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PLEASE NOTE: Beginning with entries created after JAN 1, 2011, the majority of this journal is now "FRIENDS ONLY" and can only be viewed by mutually friended Live Journal users logged in to their own LiveJournal account.



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  • Sun, 06:39: FML, what a night. I just want to stretch out & get some real sleep. Right now, I'll settle for not throwing up, &… https://t.co/yWu4sMWzGQ
  • Mon, 00:00: It's a cool 78F outside, & a gentle sprinkle of rain is falling. A steady Northern breeze is blowing in the trees. Fall has just arrived.

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  • Wed, 00:34: Treated myself to some tasty mint choc chip ice cream earlier. Yummy. But not a smart choice for someone fighting bronchitis like symptoms.😞
  • Wed, 00:43: Yummy ice cream + pre-existing congested cough + known milk allergy = No Sleep; because this idiot can't breath, or stop coughing. SMH 😕😢
  • Wed, 03:19: 😶
  • Wed, 08:10: Have I told you how your voice is my favorite sound, your name is my favorite word, and your hugs & kisses are my favorite part of the day?

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Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired.

I'm now on day 6 of having this cough and congestion.

At first, I thought it was just a symptom of not being able to breathe deeply enough while sleeping at night, and then not being able to fully clear my lungs during the day. The pain in my ribs (I'm still convinced that I cracked them on the 4th) was just too much to let me take the kind of deep breaths I needed to fully expand my lungs. My right side still feels bruised and tender, but the sharp pains have ceased, and I don't get the stabbing feeling when I try to sit up or lift anything over 10 pounds.

But what ever cold it is that settled into my lungs during those two weeks just won't let go. This past weekend was brutal. I pretty much slept the entire weekend away. Wake up, take meds, drink a little tea or juice, lay back down, and sleep. Repeat. I know that I was running a slight fever on Saturday, but I don't feel feverish now.

Once I cough up most of the thick green snot that builds up while I'm sleeping, I start to feel a little better. As of right now, I have absolutely no nasal congestion with this cold, although I get a bit of a runny nose when I have a coughing fit. But my eyes water then as well, too. Most of my coughing throughout the day is from a constant feeling of a tickle in my throat, from all of the irritation caused in the morning. Occasionally, a gob of junk wants to come up.

This afternoon, I spent most of the time sucking on some Halls honey and lemon cough drops. I went nearly 4 hours without a single coughing fit.

When I sat down to take a nap this evening, after dinner, I could hear my faint wheezing. The junk is still in there; and as I slept, it built back up thicker. Now, I'm coughing up green goo again. I need to find some cough drops, and go take some meds before laying back down for the rest of the night.

If this doesn't start clearing up in the next couple of days, I'm going to have to make a visit to the clinic. Watch it be my luck that I've got a case of bronchitis, or the beginning stages of pneumonia.

I can't afford to get sick enough that it causes me to miss work. I was fortunate that my bout of exhaustion hit the hardest on Friday and Saturday. I was able to rest and re-energize for this week. I definitely cannot afford to get either of the kids sick.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick, and tired.

I've been fighting this sinus and coughing bug since the middle of last...

Posted by Dwight Mullen on Monday, September 19, 2016

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Hello, Flo

Aunt Flo showed up this morning, but I don't care. It "rained" last night. 😃
Ha! I got there first, this month. So take that, Aunt Flo.

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  • Fri, 22:53: At KJM's 25 yr HS Reunion. Been 5 yrs since I cut my hair short. I've had 5 separate ppl tell me they are glad I grew my hair back long. LOL

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60 Days into the Drought

DROUGHT DAM

It has been 60 days since I last had any sort of intimate relations with my wife.
My entire life is starting to feel like a lifeless desert.

PAIN

I am in a state of pure agony this morning. From head to toe, at least some part of my body along the way, is in pain.

My ribs, along the right side, are still very tender and sore. As a result, my movement is very slow and deliberate. I feel like a sloth stuck in slow motion.

My neck is stiff and sore this morning.

My left SI Joint is flaring up, and it makes walking a tedious and painful task. As usual, it is affecting most of my left leg, and makes my lower back throb across the hip/pelvic bone above my buttox (gluteus medius).

I've got a splitting headache on the right side of my head; extending from my sinus cavity, the upper portion of my face and orbital socket, and reaching up and over my head to just behind my ear.

But I think that is a secondary reaction to the worst pain I am feeling today.
Normally, I feel no pain or discomfort from the broken wisdom tooth on the upper right side of my mouth. But today, it is very sensitive and tender.

A couple of days ago, I finally managed to remove a couple of pieces of popcorn hull from around this same tooth, and a molar below it on the same side. It took me nearly a week to get both of the hulls out, and my teeth and gums on that side of my face are super sore and sensitive as a result.

I know that I am eventually going to have to break down, ang go have my teeth fixed. If the pain and tenderness in this wisdom tooth doesn't go away in the next 24 to 48 hours, that will be much sooner than later. Regardless, it is becoming more and more apparent that my teeth issurs are affecting my overall health and quality of life. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that they are a triggering factor behind my headaches and elevated blood pressure.

