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PLEASE NOTE: Beginning with entries created after JAN 1, 2011, the majority of this journal is now "FRIENDS ONLY" and can only be viewed by mutually friended Live Journal users logged in to their own LiveJournal account.

My daily TWEETS from TWITTER, Writer's Block entries, and a few general updates will still remain public.

If you would like to READ MY FRIENDS ONLY POSTS, all you have to do is create a LiveJournal account, add me as a friend to your account, and then submit a Friend Request in writing via the email address below.

Email me at: ursasolus@hotmail.com Please take a moment to introduce yourself, and briefly explain why you would like to have access to my friend's only entries. Don't forget to include the username that I will need to look for in my "also friend of" list..

I'm not terribly secretive about my writing, I just like to know who is reading my Journal Entries, and the musings of my mind.

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My tweets

  • Sat, 22:52: #SNL Still waiting for you to do something, anything, funny. Choking, as usual. So sad.


My tweets


My tweets

  • Tue, 02:29: Since I haven't been able to get to sleep on my own, & it's too late for sleep pills, it's time to pull out the big guns. Time to pray.


My tweets


Aunt Flo? What are you doing here?

Aunt Flo arrived, quite unexpectedly, early this morning.

Dini's pre-teen hormones must have her travel schedule thrown out of whack, because she was not due to come visit Karen again for at least another 9 to 11 days.

Either that, or she just wanted to show up and ruin any romantic ideas we might have had for this weekend. Guess she was afraid that we might do something to ruin her 2:1 ratio of Aunt Flo visits to every one conjugal visit.

At least this explains why Karen was being so weird and snippy last night, when I took her shopping for Black Friday deals after I got off work. I couldn't figure her out last night.

A Friday night... a Date night... (By the way, she looked so good last night. Cute outfit, makeup, beautiful long red hair.... I mean, she looked GOOD. Had me so excited, feeling good, and turned on. Spent all night wanting to make out with her so bad.) We were out shopping and hitting some really great sales and deals... We both had a wonderful dinner (with dessert)...
But she kept getting really weird, and sometimes just downright mean. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. We should have been having a lot of fun, and by the time we got home I was downright exhausted and miserable.

Now, I know, it was all thanks to Aunt Flo.

I wish that Karen and Dini could get their cycles more aligned. You might say that I wouldn't want both females in the house ragging (raging) out at the same time; but the fact is that with them being on misaligned schedules, Karen's hormones are being thrown into a state of chaos. She is constantly moody and distant. She seems to swing between constant states of either being irritated or depressed. The hormone fluctuations are strong enough that they are overriding her happy pills, and I end up being the punching bag, hanging from a rope at the end of all that "mood swing" frustration that builds up inside of her.

I don't know how to compete with that. I'm trying to find ways to build and strengthen our relationship, and it seems like I'm constantly sabotaged by forces way beyond my control or ability to counteract. I can't win for trying. the closer I try to get to the love of my life, the further I feel like I'm being pushed away; and I don't understand why. What am I doing wrong?

I just want to give up. For right now, all I can do is sit down here in my stinky man cave and hide. I'd much rather be upstairs, sitting next to her, snuggled together in a blanket and enjoying each other's company. Or, at least some variant of that wishful thinking.

My tweets


My tweets

  • Sun, 20:51: Hey #charter I'm trying to watch the #AMAs but the #ABC signal in the St Louis area is coming across your cable all choppy and garbled. 😡


My tweets


My tweets

  • Sun, 00:44: "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." - John Adams
  • Sun, 21:23: Someone please kill Rick, then off Neegan already. This story line is boring the s××+ out of me this season. Losing interest fast. 😴😴😴 #TWD


My tweets

  • Fri, 10:20: @SenatorReid You, sir, are at the root, and a foundation block, of this nation's current problems. Just keep slinging mud. It's what you do.
  • Fri, 10:28: What a GORGEOUS Fall day! We need a lot more like this one. Sunny and mild.
  • Fri, 10:31: Happy Veteran's Day. Thank you to all who have put on the uniform, and sworn to defend the Constitution. Thank you for your service.


