Digger (digzmania) wrote,

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I swear, if Aunt Flo "GETS SOME" before I do....

I just can't take it any more.....
(BTW... by "gets some," I mean "pussy.")

Old habits are apparently all too easy to fall back into.

Every time it seems that karen and I make some progress in this area, and it looks like we have a shot at a more normal intimate love life, Aunt Flo comes around and everything that was accomplished in the prior month gets thrown out in the trash like the bloody tampons she leaves behind.

Bubbie and I managed to go a few weeks, where a conscious effort was made to share intimate moments on a more regular, and normal, schedule. That came to a screaching halt once Aunt Flo showed up in our house, for her July monthly visit.

As of this evening, I havent had intimate relations with my wife since July 9th; and not due to any lack of interest, or constant asking, on my part. In fact, I ask AND get shot down so frequently, that it is truly demoralizing and depressing. It literally keeps me up at night, thinking about how often I am pushed away or shut down when I try to initiate intimate moments.

I know that my wife loves me. On a scale of 1 to 10, my wife's love for me is hands down a 10 on most days; and even an 8.5 on days when we might be arguing or fussing about something.

But "KNOWING" that you are loved is only half the factor when determing how loved a person feels.

There's another aspect of INTIMACY: Feeling wanted, needed, and desired, by your spouse... that is just as important.

For most women, this second category of Feeling Loved is a cumulative total from a great many things: help around the house, being provided for, seeing that the family is nurtured and cared for, receiving gifts or flowers, romantic gestures, being reminded they are attractive to you, and then the last 5% to 10% may be physical intimacy (i.e. sex).

For most men, and I definitely fall into this category, most of those criteria that women crave for the second aspect of feeling loved, are all items, that for a man, clearly fall in the first category of KNOWING you are loved.

For me, a HUGE part of what defines Intimacy, is being able to say that I know I am wanted and desired; without me having to ask or beg for that attention or feedback. Physical or Sexual contact can easily account for 80% of that.

In a relationship with a regular sex life, these feelings of doubt or absence don't crop up nearly as quickly after the last physical encounter.
But, when there are weeks or months in between intimate and sexual encounters, it only takes a day or two for self doubt, or security within the relationship, to rear its ugly head.
Each day that goes by, without an intimate touch or caress, or some sort of bonding moment between us, breeds a touch of insecurity. The basic need isn't being met, and the foundation of the relationship feels shaky.

I often find myself asking: Did she initiate sex at any point in the past month (or ever)? Did she touch me in an intimate or sexual way? Kisses, hugs, cuddling, snuggles, and random hand to sensitive areas make up another 10%. The last 5% to 10% or so is being told I am handsome to her, stroking my ego so to speak, asking me to do things I know she could do for herself, but wants meto do for her anyway.

But back to that 80% of needing physical intimacy. If those needs aren't acknowledged or addressed in some way; it doesnt matter how much a man knows he is loved....

You can cook every meal like it is a feast, - wash every shirt, pants, underwear and sock we own, - have a spotless house top to bottom, - plan every social event (birthday, sleep over, etc...) and nurture the kids better than any other person could.... the aspect score of feeling loved can still be deflated by the fact that I don't feel wanted or desired by the one and only person I 'NEED' that assurance from.

This lack of intimacy in my relationship tears at the very core of who I am. I never had body shame issues, before my wife stopped letting me feel wanted. I never obsessed about feeling unwanted or lonely until I felt shunned and ignored intimately. I never had issues of waking in the middle of the night, and binge eating to feed my depression and doubdts of self worth. I literally carry the depression from lack of intimacy with me throughout the day; in the form of about 45 pounds of fat sitting on my gut (the worst way a man can carry excess weight). The lack of intimacy in my life is the driving cause for my high blood pressure. It is the single largest contributing factor for any feelings of depression that I experience. it is the leading cause of my insomnia and poor sleep patterns. It is a driving factor in causing the physical conditions that lead to my migraine headaches.

The lack of INTIMACY in my relationship with my wife, is literally killing me; on both a mental and physical level.

Yes, I know I AM LOVED. In that way, I am blessed. Even today, on a day when Karen and I argued, I give her a 10 out of 10 in that category....

But right now, my INTIMACY score is drained like a depleted battery. I'm barely reading a 1.5 or maybe a 2; and once you average those two aspects of FEELING LOVED together.... that doesn't end up leaving me FEELING all that loved.

Right now, I feel like Im in a race with Aunt Flo, to see who gets to FEEL loved by Karen more.... and I dont want to lose this race again this month.... Like so many other months. Every time that Aunt Flo comes around, and it has been weeks,or months, since I last was able to make love to Karen, it rips me apart formteh inside out. it is the most depressing time of the month for me; especially in light of the fact that I sense her hormone changes adn am usually in a heightened sense of arrousal every time that I am in the same room as my wife.

I dont want to have to race, battle, fight, or feel envious of Aunt Flo at all. I would rather be able say, "Aunt Flo is here? No big deal, we can pick up our normal routine as soon as she is gone. In the mean time, let me focus on other areas of our intimate love life." We could cuddle more. Go to bed at the same time. watch a show while cuddled up onthe couch together.

All things that I feel too resentful to do most of the time, because I'm feeling too hurt, emotionally, to want to even be in the same room as the person I really most want to be with at all times. I don't even feel like I can go sleep in our bed at night, because I don't feel I belong there.

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