I currently have 4 broken/cracked teeth. (listen in order of occurence)
  • upper right 3rd molar (wisdom tooth)
  • upper left 3rd molar (wisdom tooth)
  • lower left 2nd molar
  • upper right 1st molar

    I am just so tired, and exhausted, from dealing with the constant pain throughout my body.
    I know that taking steps and actions to improve my health and fitness (like exercise and weight loss) would greatly reduce many of my pains; but the same exercise I need to do to get there, currently makes the pain levels more frequent and greater in intensity.

    Even increasong my walking, while beneficial, hurts so very much when I do it in increments large enough to really do any good.

    And I know the dental work I need is going to hurt. Not to mention be much more expensive than I can stand to afford. Both of those have been driving factors nehind why I have put it off for so long. Not to mention my very real, and intense, phobia of dentists and needles.

    Right now, I'm just praying today's pains will subside. I've taken 800 mg of ibuprofen, and 162 mg of aspirin. I would take more, but I don't eant to risk damage to my internal organs.God only knows what the daily pain killer usage is doing to the rest of my body.


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    • Mon, 11:07: The Fall TV season will be here in just the next few weeks. My DVR is 55% full. I'm trying to watch, and clear, as much as I possibly can.
    • Tue, 03:11: OUCH! 😩 Just woke up with painful muscle spasms & cramps in my rib cage & back. I'm trying to go back to sleep, but I just want to cry. 😭

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    A few minutes ago, I went out to where Karen sits in the garage to smoke, and marked a "no smoking" symbol onto the outside of her box of Marlboro light 100's cigarettes. I did it in black sharpie, so there's no taking it back.


    Karen has said, on more than several occasions, that she is tired of smoking, and that she wants to quit again; but that I am one of the main reasons that she continues to smoke. She is implying that she smokes for me, more than for any other reasons that she has on her own.

    I'll admit that I find it very sexually stimulating to watch Karen smoke. It really is a major turn on for me. Especially as a part of foreplay, etc... But those moments seem to be farther and fewer in between instances these days.

    • Story Time: Karen rarely invites me out on her smoke breaks. Maybe once or twice a week at the most, if I'm lucky. So that's not really smoking because of me. That's smoking because she wants to smoke.

    • Intimacy (aka sex): In order to have foreplay, you have to have something else that comes after it. Since we only have sex an average of once every 60 to 90 days, she can't say she's smoking because of sex.

    • Barberette Fantasy: Karen has mentioned that she keeps smoking so that she can fulfill my Barberette fantasy, for when she cuts my hair. Well, I've been asking her to make that happen for over 4 years now; and my current hair length is testament to that not happening. There are dozens upon dozens of entries in this journal, detailing when, why, how, and oh so much more about me wanting her to be my "Smokin' Hot Barberette." (You don"t even have to read every journal entry to find them. Just click on the Barberette tag, and start reading. But she has ignored my requests, pleas, and begging. She refuses to so much as check in and read my journal even just now and then.)

      She will say that she hasn't cut my hair for me because I always say I'm not ready. The only reason I have said I"m not ready, is because the Barberette fantasy is the ultimate form of foreplay; and as I mentioned above, you can't have foreplay when there's no "play" to come after it. You can't expect me ro expose the most erotic, sensitive, and vulnerable aspect of my sexual psyche to you, when you ignore every single other facet of our intimate lives together. It doesn't work that way.

      I'm not going to have her cut all of my hair off, just for the sake of cutting it off. Shaving my head is not a "bucket list" item for me. Aside from the erotic factor in the simple act of shaving... Giving my hair to her is truly a two way gift of love; and is a symbolism of the trust, commitment, and intimacy between us.
      Currently, we have trust and commitment, but there is no intimacy.

      When I am convinced of Karen's commitment to improving the level of intimacy in our relationship, she can do ANYTHING* she wants with my hair. I would gladly give it to her in a heartbeat. (*Cut it, bob it, buzz it, or shave it. She could even bleach or color it, or give me Brad Pitt's haircut from the movie Fury. I wouldn't care, as long as I have her devoted love and an intimate relationship with my wife.)

      But, I'm not some toy to play with once, break, and then throw away; and neither is my hair. I'm not some dog that you can pat on the head as you come in the door, and ignore the rest of the day, and expect that I will come at your whim. Other people pat me on the head too, but it's you I want to roll over for, and show you my belly while I bury my nose in your lap or kiss your face. But I'm left laying on the floor, patiently waiting.


    So, if all of the reasons that I would have, for wanting to watch her smoke, aren't actually happening on a regular basis, who is she really smoking for?

    I do enjoy getting to watch her light up and smoke when we are out and about together. It's sexy to be in the car, and watch her. It's a guilty pleasure. Especially when she blows her smoke at me, or catches me watching her, and she makes sure I want to keep watching.

