Digger (digzmania) wrote,

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It hurts... when it seems that ALL I ever hear is NO

Can I make out with you? NO

Can I make love to you? NO

Could you tell me a story? NO (not only do you tell me no, you scream at me)

Can I touch you? NO

Could you please touch me? NO

I could have found a roommate at any time in my life. I would rather have a WIFE. A PARTNER. Someone who not only loves me, but wants and desires me in return. Every time I hear that "NO" (regardless of how it is said, or the words used to say it) another piece of me dies inside. Another hole pierces my heart. Another bad memory haunts my mind at night to fuel my insomnia. Another brick goes into the wall that I build between us, to shield me from the hurt and rejection.

I'm certain that the next time you need something from me, I'll hear your sweet voice calling... "Honey, Sweetie, Putle, or Pute Pute." And like the trained dog I've appatently become to you, I'll eagerly come running, eager to please. I'll get a hug, a kiss, and maybe a long hug or pat on the back. But if I dare let my gaze linger longingly a moment too long, or I initiate a tender touch that implies my desire for you, I'll receive some sort of reaction that will communicate the all too familiar "NO."

I love you with all my heart, and I know you love me too. Every day I reaffirm my choice to love you.

I am still glad I married you, and will be faithful to you till the day I die. I wouldn't change that fact. But I honestly could never have believed that when I heard you say "Yes," followed by "I Do," that it would eventually lead me to living a life repeatedly filled with the word "NO" every time I need and want physical intimacy with you.

Even worse. A life where a "yes" comes only after days, weeks, or months of begging; or because you feel obligated, or guilted, into it for whatever reason. Then you either "give it up" or tell me its time as you sulk towards the bedroom as you tell me "come on, let's get this over with." I hate hearing those words come out of your mouth. They hurt almost as much as hearing "no;" because it feels like I'm forcing you to do something you can't give to me on your own.

I would like for you to honestly ask yourself the following questions: When was the last time you initiated any kind of sexual contact with me? When was the last time you touched me? (Not the last time you let me touch you, or the last time you let me have sex with you. But, The last time you reached out with your hand, and intimately touched me.)
When was the last time you showed me that you wanted, or desired, me?
Tags: dissapointed, karen, rejection, relationships
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