Diggerz Mania

06:39 pm - Owww +2

I'm really starting to get worried. I am in a lot of pain, and most of it coming from two very specific areas of my body. Something in my left shoulder feels torn, making it difficult to use the arm. The other area is my rib cage at the bottom of my left hand side. This injury, whatever it is, is making it very difficult to breathe. It will lock and spasm the muscles all up and down my left side and make it so that I can barely take a breath into my lungs. It's a very sharp pain, which almost makes me wonder whether or not something is broken in there.

Had to take a Xanax pill this afternoon. Too much stress and pain, and maybe a little too much prescription pain killers. I dunno. I just know that I was freaking out really bad and needed something to calm me down. Those things sure do make me tired though. Then again, with this pain, I'm not sleeping very well and maybe the xanax just calmed me down enough that my normal body rhythms kicked in to tell me to relax and snooze for a while. I do know that it worked much better than the Vistaril ever did.

Current Mood: sore

12:55 pm - Writer's Block: Clock Punching

10:45 pm - Owwww!

Yesterday, I was playing with the kids and I hurt my shoulder and left side muscles. My back is out and it hurts so bad that I'm having trouble breathing at times. My ribs hurt when I take deep breaths or cough, or even burp. I sneezed earlier today, while at work, and I felt as if someone was trying to rip my left arm off of my body.

It's my own fault. I was rough housing with the kids after they took a potty break in the middle of watching Mr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium. As the kids were waiting for me to hit the play button on the paused movie, I scooped them both up in my arms and started back for the couch. I tripped on a toy as I was twisting around to sit down and plopped us all down on the couch rather harshly. To the kids, it was all roughousing fun and games with dad. To me it was a hard fall and the beginning of some rather nasty pain in my back and shoulder. The damage wasn't immediately apparent. We sat through the rest of the movie, both kids in my lap, with me only noticing a soreness and tighness throughout my muscles. The ony part that really hurt was my lower side, near the bottom of my rib cage, where Jack's boney butt really came down hard on me. Right now, that's the part that hurts the most as well.

Earlier this evening, Karen got me to laughing and I thought that I was going to suffocate. Just a little laugh, and my side hurt so bad that I couldn't pull air into my lungs.

The best prescription (course of action) right now, is a hot shower, pain killers, a heat pad, and finding some way to lay down without my muscles binding up. I can't lay on my sides at all at the moment. I could proabably do with a muscle relaxer at the moment as well.

Current Mood: sore

10:44 pm - Computer Virus

Last night while suring the web and playing around on Facebook, I managed to pick up a bit of spyware and a virus on my computer. While downloading Spydoctor managed to take care of the malicious spyware, the virus had already done its deed and took over large parts of my computer's ability to launch and utilize programs on the machine.

08:11 pm - Visit with Dr. Malik

Finally had my first meeting with Dr. Malik since I last saw her in April of this year. I was supposed to see her July 2nd, but her office had to clear her calendar that day due to some emergency. (Probably some other nut job getting themselves thrown into the hospital after not taking their meds)

I was anxious to finally be getting my test results from my blood work done the last week of June. Dr. Malik not only wanted to test my lithium levels, but also my thyroid hormone levels, my blood glucose levels, and my cholesterol, etc... A full work up, so to speak.

The results? Everything is fine except for my Lithium levels. When I heard her say that, I assumed that she was going to tell me that my levels were too low. But then she asked, "how are you doing on the lower dosages of lithium?" I asked, "lower dosages? Why would I be taking lower dosages?" She told me that my blood work indicated that my lithium levels were too high, and that her office had called my home number on two separate occasions to let me know to call in and confirm that I was taking at least 300MG less lithium than what had previously been prescribed. Well, I never got the call, so I've contimued taking the prescribed 1500Mg/day of lithium carb.

She informed me that theraputic levels of lithium in the blood should test out between 0.6 and 1.2 with the 1.2 being the max that most people can tollerate without experiencing symptoms of toxicity from the drug.

My lithium blood level was 1.5 which explains some of the symptoms that I have complained about in previous posts. Dr. Malik wants me to reduce my dosage to 900Mg/day for two weeks, and then once I get my new prescription filled (she prescribed for me to go back onto the ER - Extended Release version of the lithium tablets), then I can go back up to 1200Mg per day. If I feel myself heading towards a manic episode, then I can bump it back up to 1500Mg/day, but only on the ER tablets instead of what I'm taking now. She said that over the years that I have demonstrated enough of an understanding of my bipolar disorder and the useage of my drugs as therapy for bipolar, that she feels comfortable giving me the ability to monitor my own progress on the varying dosages; but to call her immediately if I begin having symptoms of either a full manic or depressive episode. She's often told me that she 'wishes that every patient would take the effort and responsibility to understand and deal with their disorder to the degree that I have demonstrated. It would make her job much easier and successful.'

I also asked her about why I have noticed that missing as little as two days worth of meds can affect me so strongly that I would relapse into anxiety attacks and paranoia. She explained that my current level of medication has finally gotten me to a stabilized /manageable state of mind in dealing with the severity of my disorder. IE: the meds are working and it is proof that my mind and body needs them. Furthermore, that when I miss my meds for 48 hours or longer, the body's reaction is stronger to the withdrawal because of the equilibrium that the full dosage levels have created. My body is used to having the drugs there at full strength, and without them the mind initiates a panic response; it's previous coping methods no longer working because they haven't had to for so long.

In order to combat those moments when my mind is completely unable to maintain balance in the area of anxiety and paranoia, she prescribed Xanax as a "panic button" option for me to control those situations. I hope to not need it, but it's there in case I do. She asked whether or not I had ever had a previous illegal substance addiction issue with my bipolar disorder. I told her no, but admitted that I do have an addictive tendancy to my mental persona. IE: I don't usually indulge in such behaviors as consuming alcohol or drugs, but that when I do I tend to do it to excess. She said that Xanax can be very addictive, and said that she trusted me with the drug, but would only prescribe 15 pills at a time. If I needed more, she would write the script for them on an as need basis so that we could review my progress together. I said that was fair enough for me. We'll see how I do.

