Facebook, tumblr, twitter, instagram, and more... All showing happy, smiling, examples of my life. And it's all a lie.
I am not a happy man.
I love my family, and I adore my wife beyind what I could ever put into words. I have a home, car, and and cannot remember the last time I was so broke that I couldn't afford to put food on the table, or clothes on our back (at least for now). For the most part, I and my family are all healthy.
But I am not happy. It has been quite some time since I have been able to say that I have been happy for more than a short time, or because of a specific fleeting moment.
I am sad. I am broken. I do not feel as if I matter to those I care to matter to. I am a personal source of inconvenience, or merely a no-one with hopes, wants, and needs that are viewed as trivial; only worthy to be pushed aside and ignored.
I am lonely. I am worthless. If I don't matter to those I hold dear, why should I find any worth in myself?
I want to be able to share my thoughts and feelings, and at least know that someone, anyone, hears me; and at least tries to understand.
I know I can't expect everyone to follow me into my madness, or to willingly participate in every wild schemes of my imagination. But I so desperately need someone who will read back my thoughts with me, and tell me that they have at least tried to view my world through my eyes and crazed mind.
But, its so much easier to refuse to even look anylonger, to shun me and shut me out. Easier for everyone, but me.
To me, it is the ultimate, and final rejection. Painful, and devastating to the core of my being. The ultimate betrayal of my trust, hopes, and sense of attachment.
All that is left is empty lonliness. A solitary existence in a dark, lifeless, purgatory.
I wish I could just fade away. Cease to exist. Cease the internal pain, emptiness, and longing for validation or acceptance from others that will never come. To forget my love for another, so that I could finally cut the last ties to hope or life.
I just want to give up, and not care anymore. I'm so numb, I am almost there. There's so little of the me, that used to be, left to hold on.
How diabolically twisted is my fate in life,.. that the single source of my life's greatest joy and happiness, is also the source of my greatest anguish and torment?
I wish I could just let go... But I can't. I won't. I love her too much.
SORRY for the rant. Although, Im sure no one is even listening. I'm just feeling extra down, empty, and lonely today; and had to vent at least just a little bit, so that I could paste the "smiley mask" back on my face.
Now,.. It's time to go post something cute or happy on my social media... (... even though it's just another "LIE")
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