After these messages, We'll be right back.
Going to take a brief break from posting music videos to my Facebook wall, to briefly address an issue from this past week. Based upon my last entry, I suppose things are still on my mind, so it's time to think them through and write about what I'm thinking and feeling.
Last tuesday, I made an empassioned journal entry (as I frequently do); but this time, I made the mistake of not changing the security setting of the post to "private" or even "friends" before clicking the "post to digzmania" button. So, rather than posting an entry, adn having 24 to 48 hours to sit on it, and think it over before going back to review and possibly edit the entry; it was immediately out there for potentially anyone to read.
I have long been convinced that no one even reads this journal any longer. At least no one by myself, the search engine bots, and maybe an occasional rendom LJ user that clicks here by mistake.
But, as it turns out, my Mother-in-Law apparently reads these rantings and ravings from time to time. Like I said, it was an empassioned entry, that I had no intention of ever publishing in its original format to public view. I was rude, crude, and vented pure raw emotion out onto the page. It was my intention to not even review the entry for at least a week. But, as I said, it was read; and due to the nature of the content vomited out onto the page, my MIL felt it necessary to bring it to the attention of my wife.
that's where it gets really interesting...
Instead of reading my entry, and having a natural inclination to seek clarification, or to have concern enough to discuss the matter and ask me why I would write something so full of emotion (and obviously from a state of vexation), she barged down the stairs to my quiet polace of refuge to verbally and emotionally attack me in a state of full crazed rage and fury. There were threats of blackmail, and accusations; all while I was dressed up one side and down the other with everything mean and hateful that she could think of to hurl at me.
Oh, she asked questions. But they weren't questions that had an intention to seek understanding. they were questions that ended in viscious barbs of accusation. they were questions that lead into her own next verbal attack. Instead of seeking to have a conversation with me on the issue, she only sought to thrash me into a state of submission and guilt.
"THIS!" she screamed, "Is why I refuse to read your journal!" "And don't bother going back to delete the entry. I have saved a copy and will be sending it to everyone you know. See how your friends feel about you after tehey read what you wrote about them."
Well, if she had made an effort to actually have a civilized discussion with me, she would have learned that I didn't write it about them, or even for the purpose of anyone other than myself to read. Including her.
THIS! Is exactly why I put almost every entry I write behind a private security setting, adn leave it there until I have had a chance to go back and review my own thoughts and intents. The majority (greater than 50%) of what I write on a regular basis never sees the light of day (so to speak) on this journal. I either delete the portions that don't truly reflect my long term feelings and recordings of the moment,or are copied and pasted over to a completely private storage source for later reflection.
But, that's not the true issue and point here. The true issue that is currently darkening my spirit is the fact that she was stirred to such passionate anger so suddently; without any natural instinct or inclination to approach me with the intent to seek out the nature behind my writing.
This is the woman that I claim as being my best friend. The person who should have my interests at heart at all times. Who should see me vent somthing in pain or frustration, and have an innate desire to seek resolution and understanding.
To use a visual analogy, as I like to do: She saw me in a a vulnerable moment of pain and disappointment. My spirit was on fire about somthing that had hurt my feelings. But, instead of coming to the rescue to see if she could throw water onto the flames, or even better understand the source of fire... her instinct and intuitive response was to throw gasolene onto the flames to make it hurt even more.
I love Karen with all of my heart, but how do I continue to build a basis of trust after that? I understand that most people take two steps forward and one step back when they are trying to deal with the natural squabbles and disagreements that come up oin any relationship; but too often I feel like we take two steps forward and then have to run in the opposite direction in full retreat. And I'll be completely honest.... my nerves adn snse of stability are shot to Hell and back. It's like walking on a bed of shattered glass, with no shoes on. Every step is terrifying.
It's not all like that. But damn. Just when things seem like they are going smoothly, and trust is building up in my heart, it seems like something like this (and I'm specifically referring to her reaction to what I wrote, not the original subject that caused me to write the netry to begin with) swoops in and tears it all back down again.
Since that night, I've had time to lick my wounds. I'm making the daily effort to put the structure of trust back into place. But the defensive walls have gone back up again too. I once again find myself justified in bottling things up inside of me. I find solid rationale and sound examples to form the basis of sticking tot he policy of not sharing my ttrue thoughts and feelings with the person I most want to share them with.
How can I logically find cause to open up my heart, my mind, my feelings or emotions to share the most intimate aspects of myself with her; when I am in constant fear of rejection or the type of harsh retribution that I faced that night. What person in their right mind could do so? Seriously, I'm asking anyone. How does a person continue, day after day, to expose their most vulnerable side; when there is a very real threat of being punished or emotionally destroyed for opening up one's defenses?
She says that she needs me to be more open. Talk to her. Share my feelings with her.......
Well, for a breif moment, you saw me in a hurt and vulnerable moment. But instead of comeing to me to seek clarification and understanding; you rolled right over me with anger, and harsh hurtful words. You need to take a moment to stop and think about which one of those two options you truly wish to pursue, because they are complete opposites of one another. And I can't continue to afford to guess which one to plan for and expect at any given random moment.
I can't come to you to open myself up while having to hold a steel shield in front of my heart. The burden is too heavy, and trying to do both is exhausting me beyone my ability to effectively make either work.
For now, I will slowly begin to open my heart back up. I will seek ways to rebuild the trust. I will tip toe around the thoughts and feelings that I have, and the issues I wish to share or discuss. I'll either find ways to share and address them,or I will tuck them away into the shadows and try to ignore them until it is either too late to do anything abou them, or they fade away into oblivion.
I love you. Some times I can't find a specific reason why at that moment. But I chose to love you in those times as much as I love you during the times when you make my heart sing your praises. Why? Because I love you. that's all I need to know....