Digger (digzmania) wrote,

2 yrs & the rift keeps growing...

Two years ago, this very night, I spent my first "night on the couch" and a rift was born between myself and the woman I had loved. At first I truly believed that the crack could be repaired, and that with time even the scar of the crack would fade away. I did everything that I knew to do, and even spent countless hours seeking advice, reading, and learning to do the things that I did not know how to do on my own. At the end of two months it appeared as if my efforts had all been in vain and my time mispent. [I now realize that even though they did not result in what I desired to happen, I AM much better off for what I have learned. I am a much better man than I ever was prior to my hard work and study.]

Then came the day, on the first of November 1999, when that crack revealed itself to in fact be a great rift. Even then I was naive enough to believe that it could be repaired. I was determined to make profound changes and advances in my life to facilitate that repair. What I didn't realize, for quite some time, was that I was the only one making any repairs; while the other person in my life was only continuing to tear down any remaining supports.
It takes two to make any relationship, and in this case there was only one person who even cared about it in the first place.

I had been ignorant to the fact that the rift had existed for quite some time, even before the crack ever made its presence known to me. I admit that I had a great deal to do with the creation of that rift, but it was not made alone. At some point in time she decided that it was not worth trying to fix the rift, and in response sought to tear it as wide open as any person possibly could. Because I was blind to what was truly happening, the rift became larger than either one of us knew how to cope with. Only God can repair such a tear in the lives of two people, and unfortunately by this time only one of us was willing to turn our heart and mind back to the light.

Over the past two years that rift has grown to proportions equivalent to the Grand Canyon. Where once I blindly held on to hopes of a reconciliation someday, I am now only pushed farther away by every word and action of the person I once loved more than life itself. Although I will always care for who she was, I can never again hold that kind of love for her in my heart. The full revelation of her infidelity and actions have seen to that.
Mine is a new world, now, with new hopes and new dreams. To look back only brings back pain and heartache. So many possibilities, flushed down the toilet like bodily waste. Since I have come to realize that I am only partially to blame for those pains, I am now able to leave them behind me.

VIVE LE GRAND CANYON! To new worlds and new dreams. Hopes for tomorrow and all the days to follow. To, becoming a better man and a better person. If only those who have left my circle of friends could see what it is that they're missing... It is for them that I now weep, not me.

Tags: digzmania, journal recaps
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