So, now, I'll go upstairs in a little bit. Take my meds (900Mg of lithium in that mix). And rest, being assured that my blood work came out alright. That helps to aleviate some of the fears that I have been having lately about me falling dead of a heart attack or something like that. I may still not be in the best shape, but if I am heading for a heart attack... it's not because I have bad cholesterol clogging up my arteries, or high blood sugar levels putting stress on my organs.

Current Mood: relieved

12:16 pm - Jack's first day of Kindergarten

Today was Jack's first day of Kindergarten.
Our morning started a little before 7:30 (I actually rolled out of bed at 7:34), with Karen getting the kids dressed and some breakfast to prepare them for their day. Delaney was just up and about simply because she insists on gettin out of bed between 6:30 and 7:30 am every day. A habit that I'm sure I will be able to break her of by the time that she is a teenager. LOL. Jack was up and eager to go on his first day to the "big kids'" school.

I was excited and nervous all at the same time; which I'm sure that Karen was having similar feelings as well. At around 5 minutes til 8:00, the whole family headed out the front door and walked two houses down the street to the bus stop. Two older girls (Abby and Taylor, who are in 4th and 5th grade we later learned) were out playing in front of their house and waiting for the bus as well, and Oscar came out right before the bus arrived to pick the kids up. I took a couple of pictures of Jack and Delaney together, and then a couple of pictures of Jack getting onto the bus. OMG! My little man is riding the bus to school.

He was excited, and climbed right up on that bus and took a seat about 1/4 of the way back. Karen told me that Jack said everything went fine on his first day of school. The bus dropped him off, just a little while ago, right in front of our house; and now they are getting ready to eat some lunch as they talk about the day. Hopefully he will want to tell me about it all over again when I get home this evening.

11:52 pm - Dana Glenn Kearns: Sep. 1, 1954 - Aug. 9, 2009

Tonight was the visitation for Dana at baue Funeral Home in St. Charles (Cave Springs exit). Most of my co-workers left work at around 3:30 PM so that they could be there right when the visitation started at 4 PM. I hung around work until a little after 4:30, to make sure that our UPS was in the security cage before I left, and then I headed over to the funeral home as well.

When I got there, I was informed by a co-worker that Dana's body had been cremated, and that his urn was sitting next to his family as you passed by in the reception line. The line was out the door, and they were snaking people through the chapel aisles in order to keep people from being lined up in the lobby. The turn out of support for Dana's family was really great. We each waited for our turn to give our condolences, and share a fond memory of Dana, with his family; Peggy (wife), Dane (eldest son), and Patrick (son). There were many picture boards spread out around the room to look at while making our way through the line, and a flat screen TV monitor showed a photo slide show on the far corner of the room near the exit.

When I introduced myself to Patrick and Peggy, they both knew who I was, and said my last name even before I could finish giving my full name. They said that Dana talked about me often, and considered me to be a good friend. That made me smile, and I let them know that I considered Dana a close friend as well. Peggy held my hand tightly, as I shared a few memories, and told a story about an incident where Patrick had set a farmer's field on fire when he was about 8 years old; and told how Dana and I would speak and laugh about that moment quite often when he was reminiscing about the days when his boys were much younger. Dana had been harsh and firm with Patrick at the time, but behind the scenes, he was mostly thankful that Patrick was ok and then no one had gotten hurt. Dana loved to talk about three subjects in particular: food, gardening, and his family. Most importantly, his family. They meant the whole world to him.

After leaving the funeral home, I headed off to Ethyl's bar and grill. The whole gang was meeting there for a "happy hour" to celebrate Dana's life and to talk about the good times we all share with him. The happy hour had originally been planned by Dana, just a week ago, so that we could all get together and talk about Joe Ciccone's passing and celebrate his life. Who could have guessed that just 2 days after planning a happy hour with all of the gang, that Dana would be gone and that the happy hour he had planned for Joe would become his farewell rememberance party.

Most of the gang showed up, I can't think at the moment of anyone who was missing. Even management showed up (Janet, Paul, Carl), and many old friends as well. It was good to see Ransom King and Cindy Harper show up; I just wish that it didn't take such a sad event to see them again. I had dinner (mushroom swiss burger), and ordered a few of watermelon margaritas throughout the night, just to take the edge off. It doesn't take much to get me tipsy when you mix alcohol with my bipolar meds.

The group hung out all together for the first couple of hours, and then segmented into several smaller groups. Carl and several others donned volleyball team t-shirts and went out back to begin challenging other teams to a game. Quite a few went out to watch and to drink out in the open air; the weather not being too hot at all for August. Some just stayed inside and played pool or talked amongst themselves around the bar and game tables. I mingled through all of the above groups, and stayed til just after 11 PM. I could have easily stayed later, but Karen and the kids had gone to a wedding reception earlier in the evening, and I was anxious to get home and see my wife. I wanted to at least get to say goodnight before she hit the pillow, although I was pretty sure that she would be staying for a bit longer.

I'm going to finish this entry up and go hit the hay myself. I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to get up and go to Dana's Funeral mass in the morning. I've been to mass twice already in the past week, and I'm not even catholic. In fact, I'm as anti-catholic as one could get in the protestant faith (having grown up Free Will Baptist), and I'm beginning to think that there is some sort of conspiracy to try to get me to mass for some reason. But when close ones die, you go to their visitation and funeral services, no matter what Christian denomination they happen to be a member of.

01:42 pm - Kindergarten Orientation

This morning, we took Jack over to his school for Kindergarten orientation. We got to meet his teacher, Mrs. Huning, as well as his principal and the school nurse and other staff members from the administrative office.

Jack got a tour of the school and got to mingle along with his new classmates, while Mom and Dad met with the teacher along with all of the other parents and got a run down of things Jack will be doing in class over the next school year.