    But I don't find it sexy to see how much she is smoking every day as part of her habit.. She is currently smoking about a pack per day. That really worries me; and the concern for her health outweighs the turn on factor that I get from any of the above mentioned scenarios.

    So, I have decided to remove ME as a factor in this equation. If she is thinking she can't quit because I don't want her to, or because I'll throw a pouting tantrum, that's all out the door. I just told her that I think she should quit.

    What happens next is in her court.

  • If that means Karen wants to make plans to cut my long hair off, and shave my head, I'm fine with that. I can live without my long hair. I can't live without my sweet Karen by my side.

  • If that means Karen just quits smoking, and doesn't even mention giving me an erotic haircut first; I'll eventually be fine with that too.

    Either way, I just want to make sure my Bubbie is happy and healthy. I want to spend the rest of my life with her; and even though she drives me to the brink of sanity most of the time, I'd prefer that will be for a long, long time.
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    I finally got around to finding a free moment to stop by the salon to get my hair trimmed up. It's the first trim I've had (other than self trims around my ears, and running the #3 clipper guard up my sideburns when I trim my beard) since June 3rd. I have been looking pretty unkempt lately, and it has been driving me crazy.

    Just the other day, Karen offered to trim up my neck line for me; but I have to be honest, I don't trust myself to let her near my head with clippers in her hand. You read that correctly. It's not that I don't trust her. I don't trust myself.

    When you have been waiting for over 4 years for someone to take the initiative to do something, the urge to nudge them along can be pretty strong. I would probably fake a sneeze, and push my hairline into the clippers; leaving her no choice but to finish. But I know I would end up being mad at myself, because giving into an urge, in the bathroom, is not the way I want something that life changing and dramatic to end up happening. (besides, there's no smoking in the house. at least not with the kids at home.)

    At around 4 PM this afternoon, I logged onto the Super Cuts reservation app on my phone, and scheduled an appointment with Denise at 5:15 PM. As soon as my shift was up at work, I clocked out and headed out the door. With it being just a trim, on a Tuesday evening, I knew I would be in and out.

    Denise was waiting for me, and took me right back to her chair. We made small talk, about how our Kids' Summer's have been going, while she caped me and got out her trimming clippers. She refastened my ponytail high up on my head, and just before she took the clippers to my neck line she asked, "clean it up and a baby trim all over?" I said, that sounds good.

    She took all of the undercut hair at my neck line clean off to the skin. Nothing but stubble left behind as little tumbleweeds of hair rolled off of my shoulders and down the front of my cape to my lap. Until that moment, I had no real concept of just how long all of that hair had gotten. It must have looked worse than I realized. The clippers felt so good on the back of my neck. They tickled and teased the nerves at the back of my head.

    Then it was time to outline up and over my ears. She then took out a comb, and started using clippers over comb to clean up the undercut above and around my ears on the right, then left, sides of my head. Even though I had trimmed around there a few times myself, there was a lot of hair coming off from the areas that I just can't reach and see, when trimming on my own.

    She finished off the sides with her scissors, before lightly wetting down my hair to comb out the length and trim the ends.

    Fifteen minutes later, I walked out feeling much better. She had pulled my ponytail back nice and tight, and smoothed out my hair with some "silky smooth" hair moisturizer. The frizzies were gone, even though the humidity outside was near 90%. My sides and neck looked neat and tidy. Much, much, nicer than when I had walked into the salon.

    Karen noticed my haircut, after I had been home for a bit. At first, she seemed like her feelings were a little bit hurt. I surmised that she felt that way because she had offered to trim my hair, and I had then had it done at the salon instead of letting her do it. Like I mentioned before, it's not because I didn't want her to do it. I would LOVE for Karen to trim my hair, and MUCH more. It's me that I don't trust right now.

    I haven't been able to keep my hands off of the short stubble at the back of my head.
    My undercut goes about an inch into my actual hairline. It's the easiest way to keep it looking nice and neat, when pulled up into a ponytail (that is, when it's trimmed up). The short stubble feels SO GOOD! I almost wish that more of my head was shaved like this, so that I could run my hands over more of the sensitive scalp beneath my hair.




    Right now, there is a part of me that would give almost anything to ask Karen to shave my entire head completely bald. To have her sit me down in a chair, then light up a cigarette and blow her smoke into my face, just as she plunges the clippers into my hair at the center of my forehead. I want to feel her warm, soft, hands running across the sensitive, bare, skin left behind by the vibrating clippers. To feel her long, red, fingernails lightly scratch as they run against the growth of the stubble left behind on my head. I want to taste her smoky kisses, as she lathers my head up and shaves me smooth with a fresh MACH 3 razor.


    But, alas, all of that is nothing more than a mere fantasy. A hopeless dream.

    I've been begging, and pleading, and asking her to do just that exact thing for just over 4 years now. The details, and scenarios (dozens of them) spelled out right here in the pages of my journal. (If you doubt that, just click on the "barberette" tag at the bottom of this entry, and see for yourself.) But she won't read a single word of it.

