Digger (digzmania) wrote,
Digger
digzmania

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WTF? Are you seriously doing this now?

I literally sat at my work desk ( during my morning break ) this morning, scrolling through my recent writings, and trying to think of the best possible way to start up a conversation about all of the things I have been researching and writing about in so many entries over the past couple of months.  Even though some of the entries that I wanted to specifically share with Karen go as far back as April, I was thinking it would be best to focus on the topics and thoughts from just the past month.

I was wishing that I had taken the day off of work. I could have stayed home to be with her, and by her side. Even though she would be working, I could chill out, relax, and wait for an open opportunity to bring up the topic, and suggest sharing some of my recent thoughts and feelings with her. I figured that once we got to talking, and had an ongoing dialog, I could suggest pulling up my journal entries. That way I could be more articulate in sharing what was on my mind and heart, and show her the photos and thoughts I had collected. I even started our morning IM chat with telling her that I wish I had stayed home to be with her.

I don't know why I have such a hard time just talking things out face to face. I guess the constant fear (reality) of rejection has wired my brain to just not bring things up. To default to keeping my thoughts and feelings tightly bottled up, and keeping things that often really matter to me to myself. Literally just one hour later, my reasons for that behavior were completely validated and justified.

I'm sitting at my desk, debating on whether or not to bring up the subject of her hair, my hair, and my desire to ask her to please quit smoking this Summer.

I was literally at my desk wracking my brain: trying to figure out a way to share my thoughts, ideas, and fantasies for her to be my Blonde Bombshell Barberette later this Fall. Trying to tell her how I want her to shave my head, so she cannot have me as a reason to continue smoking.  I'm debating on which entry to share with her first, and how to approach it in a way that both expressed my gratitude for her generous gift and actions with her hair over the past year,  while also adequately presenting my desires for the remaining Summer months and early Fall...

Then out of the blue she sucker punches me broadside with this conversation:

Mullen, Karen [GCB-OT] [10:36 AM]:
whatever you have in your mind that involves my long blond hair
better make it happen soon

i am done with it.....LOL

Mullen, Dwight A [GCB-OT] [10:36 AM]:
So, I'm guessing you wouldn't want to get your roots done this weekend? lol

Mullen, Karen [GCB-OT] [10:36 AM]:
there's that pic of you , me, and greg at the bar where i was rubbing both your bald heads
i want that style again
i was preggers with dini

She hit me in the gut with a one two punch. Not only did she want to get rid of her sexy blonde hair, she wanted to chop it all off into a spiky pixie like style. I was already nervous about the idea of cutting her long hair short, but bobbing it made it seem worthwhile. Now, there would be NOTHING left of my hopes and dreams:

No blonde bob, No Blonde Barberette. Not even the possibility of a blonde crop cut down the road. No gradual transition from platinum blonde to dark blonde, then to golden browns changing into reds. Just straight to no more blonde and all her gorgeous long hair lying on the floor. Everything that I adore and admire just GONE. I was at a complete loss for words.

I panicked. And I responded with the only thing that came to mind.


Mullen, Dwight A [GCB-OT] [10:38 AM]:
Can I color your hair dark red again?

Mullen, Karen [GCB-OT] [10:39 AM]:
I can go red again, with some highlights around the front/top/crown
whatever you call it (there was also a few comments about our plans to cut down Dini's bed mixed into the conversation)

Mullen, Dwight A [GCB-OT] [10:41 AM]:
I'm fine with that.

Mullen, Karen [GCB-OT] [10:41 AM]:
which? the bed or my hair? lol

Mullen, Dwight A [GCB-OT] [10:41 AM]:
buying her the bed she likes from IKEA

Mullen, Karen [GCB-OT] [10:41 AM]:
anyway, i can go red again, with some highlights around the front/top/crown

Mullen, Dwight A [GCB-OT] [10:41 AM]:
And, I'll color your hair red for you too, if that is what you want.

Mullen, Karen [GCB-OT] [10:42 AM]:
well, we can ask Kris.....i don't think i can go straight to red....i had aso asked curtis....as much "bleach", if you will, that is in my hair, putting straight red on it would not result in red
it will have to be a couple of stages, but, in a few months, by fall, will be back to red
:-)
i LOVED my short choppy hair
i quit getting it cut in fall of 2009 when i started at citi
as we know, i was serioulsy depressed and didn't care anymore
well, 99% of the time i wear my hair up and out o fo my face
so, i am wanting to go back spikey

Mullen, Dwight A [GCB-OT] [10:44 AM]:
I know. I have loved it long. Not sure why, but I really do. (I honestly do. I LOVE and adore her long hair)
But I also know you are ready for a change.... just nervous about seeing you go back to short again... but Im open to it.

Mullen, Karen [GCB-OT] [10:45 AM]:
i am NOT asking permission, just letting you know what I am going to do to MY hair
it shouldn't matter if you are or aren't
my hair
i am giving you the curtesy of giving you a head's up, in case you had any plans involving my longish blond hair, that you should do it now
i didn't want you to panic and freak out

Too late! By this point in our conversation I was completely numb and quite literally getting sick to my stomach. Bile was churning in my stomach, and trying to force its way up my esophagus. It was all I could do to keep from vomiting, and choking on what my stomach and nerves were trying to force up to my mouth.

She has to have read my journal entries sometime within the past couple of days. It seems that every time that I express any kind of desire or admiration for something, she immediately seeks out any means to destroy it. This has to be some cruel method to suck the life right out of me. Why else would she bring it up now? Seriously... Why now?

Why does she hate me so? I just don't understand. right now, I am numb. I'm at a loss for what to think or even say.

And why does she always have to spring crap on me like this while I am at work? I fully realize that I have a communication problem, with not being easily able to express my thoughts and feelings face to face. That's often why I journal. And I admit my problem. Occasionally I even try to take direct action to address this very issue, and I try to be more vocal about my thoughts and needs.

But Karen has a problem with communication as well. She brings these kinds of topics up over IM, to directly avoid having to be face to face with me when she springs them on me. It's not fair. it is so difficult to express feelings and emotions over an instant message. It's hard to put context and tone to what is being said.

I don't know what to do next. I certainly can't bring up all of my journal entries at this point. or, do I ? Apparently, I have until Saturday to figure this whole thing out. It's like being trapped in a cell, while staring at a ticking time bomb. No matter which wire (hair) I cut at this point, the whole thing is going to explode into my face anyway.

Am I cursed? Am I being repeatedly punished for some unforgivable sin? I just feel so hopeless, and defeated. I want to give up, and run away. Every time I think I'm getting things figured out, and put on some sort of path and plan, my whole world is ripped out from beneath my heart.

I give up. I am literally CRUSHED! Mind, body, and spirit.  This time I think I'm quite  possibly done. Yes. I'm done. I give up. I don't have even the slightest idea or clue as to what to do next.

Am I dead? Am I somehow stuck in purgatory, with the delusion that I am still alive?

I need toime to chill the F! Out, and collect my thoughts and feelings. But time is against me here. Why is it always a rush to execute change? 5 days. that's all I have left. 5 days. Seriously? D O N E

Tags: barberette, blonde, blonde hair, bob, karen, karen's hair, relationships, smoking fetish
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