Jack was supposed to get to ride the bus home this morning, after all of the scheduled activities were done; but there was amix up on his registration papers that had him still attending Bright Start Academy as his drop off location. We got the mix up fixed, and all will be fine for him to be dropped off at our house starting on the first day of school; but the driver didn't have his stop on her schedule for today so he had to ride home with us. He was a bit dissapointed about that, but he was over it by the time we got home.

When we got home, Karen made scrambled egg onlettes for all of us to eat, and then I settled in to take a nap before having to come into work. I'm so tired today that I almost can't stand it. Karen and the kids sat down and started watching a movie together, and Dini was settling in to take a nap of her own when I left the house for work. I wish I were joining her. :-)

12:50 pm - Writer's Block: Proven by Science

05:14 am - Another fitful night

I woke up at about 20 minutes til 5 AM. Another bad set of dreams and fitful sleep since getting into bed last night at midnight.

Found Jack sitting on the couch, eating peanutbutter crackers, and watching TV. He said that he couldn't sleep so he got up to watch his shows. I let him finish his crackers, hit record on the DVR, and put him back in bed just a few minutes ago.

I can't believe that I'm up right now. I should be sleeping for another 2 hours and 45 minutes. Maybe I should just stay up, get dressed in about an hour, and go into work 2 hours early at 6:30.

Maybe I'll just sit here and relax for a few minutes and then try to crawl back into bed in about 20 or 30 minutes.

I can't keep going on like this.

02:56 am - I feel like my brain is frying

It's 2:56 AM in the morning, and I can't sleep. I can't shut my brain down long enough to rest, yet I'm tired.

I keep thinking about Dana dying last night. So young (only 54 years old, I believe). Leaving his family behind to grieve.

I keep thinking about Linda passing away this past Monday night. Also young in life, only 55 years old. So many grieving at the loss of her from our lives.

I keep thinking about Joe Ciccone. Only 62 years old. Not even quite old enough to retire, yet his life has come to an end. He had only recently reunited with his daughter and grandchildren, and had another daughter that he was to have met for the first time this past weekend.

So many people left behind to greive, and I have to wonder... was there anything that they could have done differently in their lives to have been able to have lived a full long life? Why them? Why now?

I'm even questioning my own mortality. Am I fast tracking myself to an early grave? Am I taking good enough of a care of myself to make sure that I'm not leaving Karen and the kids behind to grieve over me in the next few years or decade? I can remember what it was like when my dad had a heart attack back when I was only 11 years old, and how traumatic it was to me that we almost lost him. I don't want my children to go through that. I want to be around to see them grow up. I want to grow old with Karen.

11:15 pm - If Tomorrow Never Comes

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
Shes lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

(chorus)

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That shes my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

cause Ive lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where theres no second chance to tell her how I feel

*chorus*

So tell that someone that you love
Just what youre thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

Current Mood: contemplative

03:55 pm - Writer's Block: Unlikely Benefactor

11:13 am - Dana Glen Kearns (too many people dying)

I got a call from one of my employees this morning to tell me that our friend and co-worker, Dana Kearns, had passed away in his sleep last night. The cause of death has not been officially determined, but it would appear that he had a heart attack, or that his heart just stopped, during his sleep. This makes two good friends and co-workers passing away in as many weeks.

I've known Dana for more than 14 years now, ever since I began working for Citi back in June of 1995. Dana was a senior staff member and courier driver back then. A position that I would later fill as he was promoted to deparmtnet supervisor. I've worked both with and for Dana over the years. Grieved along with him when he lost his Dad, and again when his brother died just a few years ago. I've celebrated along side of him as his son Patrick won championship games in soccer, graduated highschool and most recently college. Dana was a friend, and nearly as close to being family as anyone that I've ever known at Citi.

His death comes as a shock and surprise. Dana has been out on disability related to a nerve damage issue that has affected his hands and feet; but in all other respects he appeared to be a healthy 54 year old man with many years still ahead of him. I would never have imagined this.

Right now, I'm taking it pretty hard; especially on the wake of having just had Linda's funeral yesterday and Joe Ciccone's passing less than two weeks ago. This evening, we are going to a viewing for Karen's uncle Clem Tegethoff. There's just too much death and funeral to deal with right now. I'm surprised that I'm not just being paralysed by panick attacks right now. I guess that I'm in too much os a sense of shock and numb at the moment for that to happen. I just feel like shutting down and withdrawing from the world around me. But I can't.

Damn! And I was supposed to hang out with Dana at a happy hour this upcomming Friday. I was looking forward to catching up on how he's been doing and laughing about the good times the gang has shared over the past decade plus. I was even going to tell him about this hex theory that Tim Keisker has been mulling around in his mind about how bad things seem to be happening to all of the old crew that came to the new Citi Records Center (CRC for short, a name that dana came up with and Citi actually decided to use officially) from the old Riverport building. I guess that Dana's death just adds one more statistic of validity to Tim's theory.

I guess that there'll be at least one more funeral for me to attend before the next week is out.

Dana, if you can hear me from up there, I guess I'll have to tell you this for one last time. "Have a good one." That was Dana's way of signing any card for someone else, or when he was saying good by at the end of the day. "Have a good one." Dana, wherever you are, I hope you're having a "good one" for all of us.

Current Mood: numb

03:05 pm - Writer's Block: Don't You Forget about Me

Current Mood: nostalgic

11:39 pm - Writer's Block: I May Be Crazy

It's a devious fox, with a wide grin showing off its white teeth. His ears are bent over as he teeters between wanting to be playful and still being skittish at my sudden presence; he's unsure who is going to be playing with who. He's trying to determine whether or not he can take the upper hand on this old bear, and play the part of the trickster.

So. Can someone please analyse that? Am I as crazy as my psychiatrist says I am? LMAO!

Tags: writer's block

Current Mood: touched

[Leave a Thought]

10:56 am - A promising sign (Edward Jones)

A little over half an hour ago, Karen finished a first interview (via phone) with a hiring recruiter for Edward Jones. The interview went very well, and Karen has been invited to go and interview in person with several department heads that run the area in which she is applying for a position.