    So, I'll just keep my fantasies in my head. Write about my needs, wants and desires in the pages that only I care enough about to read. And I'll pull my hair into a ponytail, and wait until it's time to go get another trim.

    Maybe it's better that way.

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    Can I make out with you? NO

    Can I make love to you? NO

    Could you tell me a story? NO (not only do you tell me no, you scream at me)

    Can I touch you? NO

    Could you please touch me? NO


    I could have found a roommate at any time in my life. I would rather have a WIFE. A PARTNER. Someone who not only loves me, but wants and desires me in return. Every time I hear that "NO" (regardless of how it is said, or the words used to say it) another piece of me dies inside. Another hole pierces my heart. Another bad memory haunts my mind at night to fuel my insomnia. Another brick goes into the wall that I build between us, to shield me from the hurt and rejection.

    I'm certain that the next time you need something from me, I'll hear your sweet voice calling... "Honey, Sweetie, Putle, or Pute Pute." And like the trained dog I've appatently become to you, I'll eagerly come running, eager to please. I'll get a hug, a kiss, and maybe a long hug or pat on the back. But if I dare let my gaze linger longingly a moment too long, or I initiate a tender touch that implies my desire for you, I'll receive some sort of reaction that will communicate the all too familiar "NO."

    I love you with all my heart, and I know you love me too. Every day I reaffirm my choice to love you.

    I am still glad I married you, and will be faithful to you till the day I die. I wouldn't change that fact. But I honestly could never have believed that when I heard you say "Yes," followed by "I Do," that it would eventually lead me to living a life repeatedly filled with the word "NO" every time I need and want physical intimacy with you.

    Even worse. A life where a "yes" comes only after days, weeks, or months of begging; or because you feel obligated, or guilted, into it for whatever reason. Then you either "give it up" or tell me its time as you sulk towards the bedroom as you tell me "come on, let's get this over with." I hate hearing those words come out of your mouth. They hurt almost as much as hearing "no;" because it feels like I'm forcing you to do something you can't give to me on your own.

    I would like for you to honestly ask yourself the following questions: When was the last time you initiated any kind of sexual contact with me? When was the last time you touched me? (Not the last time you let me touch you, or the last time you let me have sex with you. But, The last time you reached out with your hand, and intimately touched me.)
    When was the last time you showed me that you wanted, or desired, me?

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    • Sun, 00:31: Was gonna snuggle up & stay the night in bed, but didn't want to be an inconvenience, or make you uncomfortable. Sleep well my love. Night.

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    • Sun, 00:25: Had a pretty good day. Spent the whole afternoon with KJM watching movies & doing stuff around the house. Almost finished all my day's goals

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    50 Months

    Just in case anyone is still keeping track, it has now been 4 years and two months since someone promised to be my Fantasy Barberette.


    That equates to the passing of:
  • 50 months
  • 216 weekends
  • 1,521 days
  • 36,504 hours
  • 2,190,240 minutes
  • and about 30 inches worth of hair growth. 22 inches of which are still on my head, waiting to be played with and sheared off.


  • But whose counting?

    003 New Do_Chop 02 (blu)
    I still want my Blonde Bombshell Barberette!

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    BLUE BALLS, Again...

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    • Wed, 08:48: Kids up & off to school. Kitty litter changed. Dishwasher running. Animals fed. Trash out & to the street. Showered, & now @ work. I'm tired

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    I keep forgetting the secret.

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    • Sat, 11:45: At Shop-nSave O'Fallon, in the check out lane that is moving at a snail's pace. Just want to pay for my food and take it home.... Today. 😐

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    Can't Sleep - Wide Awake

    Here goes another night up and wide awake.

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    • Mon, 19:35: And then, on 36th day of the drought, the demon known as Aunt Flo showed up to ensure the continued torment of the lonely man. And he wept.

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    She's B A C K

    The demon, known to most as Aunt Flo, has come to our house.

    I suppose it is a good thing that she is here 4 days early (it's been 24 days since she last showed up at Karen's "doorstep"). Maybe this way, she will be gone by this coming weekend, and karen will be able to enjoy the pool party at Rob and Cindy's house.

    Oddly enough, I had just asked Karen the other evening if she was about to start her period.

    Hopes vs Reality

    Early in the month of May 2016 (05/13/2016) I changed three passphrases for various systems I use at work. All three of those passphrases expired today, and had to be changed.

    At that time in May, I had carefully chosen the three separate passphrases as part of a theme of hopeful wishes. One that, at the time, I had serious hopes would be prophetic in nature over the following three months; and would at least be showing signs of potentially coming true before it was time for the phrases to expire in late August. As you may well have guessed, that did not happen. And it makes me more than just a little bit sad.

    While I will not type the exact pass phrases here (as it would give away my PW naming scheme), I will share what they ultimately spelled out.