My tweets

  • Wed, 03:45: I'm SO tired, but my brain won't go to sleep. 7 AM is going to get here way too soon. Going to be a working zombie tomorrow. 😴😴😴😴


Trump wins. I hope we all do too.

Well. Today's roller coaster ride is finally over. I know that I will sleep better this evening. If for no other reason than the fact that I know I can once again watch TV, or listen to the radio, without hearing attack ad after attack ad.
I pray that this nation can begin a process of healing. The past year has been gruesome and vicious for all of us. Yes. ALL of us.

I've never been a big Trump fan. I have never been a Clinton supporter. I am happy that she did not win. I am hopeful that his victory will not be a disaster. Right now, that's all I can do. Pray, and hope. I hope that he keeps his promise to be a president for ALL Americans. I pray that we all can be a force to make him keep that promise.

While I am personally glad that Hillary did not win today, I hope that her presidential campaign inspires future young women to aspire to the highest goals they can dream of. I hope that I live to see a woman POTUS in my lifetime. Who knows, that could possibly one day be my daughter's job. (President Delaney J. ________ )

Now, maybe we can all get back to being civil to one another. I'd sure like to give it a try. I guess that's all up to each of us. I vote, yes.

My tweets

  • Wed, 01:04: @HillaryClinton Do the right thing. Help this nation begin to heal. Concede the race, and congratulate Donald @realDonaldTrump
  • Wed, 01:14: @johnpodesta Do the right thing. Let Hillary begin the healing process for this nation. Concede the race and congratulate Trump on a win.
  • Wed, 02:32: I hope that I will see a woman POTUS in my life. I know my daughter will. (Might even be her) But I thank God that the 1st wasn't Hillary.


Aunt Flo showed up to vote

It's difficult not to have a deep seated animosity towards a "woman" who makes house calls to your lover's va-jay-jay more frequently than you do. Especially when she gets to stay for 6 - 7 days at a time, and I'm lucky if I get a 10 to 20 minutes per visit.

Let's just examine the past several months:

JUN 27 - Aunt Flo week
JUL 09 - Me
JUL 22 - Aunt Flo week
AUG 15 - Aunt Flo week
SEP 11 - Me
SEP 12 - Aunt Flo week
SEP 25 - Me
OCT 10 - Aunt Flo week
NOV 08 - Aunt Flo week

I miss your Blonde, Angel Hair

I was looking at some photos that popped up on my "On This Day" app for Facebook, and was captivated by the images of you in your dark blonde hair. I loved all of the different manifestations of blonde that you had from mid/late 2015 through June of this year, including the near platinum blonde.

While looking at all of the various shades from over the months, I think I still really like this one a lot. If I could ever talk you into going back to a blonde, I think I would ask you to try a darker blonde, like your hair in these photos. It looks so soft and warm around your beautiful face. And the side swept bangs look so cute and pretty.

It is a very beautiful color and look on you.

1107151945a 1107151948a

My tweets

  • Tue, 05:41: I'd give anything for a big comfy bed & lots of blankies. My body hates me, it aches & my head has been pounding all night. I don't know why


What are you waiting for?

Its just a few days shy of two months since I told Katen that I think it is time for her to quit smoking again, and that she can cut my hair whenever she is ready.

For the past six months or so, she has randomly made comments that she is tired of smoking, and wants to be able to quit again. On more than one occasion, she has specifically said the wotds,"you need to hurry up and let me cut all your hair off, so I can quit smoking."

So, the thing that baffles me most, is that ever since the night that she asked me about the note I left on her pack of cigarettes, letting her know I am ready for her to quit; it seems as if she is smoking even more ever since that night. I dont get it.

Im starting to think that she doesnt really want to quit. She likes it too much, and I was a convenient excuse to justify why she is still smoking.

Yes, I still think it is sexy to watch her smoke. Its a huge turn on for me. But I am concerned about her health, and I worry about how much she is smoking. It seems she is out of control, and smoking way too much.

