Karen has said, on more than several occasions, that she is tired of smoking, and that she wants to quit again; but that I am one of the main reasons that she continues to smoke. She is implying that she smokes for me, more than for any other reasons that she has on her own.
I'll admit that I find it very sexually stimulating to watch Karen smoke. It really is a major turn on for me. Especially as a part of foreplay, etc... But those moments seem to be farther and fewer in between instances these days.
- Story Time: Karen rarely invites me out on her smoke breaks. Maybe once or twice a week at the most, if I'm lucky. So that's not really smoking because of me. That's smoking because she wants to smoke.
- Intimacy (aka sex): In order to have foreplay, you have to have something else that comes after it. Since we only have sex an average of once every 60 to 90 days, she can't say she's smoking because of sex.
- Barberette Fantasy: Karen has mentioned that she keeps smoking so that she can fulfill my Barberette fantasy, for when she cuts my hair. Well, I've been asking her to make that happen for over 4 years now; and my current hair length is testament to that not happening. There are dozens upon dozens of entries in this journal, detailing when, why, how, and oh so much more about me wanting her to be my "Smokin' Hot Barberette." (You don"t even have to read every journal entry to find them. Just click on the Barberette tag, and start reading. But she has ignored my requests, pleas, and begging. She refuses to so much as check in and read my journal even just now and then.)
She will say that she hasn't cut my hair for me because I always say I'm not ready. The only reason I have said I"m not ready, is because the Barberette fantasy is the ultimate form of foreplay; and as I mentioned above, you can't have foreplay when there's no "play" to come after it. You can't expect me ro expose the most erotic, sensitive, and vulnerable aspect of my sexual psyche to you, when you ignore every single other facet of our intimate lives together. It doesn't work that way.
I'm not going to have her cut all of my hair off, just for the sake of cutting it off. Shaving my head is not a "bucket list" item for me. Aside from the erotic factor in the simple act of shaving... Giving my hair to her is truly a two way gift of love; and is a symbolism of the trust, commitment, and intimacy between us.
Currently, we have trust and commitment, but there is no intimacy.
When I am convinced of Karen's commitment to improving the level of intimacy in our relationship, she can do ANYTHING* she wants with my hair. I would gladly give it to her in a heartbeat. (*Cut it, bob it, buzz it, or shave it. She could even bleach or color it, or give me Brad Pitt's haircut from the movie Fury. I wouldn't care, as long as I have her devoted love and an intimate relationship with my wife.)
But, I'm not some toy to play with once, break, and then throw away; and neither is my hair. I'm not some dog that you can pat on the head as you come in the door, and ignore the rest of the day, and expect that I will come at your whim. Other people pat me on the head too, but it's you I want to roll over for, and show you my belly while I bury my nose in your lap or kiss your face. But I'm left laying on the floor, patiently waiting.
So, if all of the reasons that I would have, for wanting to watch her smoke, aren't actually happening on a regular basis, who is she really smoking for?
I do enjoy getting to watch her light up and smoke when we are out and about together. It's sexy to be in the car, and watch her. It's a guilty pleasure. Especially when she blows her smoke at me, or catches me watching her, and she makes sure I want to keep watching.
But I don't find it sexy to see how much she is smoking every day as part of her habit.. She is currently smoking about a pack per day. That really worries me; and the concern for her health outweighs the turn on factor that I get from any of the above mentioned scenarios.
So, I have decided to remove ME as a factor in this equation. If she is thinking she can't quit because I don't want her to, or because I'll throw a pouting tantrum, that's all out the door. I just told her that I think she should quit.
What happens next is in her court.
Either way, I just want to make sure my Bubbie is happy and healthy. I want to spend the rest of my life with her; and even though she drives me to the brink of sanity most of the time, I'd prefer that will be for a long, long time.