  • "PLATINUM" - Karen's blonde hair has been a major driving visual for a great many fantasies over the past year. I would STILL give anything for Karen to be my Blonde Bombshell Barberette. It truly breaks my heart (and makes me more than a little bit angry) that her blonde hair is now gone before she ever had the chance to fulfill a role that I have literally asked, pleaded, and begged her to act out as a sexy blonde for well over a year now. I honestly don't know how I could have been more matter of fact, or obvious, about that.

  • "Bob It For Me" - the second pass phrase spelled out an honest desire, and fantasy, to see her BLONDE hair cut into a sexy bob cut.
    Two years ago, the day of Rob and Cindy's pool party, Karen got her blunt cut hair trimmed up into a perfect bob. Her neck was shaved a quarter inch into her hairline, and her bob was cut to the hairline in the back. Karen would have liked the front to have had more swing bob length to it, and I think that exact look would have been super sexy with her platinum golden locks. But the thought of cutting her gorgeous, long, hair was specific only to the blonde hair experiment.

  • "Make Me Bald" - Rounding out the third component to the Blonde Bombshell Barberette scenario, I was hopeful that she would FINALLY get around to keeping her age old promise to give me an erotic series of haircuts and then shave my head bald.

    I've been waiting for 4 years (48 months, to be exact) to have Karen make good on her promise, and have spent over a year asking and pleading for Karen to be my Golden fantasy - Blonde Barberette.

    I want Karen to quit smoking. I sometimes think that I'm more ready for her to quit than she is. I still find it really sexy to watch Karen smoke. It is a HUGE turn on (Watching her smoke is often the closest thing I have to any kind of sex life). But I am also concerned about her health, and that is more important than being turned on by a smoking fetish. Seriously..., we have no intimacy or sex life in our marriage; so to focus on something sexual, over something more immediately tangible, like her health, just doesn't make sense. My long hair will grow back, her health possibly wouldn't.

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    I just can't take it any more.....
    (BTW... by "gets some," I mean "pussy.")

    Old habits are apparently all too easy to fall back into.

    Every time it seems that karen and I make some progress in this area, and it looks like we have a shot at a more normal intimate love life, Aunt Flo comes around and everything that was accomplished in the prior month gets thrown out in the trash like the bloody tampons she leaves behind.

    Bubbie and I managed to go a few weeks, where a conscious effort was made to share intimate moments on a more regular, and normal, schedule. That came to a screaching halt once Aunt Flo showed up in our house, for her July monthly visit.

    As of this evening, I havent had intimate relations with my wife since July 9th; and not due to any lack of interest, or constant asking, on my part. In fact, I ask AND get shot down so frequently, that it is truly demoralizing and depressing. It literally keeps me up at night, thinking about how often I am pushed away or shut down when I try to initiate intimate moments.

    I know that my wife loves me. On a scale of 1 to 10, my wife's love for me is hands down a 10 on most days; and even an 8.5 on days when we might be arguing or fussing about something.

    But "KNOWING" that you are loved is only half the factor when determing how loved a person feels.

    There's another aspect of INTIMACY: Feeling wanted, needed, and desired, by your spouse... that is just as important.

    For most women, this second category of Feeling Loved is a cumulative total from a great many things: help around the house, being provided for, seeing that the family is nurtured and cared for, receiving gifts or flowers, romantic gestures, being reminded they are attractive to you, and then the last 5% to 10% may be physical intimacy (i.e. sex).

    For most men, and I definitely fall into this category, most of those criteria that women crave for the second aspect of feeling loved, are all items, that for a man, clearly fall in the first category of KNOWING you are loved.

    For me, a HUGE part of what defines Intimacy, is being able to say that I know I am wanted and desired; without me having to ask or beg for that attention or feedback. Physical or Sexual contact can easily account for 80% of that.


    In a relationship with a regular sex life, these feelings of doubt or absence don't crop up nearly as quickly after the last physical encounter.
    But, when there are weeks or months in between intimate and sexual encounters, it only takes a day or two for self doubt, or security within the relationship, to rear its ugly head.
    Each day that goes by, without an intimate touch or caress, or some sort of bonding moment between us, breeds a touch of insecurity. The basic need isn't being met, and the foundation of the relationship feels shaky.

    I often find myself asking: Did she initiate sex at any point in the past month (or ever)? Did she touch me in an intimate or sexual way? Kisses, hugs, cuddling, snuggles, and random hand to sensitive areas make up another 10%. The last 5% to 10% or so is being told I am handsome to her, stroking my ego so to speak, asking me to do things I know she could do for herself, but wants meto do for her anyway.

    But back to that 80% of needing physical intimacy. If those needs aren't acknowledged or addressed in some way; it doesnt matter how much a man knows he is loved....

    You can cook every meal like it is a feast, - wash every shirt, pants, underwear and sock we own, - have a spotless house top to bottom, - plan every social event (birthday, sleep over, etc...) and nurture the kids better than any other person could.... the aspect score of feeling loved can still be deflated by the fact that I don't feel wanted or desired by the one and only person I 'NEED' that assurance from.


