Digger (digzmania) wrote,

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Sick Day: Time to put the time to good use.

With as sick and tired as I was last night, I called in and took a day off of work. I also scheduled off for tomorrow, just in case I don't still feel well.

My body hates me; but I realize that it is just reacting to how down and blue I have been feeling lately. When you are depressed, and constantly feeling sad and rejected, the rest of the body picks up on that and lets its guard down as well. I suppose it was just a matter of time before I came down with some sort of funk. Besides, a good portion of it has been self inflicted. A person cannot inflict this level of continuous sleep deprivation onto one's self and expect that the body won't fight back.

See my Phone? It's DEAD. At the moment I am very bummed out about the fact that my phone died today. I woke up from a mid-day nap at around 2:30 PM, and started reading Facebook and email on my phone. The screen just "blipped" and went black, then it wouldn't turn back on. It's not even quite two years old, and I've never had a single problem with it since I got it. I took it up to the Verizon store to have them check it out, and they think that a recent update accidentally erased the operating system's boot sector. They ordered me a new one, and it should either arrive tomorrow or Wednesday.

It has been a Productive Sick Day: But the day wasn't a total loss. I have a little less than a month until Valentine's Day, and at the end of that same week is my birthday (Friday FEB 17th). A couple of weeks ago, I saw a TV trailer AD for the next installment of the 50 Shades movies, and it reminded me that the movie comes out just before Valentine's day. I've really been down in the dumps about the lack of any sort of sex life in my marriage lately, and I'm thinking to myself, "maybe this could be an opportunity to spark a little interest and intimacy from Karen." I know she is going to want to see the movie. I think she rented the first one when it came out on DVD; and I know she has read all of the books. I bought them for her when they first came out in 2012.

A.) I missed an opportunity to share her interest in the books when they first came out. I barely made it through half of the first book back in June of 2012. Around that same time, I was upset and pouting about the whole "pool for a barberette" fiasco; which never happened beyond getting the pool. B.) I missed a second opportunity when the movie for the first book came out, and I didn't take her to go see it. C.) Then a third opportunity when I didn't watch it with her when it came out on DVD.

Well, I quickly decided that I'm not passing up another opportunity (there will not be a D.) to jump start her libido and capitalize on her obvious interest in this story series; so I about a week or so ago I started all over again (from the very beginning) by re-reading the first 50 Shades book. Hopefully, I can get through both books, and figure out a way to watch the first movie, before the second movie comes out. I'm not a speedy reader, and don't have much free time during the day. I'll have to squeeze my reading time in on nights after my shows, and when everyone else is in bed.

I plan to be all caught up on the first two books, and find a way to watch the first movie, in time to take her to see the '50 Shades Darker' movie for either a Valentine's Day date, or my Birthday Date night (unless she happens to have other sexy plans for my B-Day weekend).

As I illuded before, I don't read as fast as Karen does. Apparently I don't read nearly as fast as I remember myself reading in the past. I'm out of practice, and tend to doze off a lot. (To put it into perspective... The last Felix and Gotrek book that I read took me about a month to get through all 450+ small print pages, and I actually love reading those stories)
I fear that this may still take me at least another couple of weeks to get through both books. I've been at it for over a full week now, and am still working on the first book (which I had already read half of back in June of 2012).
And, as I mentioned, since the only time I will have to read THESE books (no way I'm carrying them around with me to read on breaks and lunch) is in the evenings, after everyone has had dinner or gone to bed, I'm going to be burning the midnight oil for a while to get through them. Both books are 500+ pages, and not exactly big print either. I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to catch up on sleep. LOL

But, in the end, I'm hoping it will all have been worth it.

Maybe it will give us something in common (sexually) to talk about and explore. maybe something in there will give me some clue as to how to spark some interest within her again. I know she has an interest in sex. She's been reading a series on "Big Girls Do it..." for the past couple of weeks. So, even though she tells me she has no interest in sex, I know that what she is really saying is that "she has no interest in sex, with me."

Maybe I can figure out a way to change that. Maybe I/We can figure out something that piques her interest in me again. Maybe something in these books (Both the 50 Shades and Big Girls Do it...) will give me some clue. Maybe seeing the new movie together will spark an interest in something we can share together.

I certainly hope so. We haven't had sex since November 24th, and that night really doesn't count. We didn't make love that night. It was a mercy quickie, because I begged after pointing out to her that we hadn't made love in over 60 days. Well, we are quickly approaching another 60 just a week from now.

I CAN'T continue to simply exist in a relationship with no intimacy. I can't continue in a marriage where I feel like I'm nothing more than a room mate that shares parental custody of our children. I NEED A LOVER, and I NEED that LOVER to be KAREN.

So, with that said, it's time to end this entry and get back to reading. Maybe I can get at least another 50 or so pages read over the next couple of hours.
Tags: 50 shades, intimacy, karen, loneliness, lonely, movies, relationships, sex
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