So, Im ready to help her quit. She just needs to pick a date, and we can go play out my barberette fantasy. She can shave my head. And then she can start trying to quit this habit once again.

Bubbie Bee, You need to quit smoking. Whenever you are ready to do that, I'll let you give me a haircut.

Ameristar Casino Hotel: December's Online Advance Reserve, Room Availability:

My tweets


My tweets


My tweets

  • Thu, 08:55: Hate it when Im having a really AWESOME dream, & have to wake up right in the middle of the best part. Wanna go back to sleep & finish it. 😴


My tweets


Hello Aunt Flo

Guess who showed up and ruined my night? Yep, Aunt Flo.

I've been trying to find time to make love to Karen for much of the past week, and keep hitting road block after road block. (I know, what's new about that. Absolutely nothing. Status quo in this "relationship.") Finally thought I had seen hope for an opportunity to spend some quality intimate time with Karen this evening, and come home only to learn that Aunt Flo beat me to the punch. So sad. Seems that is my fate in life. Always so alone, and sad.

My tweets

  • Wed, 02:36: Wish I could take a hot shower. Just slathered 1/4 of my body with Benadryl Anti itch cream. Praying that I can finally get some sleep.
  • Wed, 04:26: Some nights just suck. Finally stopped itching (for now) maybe I can squeeze in 2 hours of a nap before it's time t… https://t.co/e2J24sdTxg


Month 51

I guess Month 51 must be similar to Area 51, because it is a mystery to me as to how we've come this far and I'm still in the dark as to when, or if, anything is going to happen.

51 months have passed, since Karen proposed the deal of her being my Barberette for the three Summer months of 2012.

It has now been 21 days since I told Karen that I think she needs to quit smoking; so the window for her to be able to be my Barberette is possibly coming to a close sometime very soon.
Although, it seems that she has been smoking even more ever since I mentioned I thought she should quit. Just like everything else, she is bent and determined to do the exact opposite of anything I say to her. Give it a few more months, and the best way to get her to go back to blonde would be to tell her that I don't want her to ever bleach it out again. I might even get her to bob it, if I happen to mention that I now hate bobbed hair. I dont, really, but if I said it to her, I'm sure she'd be sporting a bob cut within the next month after I said I did. (Although, now that her beautiful long hair is red again, I REALLY do not want to see her cut it. I was excited about the idea of seeing her in a blonde bob, and even possibly going to the salon for a short, platinum, spikey, crop cut [or as Karen puts it, duck butt]. But not now. I want to see her darker hair grow all the way down to her butt.

I feel like I have been hinting, asking, and outright begging for her to be my Smokin' Hot Barberette, and shave my head again for 4 long years now. Which is probably exactly why she hasn't. That, and the simple fact that it would mean she would have to commit to having a regular, normal sex life with me once she has done the deed.

There are two main conditions required before I will consider cutting my hair:
1) Barberettes smoke. Smoke while cutting my hair and/or shaving my head, and smoke as part of sexual foreplay.
2) My barberette has to be willing to have sex with me on a regular basis; at least once a week, unless aunt flo is in town. If aunt flo is here, we find a suitable alternative intimate activity.

The original "promise" was to plan a special day, and date night, where she would dress up and give me a series of erotic haircuts; each one shorter and shorter, until I'm shaved completely bald.
Then, for the following three months, she would keep me bald and be my smoking barberette; razor shaving my head twice a week, and having sex at least once a week, for the duration of that three months.

I was hoping, that by telling her I thought she needed to start thinking about quitting smoking, early this month... That it would give her time to start thinking about when she might want to be my Barberette, and start the three months of shavings. Afterwards, we can get her a new vape, and get her back off of the cigarettes.

Like I said, that was my thinking. I have reached a point where I have absolutely no clue as to what she is thinking. Some days, Im not sure of anything at all anymore.

Like Area 51, it's a mystery.