    This lack of intimacy in my relationship tears at the very core of who I am. I never had body shame issues, before my wife stopped letting me feel wanted. I never obsessed about feeling unwanted or lonely until I felt shunned and ignored intimately. I never had issues of waking in the middle of the night, and binge eating to feed my depression and doubdts of self worth. I literally carry the depression from lack of intimacy with me throughout the day; in the form of about 45 pounds of fat sitting on my gut (the worst way a man can carry excess weight). The lack of intimacy in my life is the driving cause for my high blood pressure. It is the single largest contributing factor for any feelings of depression that I experience. it is the leading cause of my insomnia and poor sleep patterns. It is a driving factor in causing the physical conditions that lead to my migraine headaches.

    The lack of INTIMACY in my relationship with my wife, is literally killing me; on both a mental and physical level.

    Yes, I know I AM LOVED. In that way, I am blessed. Even today, on a day when Karen and I argued, I give her a 10 out of 10 in that category....

    But right now, my INTIMACY score is drained like a depleted battery. I'm barely reading a 1.5 or maybe a 2; and once you average those two aspects of FEELING LOVED together.... that doesn't end up leaving me FEELING all that loved.


    Right now, I feel like Im in a race with Aunt Flo, to see who gets to FEEL loved by Karen more.... and I dont want to lose this race again this month.... Like so many other months. Every time that Aunt Flo comes around, and it has been weeks,or months, since I last was able to make love to Karen, it rips me apart formteh inside out. it is the most depressing time of the month for me; especially in light of the fact that I sense her hormone changes adn am usually in a heightened sense of arrousal every time that I am in the same room as my wife.

    I dont want to have to race, battle, fight, or feel envious of Aunt Flo at all. I would rather be able say, "Aunt Flo is here? No big deal, we can pick up our normal routine as soon as she is gone. In the mean time, let me focus on other areas of our intimate love life." We could cuddle more. Go to bed at the same time. watch a show while cuddled up onthe couch together.

    All things that I feel too resentful to do most of the time, because I'm feeling too hurt, emotionally, to want to even be in the same room as the person I really most want to be with at all times. I don't even feel like I can go sleep in our bed at night, because I don't feel I belong there.

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    Feeling really jealous of this guy

    He gets to have a Blonde, Bobbed, Barberette shave his head bald

    Was viewing my daily subscription updates on Youtube, and this video popped up in a list of recently trending videos, as a charity event, titled John's Shave. Of course it caught my eye, and I had to click on it.

    His friend, Beth, had been urging him to cut his hair since around March. So when he mentioned that he was going to cut it for charity, she claimed dibs on being the one to shave him bald.

    John is shaving his head in a UK event that is similar to St. Baldrick's.
    https://youtu.be/L46wZfW91U8

    I'm definitely jealous. My long hair suits me much better than his did him (mine truly does look better long), and I am in no way comparing this woman to my wife, as my wife is much hotter in my eyes.... But, this scenario, of a curvy, BLONDE, barberette, with cute bobbed hair, having fun while cutting and shaving her friend's long hair off to bald,... it is exactly the scenario that I had been wanting and hoping that Karen would be sharing with me this Fall.

    I was looking back through my journal entries, and was amazed at exactly how many times I mentioned that same scenario over and over again; going all the way back to when she first went blonde.

    Within the past 4 years (since April 21st, 2012), the journal tag "barberette" (meaning that some portion of the entry specifically talks about me wanting Karen to cut or shave my hair) has been used more than 80 times. That averages out to about one reference every 2 1/2 weeks. Additionally, the journal tag "blonde" has been used in conjunction with barberette at least 49 times.

    That tells me that the frequency at which I have been asking and pleading with Karen to shave my head has increased in recent months/years, and has specifically fixated on her being a BLONDE haired barberette at the time that my long hair hits the floor.

    With that realization in mind, I'm not exactly certain where that leaves me at this time. I'm not sure about how I feel about moving forward on recent thoughts about cutting my hair or not cutting my hair.

    Karen's hair is not currently blonde. It's red. I was excited about the possibility of seeing her blonde hair get bobbed off, and maybe later even cropped really short. But with the red hair, I pray she lets it get as long as it can possibly grow. Opposite color schemes, and opposite fantasies.

    Regardless of any of that, I have to decide what I am going to do with MY hair. It's time for Karen to try to quit smoking again; and right now, I'm the missing puzzle piece that is keeping her from making that decision for herself.

    This would have all been SO MUCH EASIER if she could have waited just two more months before making me color her blonde hair red. It would for sure have been much easier if my wife would take a personal interest in me, and take the time to read my journal entries from time to time.

    So, what's next? I don't know.

    If you would have asked me on June 19th, I would have told you my detailed plan to have Karen shave my head, begin the gradual transition from blonde to red/red-brown,  and quit smoking all at the same time.

    Now, I'm all mixed up again. All f'd up and confused. Right now, I'm not sure of anything other than that I know Karen can't keep putting her health at risk.

