, PLEASE don’t give up on me too easily. Walking away only makes me bruised feelings believe they were justified in throwing up the walls to begin with.

I don’t think you really understand that asking you to do story time with me, or to make love to me, is about much more than getting a hard on and having an orgasm. Yes, it is very pleasurable and fulfilling to have that be the end result of our encounters, but I don’t need sex or sexy time with you just for the purpose of having an orgasm. I don’t need you just to have an orgasm, I am quite capable of completing that action all on my own.

And, while doing that (solo masturbating) often helps me reduce stress or deal with anxiety or pent up hormones; it does not meet the emotional needs that I have. It more often than not, leaves me feeling more lonely and frustrated.

When I ask you to spend a few minutes with me for “story time,” or sexy time, or to have sex / make love, I’m reaching out for emotional bonding. I’m needing to experience a relationship with you. Like I said, the release of orgasm is a pleasurable end result, but it is not the sole goal of me needing to be with you. I desire these moments with you to fulfill an emotional need. I need those moments to feel closer to you.

When I orgasm with you, it floods my body and mind with hormones that I cannot get when playing solo. In those moments of vulnerability, I feel accepted by you. I am able to bond with you, and know that things in our relationship are not only alright, but solid and secure. Having you spend those moments with me give me a sense of security and self worth in our relationship. Our physical encounters help me connect my heart to yours.

The frequency and amount of interaction that we share together is like a barometer inside my head that subconsciously reaffirms to me that our relationship is good, and that you love and care for me beyond just the words that you say and the awesome things that you do in our home to keep this family together. Our moments of intimacy are my time to realize that you still value me as a part of that successful family. As your husband. As your friend. As your lover.

Those bonding moments (even if it is just 5 minutes where you come downstairs to let me watch you smoke while I masturbate, or when you invite me outside [without me asking] to spend 5 to 7 minutes with you while you blow smoke in my face and kiss me. I am completely at your mercy and attention in those precious moments. You are allowing me to be naked and exposed before you, in my most vulnerable moment; and you are focused on me without shunning me or making me feel unwanted. And when those few and rare moments occur, when you actually delve into the sensitive subjects of my mind to tell me an actual story; you are reaffirming to me that I matter, and that even if you don’t understand the workings of my mind, you accept me for who I am. It is a truly tender and loving moment to be sharing with you. A moment when I can fully let down my barriers, walls, and guarded thoughts, and just be vulnerable and at your mercy.

The end result is me feeling free to let myself go, and to reach orgasm. My body filling with hormones that make me feel calm and alive all at the same time. Hormones ( Oxytocin I believe it is called) that imprints and bonds me to you. I leave those encounters feeling emotionally fulfilled just as much as I feel physically relieved. I want sex, because it makes me feel close to you. It makes me feel accepted by you.

I judge the value of who I am by how often you accept me or reject me in an intimate way.

I think that I’m beginning to understand that your emotional needs are met in other ways. Through your connection to friends, close co-workers, your job successes, the kids, having me notice things that need to be done around the house, having me do simple things like taking out the trash or kitty litter, or do a load of laundry; and even occasionally going to buy fast food without you having to decide on what it is, or me cooking one of my weird concoctions. Those kinds of things make you feel bonded to the rest of us around you, and fulfilled.

But my male mind doesn’t equate the same things as emotional fulfillment. While I value friends, and love my children dearly; I don’t have any close friendships where I can open myself up and share every bit of my life with them. I’ve never been able to hang out with the guys, and have those male bonding moments (Scouting is the closest thing I have to that). I don’t have a successful career/job that makes me feel valued and needed. And while I greatly appreciate things done around the house, they do not meet my emotional needs in the same way they may yours.

You are my best friend. The only one that I occasionally feel secure and safe enough to open myself up to. I no longer have the circle of female friends that I used to hang out with, and rely upon to fulfill my social needs. I gave up those connections to bond with you and your friends, and to avoid possible conflicts or awkward male/female situations. And since we have been married, I have been nudged out of that social circle; because I am now one of the “husbands” and no longer one of the friends in that group like I was when we were first dating. So, I rely solely upon you for ALL of my social interaction. All of my emotional, bonding, and all of my “best friend” needs are met solely by you. So, when I feel like I don’t have you, or can’t be a part of what you are doing, I am left to feel like I have no one at all. I am emotionally isolated.

That’s not your fault. It’s just the way that it is.

But that is also one of the reasons why I so desperately crave your affections. Your attention. Your friendship. Your time. And your commitment to our intimacy and sex (yes, they are different things to me) in our relationship. It is why bonding with you, and experiencing life’s events with you are so important to me. When I have those things, I am able to feel fulfilled, recharged, and complete. I don’t have to feel obsessed about monopolizing all of your time, because I already feel connected to you emotionally and in the strength of our relationship.

I love you more than I have ever loved another person in my entire life. Like it or not, I want, need, and desire you. Everything about you. I see all of those things as good things. And they make me want to strive to make you happy, and to find ways to fulfill your needs in ways that I have either not yet achieved, or have failed to meet your expectations for, up t this point in our relationship.

Intimacy: Kissing. Touching. Being held. Being touched in vulnerable places of my body by you. Being invited to touch your vulnerable and tender, private, places. Having you approach me to initiate these emotional and intimate encounters; without me having to fear rejection by asking first. Allowing myself to open up to you and be completely vulnerable in your presence.

Intimacy is… the moments spent with you, when I feel safe enough to open up and tell you what is on my heart, or in my mind; without fear of rejection or dismissal. Intimacy is the moments when I am feeling so vulnerable, yet so loved, that I want to give myself over to you completely. It is the moments when I could not be able to tell you no, because I want to give everything that I am to you 100%.I love being so engulfed in your love and acceptance that I actually thrive in the moments of being exposed and vulnerable before you.

There are a lot of times when I feel that I am able to be completely open to you after we have had a sexual encounter, only because I have been able to be vulnerable and exposed before you. The flow of bonding hormones in my system tie me to you, and make me feel like I can be open and honest. Foreplay makes me feel that way too.

I wish we could spend more time together, just being side by side, after we have sex or I have an orgasm. Those are tender moments when I really want to be close to you. But it often feels like you are eager to get away from me after we have sexual encounters. As if you can sense the vulnerability and openness that I feel in those moments, and you wish to get away from me.

You have been doing so much better about being open and available to me when I express my needs to be with you sexually. I appreciate that so much. Thank you!
But it also seems that you only think about me needing to be intimate with you when I impose upon you and press you to respond to me. You only think about my needs for you as being sexual release, as if I am using you for self gratification. That often makes me feel like I am a burden to you. That means that I feel like I am an emotional burden to you…

Please remember that I am (and maybe it’s because I am older now, and no longer purely driven by hormonal impulses and a need for sexual conquest) a man of sexual needs because those sexual encounters meet my emotional needs to feel wanted and close to you. So, when I am the one always initiating sex or story time, I feel like I am an imposition. A burden. Not worthy of your love and affections. (I realize that you don’t view things that way, but that is my perception and my reality)..

I wish that I could find some way to help you better understand what goes on in my head, what I feel, what I need. If only I could write those things down somewhere…….. :-S

Anyway….. I realize that this is dragging out way longer than I had intended for it to. It’s almost 3 AM.

I pray that you truly did sleep well. Even after having to put up with my temper tantrum when my feelings were hurt.

I love you.

~ Pute Pute
Tags: bubbie, intimacy, karen, loneliness, lonely, love, marriage, relationships, sex, sexy, vulnerable
Comments for this post were disabled by the author