Digger (digzmania) wrote,

Sorry doesn't mean anything unless the behavior changes

  • Dwight Mullen

    thanks so much, for inviting me out. oh, yeah. that's right. you didn't. "good night"

  • 2/5, 11:08pm
    Dwight Mullen

    After we got home from dinner, did I not come out to the garage and tell you that I had hoped I could come out with you?

    At no point during the rest of the evening, did it ever occur to you to think... "Oh, after 5 days of not being able to kiss or touch me, because I've been sick, I bet dwight is really needing a little time and attention from me?"

    And you call Jack dense and clueless.

  • 2/5, 11:10pm
    Dwight Mullen

    I know you don't feel well. I know you aren't wanting someone all over you. But you were obviously going out to the garage anyway. All I wanted was 5 minutes of your time. maybe a sexy word or two from you while I watch.

    Is that really too much to ask?

    Am I EVER going to be anything more than a second after thought, or a burdened chore to get out of the way, to you?

    Why is it that I crave, want, and need your affection. I long for every begrudged touch. I beg for any attention I can get like a pathetic dog.

    But you don't seem to need or want any from me?

    What is wrong with me that you don't want me?

    What is so undesirable in me that you don't even acknowledge my needs, even after I have been specific in the simplest ways that you can show your affection for me?

  • 2/5, 11:20pm
    Dwight Mullen

    This is why I don't, can't come and sleep in your bed. Because I don't feel like I belong there. When I do lay down next to you, these thoughts and feelings flood my mind; and no matter how tired I may have been before I came in, they plague my mind until I can no longer lay there and try to sleep.

  • 2/5, 11:21pm
    Dwight Mullen

    I just don't understand.

  • 2/5, 11:22pm

  • 2/5, 11:29pm
    Dwight Mullen

    Well, anyway. I hope you feel better in the morning. In spite of my hurt feelings right now, like a stupid loyal dog, I'll wag my tail and kiss your cheek in the morning; because I'm looking forward to finally getting to spend some time with you.


  • 2/5, 11:32pm
    Dwight Mullen

    To be honest. right now, I can't explain why, but I do.

    I love you more than anything. I guess most of all because I choose to. I apparently can't help myself.

    And, as far as I can tell, I'll "feel" this way for the rest of my life. I will always love you. and I know you love me too.

    I just wish you could figure out some way to maybe want and need me somewhere along the way.

  • 2/5, 11:33pm
    Dwight Mullen

    When I say I will never leave you, I don’t just mean that I will stay married to you. I mean that I will choose, every day, to love you the best way that I know how.

    Apparently, I need to figure out a way to do it better. Maybe if I could, you would think of me as more than a guy that lives in the basement and exchanges hugs and kisses now and then.

    Good night, my sweet Bubbie Bee. I'll see you in the morning.

Yesterday morning Karen apologized for hurting my feelings, and said she was sorry.

The question running through my ming now is, "Will being sorry actually mean a change in behavior?"
I need Karen to be more engaged. Initiate physical and emotional intimacy; noot just react to it once I have begged for it long enough to get oil on the squeaky wheel. I know that she loves me, but I need her to show (prove) to me that I truly matter as her mate and partner, and that I am physically desirable to her. What I don't need is a "perfect" room mate, or a disengaged spouse. I need an intimate, loving, caring partner who engages me mentally, emotionally, AND physically. I need to be desired, and feel wanted.

I'm so glad that Bubbie is finally starting to feel better. Now, to just wait and see if that means I register on her conscious thought at anytime this evening, or tomorrow morning.

I'm patiently waiting....

Tags: intimacy, karen, relationships, sex
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