My tweets

  • Sun, 06:39: FML, what a night. I just want to stretch out & get some real sleep. Right now, I'll settle for not throwing up, &… https://t.co/yWu4sMWzGQ
  • Mon, 00:00: It's a cool 78F outside, & a gentle sprinkle of rain is falling. A steady Northern breeze is blowing in the trees. Fall has just arrived.


Ursasolus Tweets

  • Sun, 10:44: Finally had an empty house w/o kids. Me: Thinking we might actually have an intimate moment (10-15 min?). Her: Wanna go to Wal-Mart, and...?
  • Sun, 22:01: The BEST feelings in the whole world are the ones shared with you! ❤❤❤❤❤ https://t.co/vvIoTVFmVX

The entire world could be crashing all around me, but an intimate moment spent with the love of my life makes everything all right again. I just wish those moments came along a little more frequently. Maybe life wouldn't seem to suck quite so much.

Ursasolus Tweets

My tweets

  • Wed, 00:34: Treated myself to some tasty mint choc chip ice cream earlier. Yummy. But not a smart choice for someone fighting bronchitis like symptoms.😞
  • Wed, 00:43: Yummy ice cream + pre-existing congested cough + known milk allergy = No Sleep; because this idiot can't breath, or stop coughing. SMH 😕😢
  • Wed, 03:19: 😶
  • Wed, 08:10: Have I told you how your voice is my favorite sound, your name is my favorite word, and your hugs & kisses are my favorite part of the day?


Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired.

I'm now on day 6 of having this cough and congestion.

At first, I thought it was just a symptom of not being able to breathe deeply enough while sleeping at night, and then not being able to fully clear my lungs during the day. The pain in my ribs (I'm still convinced that I cracked them on the 4th) was just too much to let me take the kind of deep breaths I needed to fully expand my lungs. My right side still feels bruised and tender, but the sharp pains have ceased, and I don't get the stabbing feeling when I try to sit up or lift anything over 10 pounds.

But what ever cold it is that settled into my lungs during those two weeks just won't let go. This past weekend was brutal. I pretty much slept the entire weekend away. Wake up, take meds, drink a little tea or juice, lay back down, and sleep. Repeat. I know that I was running a slight fever on Saturday, but I don't feel feverish now.

Once I cough up most of the thick green snot that builds up while I'm sleeping, I start to feel a little better. As of right now, I have absolutely no nasal congestion with this cold, although I get a bit of a runny nose when I have a coughing fit. But my eyes water then as well, too. Most of my coughing throughout the day is from a constant feeling of a tickle in my throat, from all of the irritation caused in the morning. Occasionally, a gob of junk wants to come up.

This afternoon, I spent most of the time sucking on some Halls honey and lemon cough drops. I went nearly 4 hours without a single coughing fit.

When I sat down to take a nap this evening, after dinner, I could hear my faint wheezing. The junk is still in there; and as I slept, it built back up thicker. Now, I'm coughing up green goo again. I need to find some cough drops, and go take some meds before laying back down for the rest of the night.

If this doesn't start clearing up in the next couple of days, I'm going to have to make a visit to the clinic. Watch it be my luck that I've got a case of bronchitis, or the beginning stages of pneumonia.

I can't afford to get sick enough that it causes me to miss work. I was fortunate that my bout of exhaustion hit the hardest on Friday and Saturday. I was able to rest and re-energize for this week. I definitely cannot afford to get either of the kids sick.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick, and tired.

I've been fighting this sinus and coughing bug since the middle of last...

Posted by Dwight Mullen on Monday, September 19, 2016


My tweets


Hello, Flo

Aunt Flo showed up this morning, but I don't care. It "rained" last night. 😃
Ha! I got there first, this month. So take that, Aunt Flo.

My Tweets


My Tweets


My tweets : The Long & Short of it.

  • Fri, 22:53: At KJM's 25 yr HS Reunion. Been 5 yrs since I cut my hair short. I've had 5 separate ppl tell me they are glad I grew my hair back long. LOL

Ladies go cray-cray over my long hair, and I get compliments and attention all of the time because of it.Sadly, I get more flirts from ladies at work, and out in public, because of my hair, than I get at home from the lady I most want attention from.