I'm not putting all my hopes into one basket here, but this sounds very promising. Karen might very well be full time employed again within the next couple of weeks. In my opinion, they'd be crazy not to want Karen on their team. But then again, I get to see how wonderful she is 24/7, 365 days a year. They only get to preview her brilliance for a short interview period. Still, the way that they are persuing her to get these interviews is a promising sign.

11:34 pm - Linda Koons (Jun. 16, 1954 - Aug. 3, 2009)

This evening, at approximately 9:45 PM, Linda Koons passed away. Linda held a very special place in the hearts of a great many people; and not only by family members and friends. But also, she was loved and cherished by the many kids that she kept in her home over the years, and by the parents of those children lucky enough to have been in her care for the first years of their lives.

Linda kept both of our kids in her home on the weekdays. From the time that Jack was just a couple of months old (after Karen had finished up her maternity leave) until he was a little older than three years old and was ready to go off to pre-school. She kept Delaney as well. Also from her early infant months until just this past June. Linda kept them through their formula and cereal bottle phases, and then was there as they progressed to cereal and then solid foods. She was there as they learned to crawl, roll over, sit up, and ultimately as they learned to practice their first steps and learned to walk. Linda listened to the kids go from cooing to babling, and encouraged their language development as they learned to talk.

Being with the children thoughout our work days, she was with them for nearly as much of their waking hours as we parents were. Too often, I think, we took for granted the importance of Linda in our lives. Well, maybe not taken for granted, but not fully realizing the imapct that she had on each of our lives. We loved and cared for her deeply; feeling concern and love for her as each of her health setbacks reared their ugly heads in her life. It ws more than just having the caretaker of our children being ill, it was a friend and family member that needed our love and prayers.

Now, we grieve along side of her Mom, her husband, and sons. We feel the anguish and pain that is in their hearts at this loss, and we need to reach out to them, and to one another, for comfort. I am saddened by Linda's passing, but I know that she is in a better place and is watching all of her babies from up above. She can continue to watch them in a capacity that was not available to her here on earth.

Know that we cry for ourselves and the hurt that is in our heaerts; but we must also remember to rejoice for the life that was Linda's, for the wonderful impact that she made in all of ours, and for the fact that she is now in Heaven by the Lord's side.

Linda, we miss you. God bless you, and say a prayer for each of us as we also pray for one another.

09:59 pm - Panick Attack

This morning, I woke out of a fitful dream at about a quarter after 4 AM. My face and neck were covered in a light persperation, and my face felt flushed and hot when I reached up to wipe my eyes. As I sat up I felt a sudden urge to scream as my heart raced and the sound of blood pumping in my ears drowned out all other sound. My chest felt tight and my breath was labored and shallow. At first I believed that I was having a heart attack, but after pacing for several minutes, washing my face in the sink, and finally being able to sit back down after about another 5 to 8 minutes; I realized that I was having an anxiety attack.

I laid back down in bed, but my mind would not stop racing. I dozed a few times; more from a feeling of sudden exhaustion more than wanting to sleep, and managed to rest until a little before 6 AM, when the feeling of dread and panick started to rise in me once more. I debated on whether or not to get up and take a vistaril pill, but decided against it since that almost always makes me feel ill and results in me being tired and listless most of the day until it wears off.

It was weird being up before both kids, but I decided that the only way that I was going to get comfortable, and not wake Karen in the process, was to just get up and get my mind engaged in anything but the things that kept running through it. Nothing specific, just random thoughts of doom and gloom surrounding every day things. Finances, Jack's school starting up, groceries, thoughts of having a heart attack and leaving my kids behind, getting fat and going bald, Dad passing away, etc...

I sat at my PC, wrapped up in my blanket, and having smaller versions of my earlier panic attack. Feeling sick and paralized for much of the day. Wishing that I could just stay covered up and try to sleep to make it all go away.

I managed to pull myself together long enough to take the kids over to my mom's house for Sunday lunch; but I felt as if I were about to be ill the whole time. I just wanted to get it over with and get back home.

As the day has progressed, I've felt better; but not by much. I just hope that I wake up tomorrow morning with this crap behind me. I guess that it's the stress of things getting to me lately, but I've been having panick attacks more and more frequently as of late.

11:58 pm - Updating my journal

I just finished going back through two months worth of journal entries that have been sitting behind "private" status untill I could review some, and complete others.

In all, some are still staying private while I think about them for a while longer, and I heve deleted about 12 other journal entries (mostly from June) that I either had not finished enough of the entry, before leaving it alone, to remember exactly what it was that I had been trying to say, and therefore could not really complete the entry,... or it was an entry that I felt was too negative or depressing to hold onto in my journal. I've kept venting entries locked away in my journal before, but I just feel that I don't have a place for them right now. It was good to vent and write it all out, but now it's time to hit the "delete" button, if you will. Right now it is vary important to me, and to my family, for me to try to focus on being as positive and optimistic about life as possible.

For those that are reading this entry as it is first posted, and are reading from the perspective that it is the first thing that I have openly written since May 29th, then you have a lot of catching up to do. I'll apologize in advance; a lot of the juicy stuff that you have probably been waiting to read about was either deleted or is still private.

Current Mood: blah

10:23 pm - Writer's Block: Cute Meet

12:18 pm - Farewell Joe Ciccone (1947 - 2009)

When I arrived to work this morning, I received the news that my friend, and co-worker, Joe Ciccone had passed away this past Friday evening at his home in Nebraska; where he had moved after going on disability to live closer to his daughter and her family.

Joe had been battling a combination of lung cancer and a heart aneurysm that the doctors told him that they could not treat while he was undergoing treatment for the cancer. Last November, he left work and went on disability in order to better focus on his treatments and to be able to move to Nebraska to be near his family.