    It might be another year, or two, or three, before she has any itch of a desire to try blonde hair again. Theoretically, I can wait it out. My hair is on my head and basically just has to not fall out for that scenario. But we can't afford to gamble with Karen's health for that long. That part of the equation (the smoking barberette) needs a more immediate resolution, or I have to just let the fantasy go all together once and for all.


    Maybe I just wasn't obvious enough, about how much I wanted her to be my Blonde Bombshell Barberette? (Here are just a few examples, from the past year)

    08/31/2015: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/745588.html
    09/04/2015: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/745468.html
    09/24/2015: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/743821.html
    09/25/2015: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/737298.html
    10/21/2015: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/741552.html
    12/09/2015: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/774958.html
    01/14/2016: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/784331.html (Pay special attention to #5 on the list)
    02/14/2016: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/828370.html (Special request for my birthday)
    04/21/2016: http://digzmania.livejournal.com/810955.html

    Ursasolus Tweets



    Ursasolus Tweets

    MISSING: Last Seen July 9th, 2016.

    Missing Sex Life silhouette

    Ursasolus Tweets

    At this hour of the evening, exactly two years ago, Karen and I were at a pool party; hosted by our friends rob and Cindy. It is a party that we eagerly anticipate each and every year. Rob and Cindy are good friends, and although we don't know the other guests quite as well, we usually have the opportunity to hang out with another really good friend, Gary (aka Perry), and have quite an enjoyable evening.

    But the day of this specific pool party, two years ago, was an exceptionally memorable one for me.
    Earlier that day, Karen had gone to see our friend Kris (manager at a local salon), to have her blunt cut hair (that I had cut in May) shaped up and properly cut into a more refined style. She came home with the beautifully bobbed haircut, pictured below, and absolutely blew my mind away. I was, and am to this very day, enamored and in love with that style on her.
    The only thing that I didn't like about that bob cut, that she received that day, was the fact that I didn't get to go with her to see it cut. Otherwise, it was, and still is, quite literally one of my all time two favorite "short" haircuts on Karen.

    And, up until just 49 days ago, this was a haircut that I had hoped and prayed (and wrote about extensively in prior journal entries) to soon see on Karen again; the only difference being that it would have been a super sexy blonde version of that same bob. A blonde bob, that I had hoped to gaze upon, as my Bubbie took the clippers to my own hair later this Fall.

    I still fantasize about that bob cut. Such a hot look on her!



    Inverted Swingbob 01 Inverted Swingbob 02 Inverted Swingbob 03

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    Sexy Pics



    I’m always asking Karen to text me cute or sexy selfies. So I figured I would send her a few “sexy” pics of myself back. (laundry and dishes, and there’s more where those came from, ladies) 😉😎😜

    I do this all the time; and for some reason, my wife thinks it’s sexy that I do the laundry, the dishes, mow the yard, trim the hedges, scrub the bathroom and toilets, etc… So, I sometimes send her random pics of me doing things around the house.

    Ursasolus Tweets


    My Tweets - I just can't even...

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    Yesterday morning, Karen and I made a trip to the Mall to return a few items to Lane Bryant, and do a quick little bit of shopping and walking around in the Mall. We had a really great afternoon together. I enjoy spending time with my Sweetie, and getting an opportunity to take her shopping. We even held hands a few times ((Swoon)).

    After making our initial returns, it was right around lunch time; so I suggested that we pop over to Max & Erma's for a nice, relaxing, sit down bite to eat. We sat there chit-chatting, and occasionally playing on our phones; but as always, it was so nice to be with my girl.

    All of Karen's animosity about me making her go see Bad Mom's with me on its opening night, on Friday, seemed to be out the door. We were both having a great time together.

    As we left Max & Erma's, and headed back towards the other side of the Mall (where we were parked outside of the V-Stock entrance) we had to once again walk past the Regis Hair Salon. I am incapable of walking past a hair salon without looking in. I try to catch a glimpse of the hair stylists, and to see if anyone is getting any sort of dramatic makeover. I've been doing that for so many years, that it is a reflex action more than any conscious effort on my part. This time, Karen looked in as well. There were two stylists (a blonde, and a brunette) sitting side by side in their chairs; just chatting away, since they had no other clients in the salon.

    "They look bored. You should go in there and take a seat in one of their chairs. Give them something to do. Let them chop off that ponytail. It would probably make their day. It would make mine."
    Karen winked and me and giggled, as she playfully patted my butt and halfheartedly nudged me in the direction of the salon door.

    In THAT very moment, I was more turned on by my wife than I can remember being in a very, very, long time. That is quite literally one of the sexiest things I can remember my wife sating to me in years.

    If she had grabbed my hand, and started pulling me into the salon, I would not have resisted. Both stylists were really cute (Especially the blonde one. Oh how I would still give anything for my Bubbie to be my Blonde Barberette.), but in that brief moment, my wife was the sexiest creature to walk the face of this earth. If she had taken charge, and told me to get my hair cut for her, I would have followed into that salon like a lamb eagerly going to in for a shearing.