And, the most ironic thing about it all, is that the thing I desire and fantasize about most, is to get special attention from my wife as she cuts and shaves it all off.

I'd love nothing more than to have Karen tease and flirt with me; and I know how much she loves short hair on a guy. I would like to be on the receiving end of that appreciation.

The sexiest, most romantic and intimate, situation I can dream of would be to have Karen plan a special date night where the end of the evening culminated in her playing the part of my Barberette and then making passionate love to me after she has cut all of my hair off.

Put on some leather or vinyl, light up a long sexy cigarette, and then take the scissors to my hair. Send these long locks falling to the floor around me. Then blow a long, white stream of smoke into my face as she plunges the clippers into the hair at my forehead and repeatedly runs the hungry blades from front to back until my head is left with nothing but soft fuzz. After lighting up another long white cigarette, she would follow up with the beard trimmers and reduce the half inch fuzz to nothing but stubble. Then it's time for the shaving cream and MACH 3 razor. My barberette will keep smoking and shaving until every last hair is gone, and my head is completely bald.

60 Days into the Drought


It has been 60 days since I last had any sort of intimate relations with my wife.
My entire life is starting to feel like a lifeless desert.


I am in a state of pure agony this morning. From head to toe, at least some part of my body along the way, is in pain.

My ribs, along the right side, are still very tender and sore. As a result, my movement is very slow and deliberate. I feel like a sloth stuck in slow motion.

My neck is stiff and sore this morning.

My left SI Joint is flaring up, and it makes walking a tedious and painful task. As usual, it is affecting most of my left leg, and makes my lower back throb across the hip/pelvic bone above my buttox (gluteus medius).

I've got a splitting headache on the right side of my head; extending from my sinus cavity, the upper portion of my face and orbital socket, and reaching up and over my head to just behind my ear.

But I think that is a secondary reaction to the worst pain I am feeling today.
Normally, I feel no pain or discomfort from the broken wisdom tooth on the upper right side of my mouth. But today, it is very sensitive and tender.

A couple of days ago, I finally managed to remove a couple of pieces of popcorn hull from around this same tooth, and a molar below it on the same side. It took me nearly a week to get both of the hulls out, and my teeth and gums on that side of my face are super sore and sensitive as a result.

I know that I am eventually going to have to break down, ang go have my teeth fixed. If the pain and tenderness in this wisdom tooth doesn't go away in the next 24 to 48 hours, that will be much sooner than later. Regardless, it is becoming more and more apparent that my teeth issurs are affecting my overall health and quality of life. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that they are a triggering factor behind my headaches and elevated blood pressure.

I currently have 4 broken/cracked teeth. (listen in order of occurence)
  • upper right 3rd molar (wisdom tooth)
  • upper left 3rd molar (wisdom tooth)
  • lower left 2nd molar
  • upper right 1st molar

    I am just so tired, and exhausted, from dealing with the constant pain throughout my body.
    I know that taking steps and actions to improve my health and fitness (like exercise and weight loss) would greatly reduce many of my pains; but the same exercise I need to do to get there, currently makes the pain levels more frequent and greater in intensity.

    Even increasong my walking, while beneficial, hurts so very much when I do it in increments large enough to really do any good.

    And I know the dental work I need is going to hurt. Not to mention be much more expensive than I can stand to afford. Both of those have been driving factors nehind why I have put it off for so long. Not to mention my very real, and intense, phobia of dentists and needles.

    Right now, I'm just praying today's pains will subside. I've taken 800 mg of ibuprofen, and 162 mg of aspirin. I would take more, but I don't eant to risk damage to my internal organs.God only knows what the daily pain killer usage is doing to the rest of my body.