From what I'm told, Joe did not suffer in his last moments. And in fact, it was not the cancer that got him in the end. From what I had been told, Joe's cancer treatments were going well. The cancer was not going away, but it was not progressing either. What that actually meant in time of months or years I don't know; but Joe seemed to be optimistic when talking about it.

The final straw had been Joe's heart aneurysm. Joe was never one to just kick back and relax for very long. He wanted to be up and active. Working on something, even if he complained about doing it the whole time. Sometimes I think that Joe like complaining about having to work as much as he truly enjoyed working on what ever it was that he was complaining about. For those of us who knew him, we knew that the gruff grumblings were just a part of the process for him; and in fact, if he wasn't grumbling, then that's when you knew he wasn't happy about it.

Joe had spent his last day working in the yard. He was going to be meeting, for the first time, a daughter that he had not seen since her birth. Long story short, the mother's parents ran Joe off after the birth and forbid him from seeing their daughter or his new baby daughter. Apparently, Joe had made plans to finally meet her face to face before he got too sick, and she was comming to Nebraska in one week. Joe wanted the place he was staying at to look nice, and had been out in the yard that afternoon.

For dinner, Joe had either ordered, or fixed, some kind of Chinese dinner. At some point in time, he had gotten up and gone into the bathroom. That's when the aneurysm burst. It apparently was so quick, that joe was found on the floor still holding the towel that he had been using to wash his hands. One second he was there, the next he was gone.

Farewell, Joe. I'm going to miss you.

Current Mood: sad

10:49 pm - Writer's Block: Leave Room

10:00 pm - Writer's Block: Youthful Transgressions

10:56 pm - Lynard Skynard and Kid Rock Concert

I should be in bed right now. I've been so tired throughout the day that I could hardly stand it. Last night, Karen and I went to our second night of concerts in a row; and it was pretty hard getting up this morning. I was so pumped full of adrenaline after last night's concert that I couldn't go to sleep until almost 3 AM this morning.

This time it was a whole large group of our friends out on the lawn at the amphetheater, and the music was rockin' the entire crowd into a frenzy. Lynard Skynard took the stage first (after a warm up set by some group named Black Stone Cherry or something like that) and the crown went wild; just as if they were there to headline the show.

They played many of their classic hits which everyone expected to hear, as well as a few new songs from an upcomming new CD due out in September. I hadn't seen so much hootin' and hollerin' and rebel flag wavin' in all my life. And surprisingly enough, not a single person screamed out that any of it was a heinous display of racism.When it's Skynard, it's all about Heritage, not Hate. A little over an hour later, they played their encore song; taking the stage and playing an awesome rendition of Free Bird.

Around 9:30 PM, Kid Rock came out and took the stage. And I litterally mean he took the stage. There were no pauses in between songs throughout his entire set. It was just one ball of energy after another wrapped up into one of the most awesome shows I've ever seen. I was impressed, and I only knew about three of his songs to start off with. One really cool moment was when his band began playing the song "good ole Boys," from the Dukes of Hazard, and the video screens behind him showed scenes of the General Lee racing through Hazard and making the familiar car stunt Jumps. The entire crown sang the song along with him. A little later on, St. Louis' own Cheryl Crowe came out on stage to sing a duet of their song 'Picture.' It was pretty cool and the crowd ate it up.

It was a bit hectic, doing concert shows back to back over two nights at the start of a work week; but I'm glad we did it. We all had a lot of fun, and we needed it. Now, I think I'm going to head off to bed and try to catch up on a little bit of my missing sleep. I'm not as young as I used to be.

Current Mood: drained

09:40 am - Def Leppard / Poison Concert

I'm a little on the tired side this morning. Karen and I went to the Cheap Trick / POISON / Def Leppard concert last night with our best friends Sherrill and Brandy. It was a really fun filled night at the Vorizon Wireless Amphetheater (I still call it Riverport).

Cheap trick took the stage first, and they were performing as we were entering the amphetheater. They played their usual standard hits, and then proceeded to play several cover songs from other bands before their set was finished. By they time they were done playing their last song, we had located a place up on the lawn about two thirds the way to the top and over to the far right side. We had a good view of the stage, yet had a short hop over to the stairs leading down to the concession and bathroom areas.

Right as Poison was getting ready to take the stage, another couple and their lady friend took an area of lawn right in front of us. They seemed to be an ok group of people and were easy enough to talk to; but what really made them great lawn mates was the fact that everytime one of the girls would sit down on their blanket, her pink T-back thong... the width of a shoelace worth of material dissapearing down between the cheeks of her ample arse... would show from out of her low-rider jeans. Not only did sitting on the blanket reveal her thong underwear, but about a third of her ass cheeks as well depending upon how she was sitting at the moment. The four of us could not keep from laughing and cracking up. Sherrill even managed to snap a shot of it with her camera phone in order to post it to Facebook.

Poison played a really rockin' set. The songs they chose to play were great, and they really got the crowd into the show. I was just a little dissapointed in their stage presence, though. Since they were opening for Def Leppard, the amount of the stage that they could use for their show, as well as the minimal use of ellaborate props made their show seem smaller than times that I have seen them in the past. Still, it was good to hear them rock the house.

About 45 minutes after Poison had left the stage, the big curtains covering the back half of the main stage lifted and the set up for Def Leppard was finally revealled to the audience. It quickly became apparent as to why Cheap Trick and Poison had occupied only a portion of the stage during their sets.
I;m not sure how they did it, but Def Leppard had turned the stage, a raised stage, and all of the area behind the two stages into one giagantic video monitor; with the band playing and rocking right in the middle of it all. It was impressive and brought the crown to their feet. Def Leppard's stage act was superb throughout the entire show. Only one thing was lacking through much of the beginning of the show, and only slightly improved as the show continued.... sound. There was a lack of crisp, clear, crowd shaking sound. It was like they were playing with only half of the speakers that Poison had just used right before them. It made it a little difficult for the crowd to really get wrapped up into the show because you were hoping for them to finally catch on and turn up the volume.

