This morning, after both kids were gone from the house, and well on their way to school, I walked through the house completely naked; as I was on my way from the bathroom to the downstairs laundry room, to fetch some clean clothes.
Karen was sitting on the livingroom couch; typing at her work laptop, and glancing between screens for whatever task she had at hand. She glanced up and noticed me walking by.
I'd just like to point out that if the roles were reversed at that very moment I can say with 100% certainty as to how I would have reacted:
- Initially, my eyes would have went wide from the surprise of seeing my wife walking through the house naked. But that would only have lasted for a brief fraction of a second.
- Next, my eyes would have narrowed and followed every beautiful curve of her voluptuous body. My jaw would have sprung back up to meet the rest of my moth, and my lips would have slowly turned upwards in a smile that I would not have been able to have stopped from forming had I wanted to. My face would soften, and my whole body would go a degree or two warmer, and hormones flood my blood stream. My face might even flush just a slight bit.
And why would my reaction be this way, you ask? Because I have a genuine desire for my wife that starts at the very core of my existence. Everything that I just described would be an autonomic response of my body and mind. Not only do I love my wife, but I genuinely desire her as well. Everything about her is imprinted on my psyche.
Now, keep that in mind as I describe the look I observed when my wife saw me walking through the room naked.
Karen glanced up from her computer screen, and started to turn back to her work. The fact that she looked my direction was a reflex response to the fact that something was moving in the room and she had a need to determine what it was: cat, dog, person, etc... My presence was unexpected at that moment, so she was not looking for the movement to be me.
She did a tripple take motion with her head. Even once her brain registered that the source of movement was me, her instinct was to immediatley return to her previous task (Acceptable, I was a non-threat and she was otherwise occupied). But then, her brain registered that there was something "wrong" with what it had just viewed and assessed. So she turned to glance again, and still made an efort to go back to her task. Then her brain registered that I was naked, and she turned back to me once again.
Like my initial reaction the eyes went wide to fully absorb the scope of what was being seen. But there is where the similarities end. Her eyes squinted, and her jaw clenched. A second later her eye brows furrowed and her mouth turned upside down into a grimace. Her head did a half nod to the side in a half hearted shake of disapproval, adn her head dipped away from me as she slowly turned back to her computer screen.
All of that took place within less than just 2 to 3 seconds of time, and was her instinctual response to seeing my naked body. But each of those actions registered like a bright flash of light leaving the light trail burned upon my mind. You can say whatever words you choose to have utter from your mouth, but the first glance of a person reacting to your presence speaks volumes of their true feelings.
The sight of my body disgusted her. It was an instant reaction of repulse and disapproval. The EXACT OPPOSITE reaction that should come from someone who has any sense of loving desire for you; regardless of your physical appearance.
Oh, I have no doubt in believing my wife when she tells me that she loves me. I know full well, that on some base level she loves me deeply; but she doesn't desire me. She can tell me I'm handsome, but her body language tells a whole other story.
Is there any wonder as to why I hate my own body and self so much? I'm not even desirable to myself. No wonder that I am not desirable to my wife. I'm fat, ugly, old and disgusting. Would you want to have sex with this? I think not. the Mystery of wy I have a sad, pathetic, sexless existence is once and for all solved.
I wish I could just lay down and die.
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