    Posted with LJ Mobile App
  • My tweets

    • Mon, 11:07: The Fall TV season will be here in just the next few weeks. My DVR is 55% full. I'm trying to watch, and clear, as much as I possibly can.
    • Tue, 03:11: OUCH! 😩 Just woke up with painful muscle spasms & cramps in my rib cage & back. I'm trying to go back to sleep, but I just want to cry. 😭


    A few minutes ago, I went out to where Karen sits in the garage to smoke, and marked a "no smoking" symbol onto the outside of her box of Marlboro light 100's cigarettes. I did it in black sharpie, so there's no taking it back.

    Karen has said, on more than several occasions, that she is tired of smoking, and that she wants to quit again; but that I am one of the main reasons that she continues to smoke. She is implying that she smokes for me, more than for any other reasons that she has on her own.

    I'll admit that I find it very sexually stimulating to watch Karen smoke. It really is a major turn on for me. Especially as a part of foreplay, etc... But those moments seem to be farther and fewer in between instances these days.

    • Story Time: Karen rarely invites me out on her smoke breaks. Maybe once or twice a week at the most, if I'm lucky. So that's not really smoking because of me. That's smoking because she wants to smoke.

    • Intimacy (aka sex): In order to have foreplay, you have to have something else that comes after it. Since we only have sex an average of once every 60 to 90 days, she can't say she's smoking because of sex.

    • Barberette Fantasy: Karen has mentioned that she keeps smoking so that she can fulfill my Barberette fantasy, for when she cuts my hair. Well, I've been asking her to make that happen for over 4 years now; and my current hair length is testament to that not happening. There are dozens upon dozens of entries in this journal, detailing when, why, how, and oh so much more about me wanting her to be my "Smokin' Hot Barberette." (You don"t even have to read every journal entry to find them. Just click on the Barberette tag, and start reading. But she has ignored my requests, pleas, and begging. She refuses to so much as check in and read my journal even just now and then.)

      She will say that she hasn't cut my hair for me because I always say I'm not ready. The only reason I have said I"m not ready, is because the Barberette fantasy is the ultimate form of foreplay; and as I mentioned above, you can't have foreplay when there's no "play" to come after it. You can't expect me ro expose the most erotic, sensitive, and vulnerable aspect of my sexual psyche to you, when you ignore every single other facet of our intimate lives together. It doesn't work that way.

      I'm not going to have her cut all of my hair off, just for the sake of cutting it off. Shaving my head is not a "bucket list" item for me. Aside from the erotic factor in the simple act of shaving... Giving my hair to her is truly a two way gift of love; and is a symbolism of the trust, commitment, and intimacy between us.
      Currently, we have trust and commitment, but there is no intimacy.

      When I am convinced of Karen's commitment to improving the level of intimacy in our relationship, she can do ANYTHING* she wants with my hair. I would gladly give it to her in a heartbeat. (*Cut it, bob it, buzz it, or shave it. She could even bleach or color it, or give me Brad Pitt's haircut from the movie Fury. I wouldn't care, as long as I have her devoted love and an intimate relationship with my wife.)

      But, I'm not some toy to play with once, break, and then throw away; and neither is my hair. I'm not some dog that you can pat on the head as you come in the door, and ignore the rest of the day, and expect that I will come at your whim. Other people pat me on the head too, but it's you I want to roll over for, and show you my belly while I bury my nose in your lap or kiss your face. But I'm left laying on the floor, patiently waiting.

    So, if all of the reasons that I would have, for wanting to watch her smoke, aren't actually happening on a regular basis, who is she really smoking for?

    I do enjoy getting to watch her light up and smoke when we are out and about together. It's sexy to be in the car, and watch her. It's a guilty pleasure. Especially when she blows her smoke at me, or catches me watching her, and she makes sure I want to keep watching.

    But I don't find it sexy to see how much she is smoking every day as part of her habit.. She is currently smoking about a pack per day. That really worries me; and the concern for her health outweighs the turn on factor that I get from any of the above mentioned scenarios.

    So, I have decided to remove ME as a factor in this equation. If she is thinking she can't quit because I don't want her to, or because I'll throw a pouting tantrum, that's all out the door. I just told her that I think she should quit.

    What happens next is in her court.