All in all, the concert was a lot of fun. I had a great time, and it was even better because I got to spend it with my wife and Brandy and Sherrill.

10:20 pm - Writer's Block: Family Heirlooms

10:03 pm - Dini's Rash (update)

Well, today only marks the 2nd day that Dini has been on the prescription strength version of Hydrocortisone, and already she is looking like a whole new kid. There is still some redness to her face and neck areas, but no swelling or raised areas like before.

I'm still left to wonder, what on earth was it that she came into contact with that started the rash to begin with? Was it cleaning solution spilled on her bed? Was it something in the yard? How do we prevent it from happening again? At least we'll have the cream to treat it with. With her healing up so quickly, I'm sure that there will be plenty left over. We'll use as much as it takes to make our kids well, but at $24 a tube (and that's after insurance has paid the other $30 worth of the stuff), you can only hope that the stuff spreads out over quite a few uses. It came in a toothpaste sized tube, so we'll see. I wish we'd had some of this stuff when Jack broke out with poison ivy.

11:16 am - Dini's rash

Karen just called me on the phone to tell me that she has made an appointment for Delaney to go to the doctor this afternoon at 4:30. Her rash does not seem to be getting any better, and it has spread all across her face and down to her chest.

It's the strangest thing. She hasn't run any kind of fever to indicate that she's sick, and she isn't scratching at the rash (which look more like hives of some sort) the way that you would scratch at poison ivy. She just occasionally scratches at it like it's a casual annoyance; and in fact, I haven't noticed her scratching at her face at all (which is where it it showing most prevelantly at the moment).

I wish that I could get out of work to go with them to the doctor. I'm always concerned and want to be hands on any time that something is wrong with one of my babies.

Current Mood: concerned

01:10 pm - I couldn't put down the book

I stayed up way too late last night.

I got started reading my latest book, just as Karen and I were going to bed, and I found that I couldn't put it down. I've been somewhat dissapointed in the book (Oathbreaker, by Nick Kyme) up through the first half. While the characters have been colorful and interesting, even well developed and intriguing, the pace of the story line has been somewhat frustrating. The story too rife with a sense of doom and dread, and too many character deaths, to allow for a smooth flow of the overall plot. But just as I was really starting to get frustrated with the whole thing, it started to take a turn for the more interesting. So, I'm hooked to read further to see how it turns out. I read until 2 AM in the morning, until I reached the last 1/3 of the book.

Things seem to be turning around a bit for the beleaguered dwarves trying to save face in their attempt to reconquer the lost dwarf hold of Karak Varn. At this stage of the book, almost half of the small army that set out for the task has been killed in tragic battle or other fell demise. The enemies that the throng set out to vanquish have proven to be too large a foe to conquor; and with 2/3'rds of the book read, there have been no glorious battles to celebrate, no heroic deeds to revel in. Just doom, defeat, and despair. Now, the remaining dwarves have changed their end goal. Rather than reclaiming the hold, they've made a pact to make sure that if they can't have it, then no one can. Not Dwarf (dawi), not Goblin (grobbi) nor skaven (rat kin). There's no hint that any of the main characters will come out of this story alive, but then again, at this point that's not even their end goal. So, that's why I was up reading until 2 AM this morning. I have to know what happens next. LOL

Surprisingly enough, I'm not overly tired today. I woke up a bit groggy and out of sorts, but managed to get to work earlier than usual, and have been having an ok day thus far.

Current Mood: intrigued

11:34 pm - K-9 Mole Slayers

For about the past 4 to 5 weeks, I have been trying to figure out a way to catch, kill, or run off a pesky mole that has been digging burrows and tunnel-trails across my yard. It wasn't so bad when it was only the far south corner of my back yard; closest to the tree line and common grounds that butt up to the back of my property. But when it began moving up the fence line and into my front yard about a month ago, I started getting concerned. I now have a couple of thin trails of dead grass going across my front lawn that I know I'm going to have to re-seed. (Maybe I'll get lucky and the grass will fill itself in.)

Well, the problem may have solved itself this afternoon, thanks to my two young dogs. For months the two of them have been obsessed with diggin in my yard. Something that I just chalked up to puppies being mischevious; although I was quite sure that Roxie (our Yorkie) was also getting the scent of the mole as well, and that was spurring her to dig more than usual.

As spring waned, and summer fell upon us, I noticed that the dogs were digging much less than had become usual. Bare spots that they had torn in my yeard were filling full of new grass growth, and they weren't tracking the dirt and mud that they had been. But as the mole trails became more prevelant, I noticed that the dogs were rooting more and more into the dirt, and had actually dug a few small holes near the back fence line.

Today, the two of them dug two new holes. Three feet apart from one another, and on opposite ends of a mole burrow hole. I'm not sure which one struck it rich (I'm thinking that it was Roxie, although the size of the hole screams Buddy), but one of the dogs came up with a mole in its mouth and killed it.

Karen noticed that the dogs were barking much more than usual while playing outside. She was afraid that they might be barking at Mr. Posadas next door, so she opened the door to call them back in. That's when she noticed that Roxie had something gray and furry in her mouth, and Buddy was barking at her. She screamed at them to drop it and come inside; which I'm told that they did quite reluctantly. The dogs were making such a commotion over the dead rodent that I had to come home from work an hour early to dispose of the thing.

The thing had dark grey, almost black, fur; and was the size and weight of a full can of soda. It was the first time that I had ever seen one up close, so as I scooped it up into a pan to dispose of it, I took a while to examine it. The paws and claws on this thing were easily as big as my thumb, and paler than my own skin complection. It's eyes were closed, and no sign of trauma could be found other than the fact that its neck was limp; indicating to me that which ever dog had caught it had given it a thorough thrashing back and forth, and had probably flung it against the ground a time or two.

I'm hoping that this takes care of the mole problem, and that there isn't some kind of colony living in my yard. If that's the case, then I'm going to have to invest in some "mole movers" and possibly some sort of poison to bait the trails with.

