I have been on edge all day long. Actually, I've been on edge since last evening. It started with a headache and muscle spasms, and another fitful night of restless sleep. I woke this morning to the start of a migraine trying to settle in on the right side of my head. That is a bit unusual, since most of my headaches are left hemisphere or back of the head.
The only reason I was able to make my way through the day was because of a cocktail of 800 mg Ibuprofen, an aspirin, and a .25 mg xanax to help me calm my nerves and muscles. Still, it was a tense and crappy day.
Just as I was finishing the day, and my second training class of the work day, Karen tried to call me on my phone. Since I was in an instructor led class, I wouldn't take the call; and simply texted her that I would be in class until around 6:30 PM. She and Jack had been to the eye doctor to get new glasses (Karen's first pair of RX glasses ever). And I knew she was wanting to tell me how it went.
I still had a lot of work to complete after class, and although I figured I would be in the office until around 7 PM all I really wanted to do was come home and see my family. I was stressed near to the breaking point, and I needed the work day to be over.
As I'm sitting there in class, Karen texts me (6:02 PM) to tell me that she is getting bifocals. If the glasses look anything like her reader glasses she bought last year, I know they are going to be very cute on her. Actually kind of sexy, in a way. I'm still in class, so I simply text back, "Hmmm."
A few minutes later, she texts me again:
Karen: "This trip cost me 450."
Me: "4 hundred fifty?"
Karen: Too much to text while I'm driving, we'll talk about it when you get home." (translation. It's really bad. I'll tell you once you are sitting down)
Me: "Oh boy."
I'm numb. I'm thinking to myself, what went wrong at the eye doctor? I pay good money for us to have insurance that buys us each a FREE pair of glasses each and every year. That includes Frames up to $250, and covers EVERY and ALL of the special lense coatings and options at no extra charge. I know this for sure, because my last pair of glasses have the deluxe package lenses, and really nice frames, and it was NO CHARGE.
So, at this point, after a really crappy day, my stress level has just show back through the roof!
I finally get back to my desk at about 6:25 PM; and I'm trying to figure out just what needs to be finished in the last 30 minutes I am going to be at work.
At 6:30 PM the following text comes through form Karen:
Karen: "Just got home buddy let dan out." (This means he has been out and roaming free since around 3:45 PM.)
I'm no longer just stressed out,I've just gone into full panic mode. I grabbed my keys, my bag, and my phone and ran out of work like someone running for their life. I get home, and no one is there. karen pulls up in front of the driveway 2 minutes later. No one has found my dog. I have no idea where he is, if he is lost, if he is frozen from being out in the cold, if he has been hit by a car, or taken by someone who came across him in the neighborhood. I'm in a full blown panic, and I start calling for him.
I run in and out of the house a half dozen times. can't find a single flashlight. Can barely see because my vision is in a haze and I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. the whole world is a sickening blur at this point.
What seems like forever, but may have only been minutes later, Dan came running back to the house. I freaked out and kicked his butt before reaching for the gate. I didn't kick hard, just a boot to the butt to scare him. I grab the latch to the gate, and pull up the hook lever, but it barely moves; the latch and the gate are frozen shut. The latch is covered in ice, and it won't budge off of the hook. So I grab Dan by the collar, which makes him yelp, because he knows he is in trouble and thinks I'm about to drag him back around to the front door. He always freaks out when you grab his collar. Don't know why. He's always been that way for some reason. especially if he thinks he is going through the front door. I think he might actually be scared of the cats.
With Dan pulling me one way, and my foot going the other, it took three kicks to the gate to gate to get it to jar loose and open up. I let go of Dan's collar and he goes running through and down the hill to the sliding glass door. As I close the gate and turn to go back around to the front door, I hear karen getting out of the car having some sort of hissy fit and screaming at me.
I'm full blown into a panic attack, and the person that should be most concerned with trying to help me, to calm me down, to be my support and lifeline, can do nothing else by yell at me, scream obscenities at the top of her lungs, belittle me every time she opens her mouth, and scream threats at me.
Who the FUCK does that? Who looks at a person in a full blown panic attack, on the verge of a falling apart at the seams, and makes the choice to further tear that person down? This is the person that is supposed to be my partner, my friend, and my spouse. You know, the whole "Lean on Me, when you're not strong..."
Not in this house. Oh Fuck no! In this house, you show a moment of weakness, or need someone to help calm you down and not succumb to stress and anxiety, and that is precisely the moment they will choose to attack and tear you the rest of the way down.
I'm completely at a loss right now. I'm so numb that it is eating me apart from the inside out. other than recount the events I have outlined here, I don't even know what to say, or what to think next.
All I know, is that I am hurting (again). My faith and trust have once again been ripped out from underneath of my footing. I'm all alone, and I have absolutely NO ONE that I can turn to for help or support. The one person I should be able to go to has torn me down, rejected me, and thrown me to the wolves of my own despair and insecurity.
My only solace is that I can now feel my second xanax of the day finally taking hold of my mind and body. If I'm lucky, I'll be asleep shortly after posting this entry. Sitting here in the dark... eyes full of tears, body still shaking and cramping, and all ALONE.