  • If that means Karen wants to make plans to cut my long hair off, and shave my head, I'm fine with that. I can live without my long hair. I can't live without my sweet Karen by my side.

  • If that means Karen just quits smoking, and doesn't even mention giving me an erotic haircut first; I'll eventually be fine with that too.

    Either way, I just want to make sure my Bubbie is happy and healthy. I want to spend the rest of my life with her; and even though she drives me to the brink of sanity most of the time, I'd prefer that will be for a long, long time.
  • My tweets


    My tweets


    I finally got around to finding a free moment to stop by the salon to get my hair trimmed up. It's the first trim I've had (other than self trims around my ears, and running the #3 clipper guard up my sideburns when I trim my beard) since June 3rd. I have been looking pretty unkempt lately, and it has been driving me crazy.

    Just the other day, Karen offered to trim up my neck line for me; but I have to be honest, I don't trust myself to let her near my head with clippers in her hand. You read that correctly. It's not that I don't trust her. I don't trust myself.

    When you have been waiting for over 4 years for someone to take the initiative to do something, the urge to nudge them along can be pretty strong. I would probably fake a sneeze, and push my hairline into the clippers; leaving her no choice but to finish. But I know I would end up being mad at myself, because giving into an urge, in the bathroom, is not the way I want something that life changing and dramatic to end up happening. (besides, there's no smoking in the house. at least not with the kids at home.)

    At around 4 PM this afternoon, I logged onto the Super Cuts reservation app on my phone, and scheduled an appointment with Denise at 5:15 PM. As soon as my shift was up at work, I clocked out and headed out the door. With it being just a trim, on a Tuesday evening, I knew I would be in and out.

    Denise was waiting for me, and took me right back to her chair. We made small talk, about how our Kids' Summer's have been going, while she caped me and got out her trimming clippers. She refastened my ponytail high up on my head, and just before she took the clippers to my neck line she asked, "clean it up and a baby trim all over?" I said, that sounds good.

    She took all of the undercut hair at my neck line clean off to the skin. Nothing but stubble left behind as little tumbleweeds of hair rolled off of my shoulders and down the front of my cape to my lap. Until that moment, I had no real concept of just how long all of that hair had gotten. It must have looked worse than I realized. The clippers felt so good on the back of my neck. They tickled and teased the nerves at the back of my head.

    Then it was time to outline up and over my ears. She then took out a comb, and started using clippers over comb to clean up the undercut above and around my ears on the right, then left, sides of my head. Even though I had trimmed around there a few times myself, there was a lot of hair coming off from the areas that I just can't reach and see, when trimming on my own.

    She finished off the sides with her scissors, before lightly wetting down my hair to comb out the length and trim the ends.

    Fifteen minutes later, I walked out feeling much better. She had pulled my ponytail back nice and tight, and smoothed out my hair with some "silky smooth" hair moisturizer. The frizzies were gone, even though the humidity outside was near 90%. My sides and neck looked neat and tidy. Much, much, nicer than when I had walked into the salon.

    Karen noticed my haircut, after I had been home for a bit. At first, she seemed like her feelings were a little bit hurt. I surmised that she felt that way because she had offered to trim my hair, and I had then had it done at the salon instead of letting her do it. Like I mentioned before, it's not because I didn't want her to do it. I would LOVE for Karen to trim my hair, and MUCH more. It's me that I don't trust right now.

    I haven't been able to keep my hands off of the short stubble at the back of my head.
    My undercut goes about an inch into my actual hairline. It's the easiest way to keep it looking nice and neat, when pulled up into a ponytail (that is, when it's trimmed up). The short stubble feels SO GOOD! I almost wish that more of my head was shaved like this, so that I could run my hands over more of the sensitive scalp beneath my hair.

    Right now, there is a part of me that would give almost anything to ask Karen to shave my entire head completely bald. To have her sit me down in a chair, then light up a cigarette and blow her smoke into my face, just as she plunges the clippers into my hair at the center of my forehead. I want to feel her warm, soft, hands running across the sensitive, bare, skin left behind by the vibrating clippers. To feel her long, red, fingernails lightly scratch as they run against the growth of the stubble left behind on my head. I want to taste her smoky kisses, as she lathers my head up and shaves me smooth with a fresh MACH 3 razor.