Current Mood: satisfied

10:47 pm - Dance your ass off

OMG! The Oxygen network has finally put some reality TV eye candy on the air that I think I can get behind watching every week. For the most part, I dislike 90% of all of the reality TV shows that are out there. One exception being America's Got Talent.

But Dance Your Ass Off has got something that none of these other shows have. Plus Sized women dressed in skimpy tight dance costumes, flaunting their beautiful curves all over the dance floor. What more could a guy like me ask for? LOL Not only are the ladies quite attractive, but the costume designers deserve a round of applause as well.

The premise of the show is that these full figured ladies (and a few men as well) spend each week with two goals. 1) to diet and exercise as they attempt to lose weight (although I think the ladies look fabulous at their current size), and 2) To memorize and perfect a dance routine that they will perform for a live audience and the TV viewers at home.

They receive a score on their dance routine from each of the three judges on the show and then the average of those three scores is augmented by the perventage of body weight that they have lost in the previous week; which is revealed as they step onto a scale after receiving their judge scores.

Tonight's show was week three of the competition. Karen and I watched week 2's reshowing on TV last night, and I went to the Oxygen.com website and Youtube to catch replays of week 1.

I know some women enjoy watching football because they like seeing all of the guys in their tight football pants. Others watch so You think you can dance, or Dancing with the stars, to see hotties or favorite celebs in their verious states of dress or showing off buff bodies. Well, now I have a show to watch for my version of eye candy.

I love plus sized, full figured, fat, what ever you wish to call them, ladies. Skinny chicks can be beautiful too, but they don't get the same reaction for me. Example: The bay watch girls were beautiful women in their own right(Nicole Eggert, Pamela Anderson), but just never my preferred kind of beautiful; unless of course they all could put on an extra 30 to 50 pounds into those tight bathing suits.

09:44 am - Writer's Block: Mentor Me

08:37 pm - What is with the rashes?

First, Jack broke out with a rash from poison Ivy. He has been on prednisone for nearly a week and is finally starting to look much better. (I've also killed the poison ive growing in the fence, but can't kill all of it that is growing on the other side of the fence; so, I'm trying to keep the kids out of the fence line all together.)

Now, Delaney has some kind of rash all over her face and on the exposed portions of her arms. We're not sure, but we think that the kids must have spilled some cleaner solution onto her sheets and pillow, and that this is a chemical reaction to that.

Karen washed her bedding this morning, and we scrubbed the kids down in a shower from head to toe. Next we smeared the girl with hydrocortisone everywhere that looked red or puffy. Even with all of that, it is still looking pretty nasty even this evening at 8 PM.

If it is not better in the next day or two, we may be making another trip to see the doctor.

Current Mood: concerned

11:59 pm - A lazy Saturday...

... just what the doctor ordered. Right ! ? ! .

Other than cleaning up the basement family room, and picking up a bunch of the disaster area of a mess in Jack's room (although it is far from clean), I really have not done much of anything today. Just the way a Lazy Saturday should be.

Karen and I slept until around 10 AM this morning. Of course the kids were already up and watching TV, not to mention getting into the fridge and pantry to get fruit snacks and string cheese sticks. I think that Delaney had busted out a poptart as well. Normally, one of us (most likely Karen) would have been up to fix them a proper breakfast (at least have given them the poptarts and maybe some doughnuts), but neither child came in to get us up like they usually do. Unless we managed to sleep though a kid standing at the side of the bed calling for us to get up. Not likely. They're quite adept at waking us up when they want to.

On another topic: For the first time in about a week, I haven't been under the constant urge to OD on my meds, and am not currently feeling such an intense sense of dread and despair that I feel physically ill. I'm still depressed. I'm still having bad dreams and mild panick attacks, but the "bad" thoughts seem to have subsided a bit for the moment. I guess that I've just been under too much stress for my meds to do their job. I mean, meds can only do so much; the rest is up to me. I just not been doing as good of a job at it myself. I think the meds have been carrying me through as best as they could. A part of me wishes that I had something stronger; but then something stronger would knock me out and make me groggier then what my current meds are already making me every day.

11:16 am - Jack has a nasty rash.

On Thursday evening, or early Friday morning, Jack came into contact with something in our back yard that had caused a really bad rash to begin spreading all over his left ear, back around his neck, and onto his face. His ear had gotten so bad that it had crusted over with a clear bumpy scab like substance. To me it looked like poison ivy and I began treating it as such.

Since Friday night the rash has continued to spread down his chest and onto his stomach. Last night, we even noticed bumps appearing on his arms and wrists. The areas around his neck and face are becomming more enflamed and raised.

This morning, Jo Ann (G-Ma Jo) offered to take him to the doctor to get the rash looked at. I thought that this was an excellent idea, and had figured that I would be taking him on my day off tomorrow; but since this thing is spreading across his face and around his eyes, I figured the earlier that we could get him in to see the doctor the better off he would be. I had been wishing all weekend that we could take him. Karen and I had considered taking him to the ER, but the rash didn't seem to warrant that urgent of a response. At least not at the time.

I'm hoping that this is simply a case of poison ivy, and that we will get a prescription for some stonger creme to apply to his skin and maybe a prednisone prescription for him to take to help his body to fight the rash. I'm going to meet Jo Ann and the kids up at the doctor's office at 1:20 PM, so I'll update later on what the results are.

09:31 am - O'Fallon Heritage Festival

Karen and I took the kids over to the Ozzie Smith sports complext last night, where the city of O'Fallon is holding the annual Heritage Fest.

We stopped in at Mc Donalds to have some dinner first, and the kids split a #2 Cheeseburger value meal along with some chicken nuggets. Karen had a #3 Quarter Pounder w/ cheese and I upped it one to a #4 Double Quarter Pounder w/cheeze. I'm not so sure if it was that I wasn't as hungry as I thought that I was, or if it's because I've been in such a funky mood lately, but I really didn't enjoy the hamburger at all. The salty fries were good, and my drink was cold and refreshing; but the sandwich could just as easily have been a patty of cardboard for all that I was able to enjoy eating it.