    My wife used to playfully tease that she wanted to cut my hair. She would grin, and look at me with her deep blue eyes, and ask if she could give me a haircut. She would play with my hair, or tug at my ponytail, and playfully threaten to cut it off; or tease that she might drag me into a salon to sit me down and watch my hair go falling to the floor.

    I keep playing that moment from yesterday over and over in my mind. It still has me really turned on.

    It breaks my heart that my wife won't read the entries of my journal, and realize just how much I want her to do this very thing for me.

    My tweets

    • Sat, 01:41: What do you do @ 1:30 AM, when you can't sleep? That's right. You quietly clean the kitchen, unload the dishwasher, & start another load. 💪🏡

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    On this day, 2011 (A FaceBook memory)

    This post popped up in my Face Book "On This Day" memories list. A few photos from the 2nd to last day of July, 2011.

    I had just received my new "DELL XPS17 L702X" laptop a few days before, and was in the process of transferring files from my old Dimension 8400 desktop PC. I had just opened up the DELL Webcam Central program for the first time, and was trying to figure out the settings so that I could take a new profile photo for social media sites.

    I kept hearing it click, and realized that it was still taking snapshots. Something I had clicked had it capturing a set of photos, rather than a single shot. It was in some sort of burst photobooth mode, so I posed until it stopped. I selected these 5 to share to FaceBook that night.

    It has been 5 years, and my hair is just recently grown back to that same length. There have been a lot of changes over these past 5 years, but one thing remains the same... the ladies LOVE the long hair.

    JULY 30 2011
    Ladies LOVE the long hair

    My tweets

    • Fri, 14:17: 😞 Just had a FB Memory pop up, from a friend that passed away not long after sending the message. Miss you Cameron. Miss our chats, buddy.

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    My Tweets - So In Love


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    TGIF? So much for a Happy Friday.

    Happy Friday Everyone

    At least, that is what I would like to be saying to everyone.
    I should be happy today. I should be smiling, singing, bouncing around the office and having a great last day to the work week.
    But, I’m not feeling it today. In fact, I’m having a really crappy day so far; and for once, it’s not work’s fault.

    My car is at the dealer’s shop; getting checked out because of a check engine light issue.
    I’m seriously hoping that it’s nothing more than an issue with the gas cap, and the vapor sensor being overly touchy. For all I know, the gas cap has a bad seal, and just needs to be replaced. According to what I’ve seen online, this is a common issue with GMC’s, and ACADIAs especially. The forum I was reading says it takes up to 24 hours, or driving between 75 to 100 miles, for the code to clear out of the ECM; even after the gas cap is back on correctly, or the issue is corrected.
    So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

    I didn’t sleep well at all last night.
    Not only am I having frequent issues with insomnia, I’m just feeling stressed the F out lately. And it’s not any one single large thing to be stressed out about. Just lots of little things that seem to pile up on my mind. And, with the way things have been since the 13th, I just feel that I have no one that I can turn to, in order to even talk things out or discuss the daily BS with. I feel so lonely and forsaken. (isolated, alone, friendless, unwanted, gloomy, sad, depressed, forlorn, and downright blue)

    And if that fact weren’t enough… I’ve really felt ostracized this entire week. Aunt Flo has been hanging around our house since last Saturday; and she has been in rare form for the past 5 days. I’m ready for her to go home, and I’m not just saying that because I’m antsy to get some nookie. It’s like walking through a mine field at our house, and I seem to keep stepping in ALL the wrong spots. (Aunt Flo has some serious anger management issues)

    I’ve kept my spirits up, by looking forward to tonight and this weekend.
    The weekend is almost here, and things just don’t seem to be panning out the way I had envisioned them.
    Hoping that I get my car back today, so that I can go out this evening, and have it to drive to the Dolly Parton Concert tomorrow night.
    I tried to plan a surprise evening out, for tonight; and it’s pretty much already turning out to be a downer before we even get out the door. That trend seems to be my standard “modus operandi” lately. Oh shit. Who am I kidding? There's no "lately" to it; that's always the case for me.

    So, yeah. Happy Friday everyone………



    UPDATE: 15:30 PM CDT


    Suntrup GMC called a short while ago, and my ACADIA is good to go. Turns out that it was just a loose hose between the air intake and a throttle and engine efficiency sensor. I heard a mechanic in the background telling the service manager that it probably did not get fastened down tight, the last time I had it serviced, and managed to finally vibrate loose within the last day or two.

    That is a HUGE relief, and a load off of my mind.

    Bubbie seems to be a little more amiable about the prospect of going to the movie later tonight. She IM'd me a while ago, to tell me that I have to buy her soda, and popcorn, and anything else that she decides she wants at the theater. Then she hinted that she wants 'Tater' Skins and Wings for dinner.

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    Ursasolus Tweets - My Sexy Bubbie Bee

    • Wed, 20:48: I LOVE walking behind you, watching you walk, and watching your sexy long hair swing as it hangs down your back. So gorgeous! 🔥🔥❤🔥🔥



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