    But, alas, all of that is nothing more than a mere fantasy. A hopeless dream.

    I've been begging, and pleading, and asking her to do just that exact thing for just over 4 years now. The details, and scenarios (dozens of them) spelled out right here in the pages of my journal. (If you doubt that, just click on the "barberette" tag at the bottom of this entry, and see for yourself.) But she won't read a single word of it.

    So, I'll just keep my fantasies in my head. Write about my needs, wants and desires in the pages that only I care enough about to read. And I'll pull my hair into a ponytail, and wait until it's time to go get another trim.

    Maybe it's better that way.

    My tweets


    Can I make out with you? NO

    Can I make love to you? NO

    Could you tell me a story? NO (not only do you tell me no, you scream at me)

    Can I touch you? NO

    Could you please touch me? NO

    I could have found a roommate at any time in my life. I would rather have a WIFE. A PARTNER. Someone who not only loves me, but wants and desires me in return. Every time I hear that "NO" (regardless of how it is said, or the words used to say it) another piece of me dies inside. Another hole pierces my heart. Another bad memory haunts my mind at night to fuel my insomnia. Another brick goes into the wall that I build between us, to shield me from the hurt and rejection.

    I'm certain that the next time you need something from me, I'll hear your sweet voice calling... "Honey, Sweetie, Putle, or Pute Pute." And like the trained dog I've appatently become to you, I'll eagerly come running, eager to please. I'll get a hug, a kiss, and maybe a long hug or pat on the back. But if I dare let my gaze linger longingly a moment too long, or I initiate a tender touch that implies my desire for you, I'll receive some sort of reaction that will communicate the all too familiar "NO."

    I love you with all my heart, and I know you love me too. Every day I reaffirm my choice to love you.

    I am still glad I married you, and will be faithful to you till the day I die. I wouldn't change that fact. But I honestly could never have believed that when I heard you say "Yes," followed by "I Do," that it would eventually lead me to living a life repeatedly filled with the word "NO" every time I need and want physical intimacy with you.

    Even worse. A life where a "yes" comes only after days, weeks, or months of begging; or because you feel obligated, or guilted, into it for whatever reason. Then you either "give it up" or tell me its time as you sulk towards the bedroom as you tell me "come on, let's get this over with." I hate hearing those words come out of your mouth. They hurt almost as much as hearing "no;" because it feels like I'm forcing you to do something you can't give to me on your own.

    I would like for you to honestly ask yourself the following questions: When was the last time you initiated any kind of sexual contact with me? When was the last time you touched me? (Not the last time you let me touch you, or the last time you let me have sex with you. But, The last time you reached out with your hand, and intimately touched me.)
    When was the last time you showed me that you wanted, or desired, me?

    Ursasolus Tweets

    • Sun, 00:31: Was gonna snuggle up & stay the night in bed, but didn't want to be an inconvenience, or make you uncomfortable. Sleep well my love. Night.

    Ursasolus Tweets

    • Sun, 00:31: Was gonna snuggle up & stay the night in bed, but didn't want to be an inconvenience, or make you uncomfortable. Sleep well my love. Night.

    My tweets

    • Sun, 00:25: Had a pretty good day. Spent the whole afternoon with KJM watching movies & doing stuff around the house. Almost finished all my day's goals


    50 Months

    Just in case anyone is still keeping track, it has now been 4 years and two months since someone promised to be my Fantasy Barberette.

    That equates to the passing of:
  • 50 months
  • 216 weekends
  • 1,521 days
  • 36,504 hours
  • 2,190,240 minutes
  • and about 30 inches worth of hair growth. 22 inches of which are still on my head, waiting to be played with and sheared off.

  • But whose counting?

    003 New Do_Chop 02 (blu)
    I still want my Blonde Bombshell Barberette!
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