We headed over to the fair grounds and the parking areas just up the road from it. The lot was completely full. With both the fair and a Rascals baseball game going on at the same time, and the only thing open was the shuttle parking lots down the road. Those are fine, I suppose, but you spend half an hour waiting for the shuttle to come around, and about an hour at the end of the evening waiting for a shuttle to take you back to the parking lot.
We decided that the better option was to park at Jo Ann's house just 1/2 mile back up the road and walk it. About a block into our trek, Karen had an idea to have Jo Ann drive us all down to the fair entrance and drop us off. Then she could come back and pick us up after the fireworks were finished. Jo Ann said she would drive us, so we all piled back into the car, with me in the hatch back of the HHR, and headed off for the fair. We all piled out in the parking lot of the Phillips 66 gas satation across the road, and then walked the short distance to the fair grounds.

There were food booths and rides galore. The lights and sounds were as festive as could be, and everything from hot dogs, hamburgers, ribs, brats and funnel cakes could be smelled in the air. The sound of delighted squeals, oohs and aahs from people riding the rides could just be heard over the din of the bells and whistles of the carnival games. We had told Jack that we would ride the Ferris Wheel once we were at the fari grounds, and we made a bee line to see how much it would be and how long the line for the ride was.

Most of the rides cost 4 tickets (coupons) per person to ride, and when we got to the ticket booth we discovered that each ticket was $1. That meant that a 3 to 5 minute ride would cost us $16 dollars for the whole family; and that is for each ride. There were easily a half dozen rides that we could have taken all of the family on. That would have been $96 dollars worth of rides for all of us, or at minimum $48 just for Jack and I. Then there were the kiddie rides that Jack would have also wanted to go on, and they were all $3 per ride. I just couldn't see spending that much money on the carnival. It's not something that we can afford the luxury of at this very moment. So I told Jack that we would have to wait until another time, and we headed off towards the children's and family section of the fair.

Jack was very dissapointed that he wouldn't be riding the Ferris Wheel, or any of the other flashy fun looking rides. You could see his shoulders sink, and his face droop with the dissapointment. At one point he turned around and looked me straight in the eye and said, "you're the worst daddy ever." It broke my heart, and crushed my spirit, to hear him say that to me. Karen made him apologize for what he said, but he couldn't take it back, and it didn't make it any less painful. Maybe I am a horrible daddy. I sure felt that way right then and there. I wanted so bad to be able to take him on those rides. I tried to make myself not think about it and told myself, Maybe next year.

We made our way over to the family and kids section of the fair, and scored some free, iced down, bottled water at the first vendor booth. We then made our way over to the line for the giant inflatable slide. It is a favorite with both of our kids, but it ended up being a 15 minute wait just for the kids to go up the slide once and take one trip down. You know how kids are, they want to go right back up and do it again; which in this case would have required another 15 minute line wait. Try explaining that to a three and a five year old. So far, things were not looking favorably towards the Mullen family having such a great time for the evening.
There were several other inflatables, so we decided to head for another one that had a much shorter line. It was a pirate ship with a bounce section and a slide built into the bow of the ship. Kids were being able to get in and play for 3 minutes at a time. Not that long mind you, but better then going up and down one time per line wait. Jack and Delaney had a blast; running, jumping and bouncing all over the place. This was a little more like it.

After our turn there, we decided to walk around a bit and to pick a spot on the ball field for us to lay our blanket down. We were only about 50 feet or so away from the spot that we sat on for last year's fireworks.
Karen spotted some playground equipment on the other side of the fenced dugouts of the ball diamonds, and the kids asked if we could go over and play. While Karen kicked back on the grassy field, the kids and I went over to play in the last rays of light of dusk. By the time that we finished playing, and were headed back to the ball field, the lights to the sports complex had kicked on and had everything lit up like day all over again.

Jack noticed that a few of his friends from preschool were sitting just 20 feet or so from our blanket, and the kids set out to play chase, cops and robbers, and other games that involved running, laughing and joyful screaming. Squeals of delight could be heard from children all around, and those of my daughter were easy to hear and identify in my ears. The kids played all the way up until the time when they shut the lights off and started launching the firework shells high into the air.

As a cool breeze blew across the grass, we all sat with our eyes gazing upwards; with oohs, and aaahs coming out of our mouths with nearly every brilliant burst of light across the night's sky. Moments like these will live in the kid's memories for years to come, and I hope they remember them as especially good ones spent with the family. Delaney was a bit gun shy when the louder reports would come back from a big shell or two, but she watched with wonder and amazement right along side the rest of us. It was a good way to end an otherwise blah kind of day.

10:35 pm - Not ready to check out just yet

Today has not been a good day, and right now I'm only conceding the fact that i have survived this day and will wake to see another day tomorrow morning. Something that I was not thinking I would be doing just as recently as 4 to 6 hours ago. I was done. Ready to throw in the towel. I had gone completely numb, and sick to my stomach all at the same time. I was checking the life insurance policy and making sure that bills were paid out before considering checking out. Take my nightly dose of meds. Then take a few more nightly doses worth of meds, and a few more. Go to sleep. Good bye.

But then God does little things to remind you just why you endure the things that push you to the brink of sanity. Your daughter says "Daddy, I need you" and looks up at you with her pretty blue eyes and a quirky smile as she reaches up to have you hold her in your arms. Your son grabs you around the neck and squeezes extra hard as you hug and kiss him good night before he rolls over in his bed and says "I love you dad." Your wife looks at you with a genuine smile and tells you that "everything will be alright;" and even though you can't quite bring yourself to believe her, you go along with it anyway because it is what she needs to see and hear from you at that very moment.

Hopefully, tomorrow will somehow be better than today. I'm not sure how much more i can take. In the mean time, I've got three angels to help steer me straight when my mind is not thinking clearly.

08:08 pm - Writer's Block: Comic Instinct

08:53 pm - Writer's Block: RIP Michael Jackson