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PLEASE NOTE: Beginning with entries created after JAN 1, 2011, the majority of this journal is now "FRIENDS ONLY" and can only be viewed by mutually friended Live Journal users logged in to their own LiveJournal account.



My daily TWEETS from TWITTER, Writer's Block entries, and a few general updates will still remain public.

If you would like to READ MY FRIENDS ONLY POSTS, all you have to do is create a LiveJournal account, add me as a friend to your account, and then submit a Friend Request in writing via the email address below.

Email me at: ursasolus@hotmail.com Please take a moment to introduce yourself, and briefly explain why you would like to have access to my friend's only entries. Don't forget to include the username that I will need to look for in my "also friend of" list..

I'm not terribly secretive about my writing, I just like to know who is reading my Journal Entries, and the musings of my mind.



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My tweets - Fitness Update

My tweets

  • Wed, 16:08: How I spent my lunch break today: Fast walk, 36 flights of stairs, finished with an 8 min run. Total dist 1.61 miles, burning 349 calories… https://t.co/e9ngd8Q2Uc


My tweets

  • Wed, 00:47: Made the mistake of dozing off at 7 PM & can't get to sleep. So I went for a quick 1 mi. jog, & am starting a 3rd load of laundry. Time to 😴

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My tweets

  • Tue, 11:37: One thing I know for sure, I'm crazy about my girl; even on days when she drives me crazy. I wouldn't trade her love for anything else. ❤💖❤ https://t.co/V2S3djQnyj

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Weekend Box Office: Top 3

For the Weekend of 02/10 - 02/12/2017

    #1. LEGO Batman : $55.6 MILLION

    #2. Fifty Shades Darker : $46.8 MILLION

    #3. John Wick : $30 MILLION

Well, I did my part for the top two movies, even though I only got to actually see one of them.

LEGO Batman was a very fun and cute movie. The kids loved it, and I enjoyed that it followed along with the characterization of batman that was originally introduced in The LEGO Movie.

While there is never a full crossover between the LEGO World and reality, the story even continued to elude to the Great Void under the (table) City of Gotham; very much the same as when Emmet fell out of the LEGO world and into the Human World on Finn's Lego table, in The LEGO Movie.

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My tweets

  • Sun, 12:04: Well, I guess "some" sleep was better than none at all. Just have to avoid taking any naps, so that maybe I sleep tonight. Yeah right. https://t.co/WvHBGCMbPQ
  • Sun, 14:34: At the movies with the kids to see #LegoBatman. Not the movie I had planned to see this weekend, but at least the kids are happy #daddytime


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LEGO Movie - Daddy time with the Kids

I took the kids to see the new LEGO Batman movie this afternoon.
(Yep, the same one that I had originally planned to have one of the grandmas take the kids to see, while I was supposed to have been out on my date night, last night.)

It wasn't half bad. I wasn't quite as thrilled with it as I was the original LEGO Movie, but I loved that they stayed true to the characterization that they created for Batman in the original movie.

I dozed off a few times during the middle of the movie, but I got the over all gist of the story line, and saw all of the major character developments.

The crux of the movie centers around Batman's (Bruce Wayne's) inability to let anyone get close to him, because of the tragic events of losing his parent's when he was a child. Everyone has to be kept at an emotional distance, and his cocky attitude is a direct result of his inability to let anyone know that he might care for them. It's all an emotional wall, and a show, to get attention and gratification in life; while at the same time pushing away any needs for any real and personal relationships.

"Who needs "Family" when you have riches, adoration, and fame?"

The kids and I each got a large soda, and then shared a giant tub of buttered popcorn. The popcorn may have been a mistake. Delaney has been complaining of a tummy ache all afternoon, and my stomach is feeling a bit woozy as well. Too much butter and oil, on an empty stomach, maybe.

The kids really liked the movie, and had a great time.

My tweets

  • Sat, 14:07: 49 days into my fitness program, and I have lost 20 pounds on #Fitbit. (Total weight loss to date: 21.4 lbs) https://t.co/YBF3Yy00L7
  • Sun, 06:30: Ooh yay! (sarcasm) The sun is coming up after yet another night of insomnia. Please, Lord. I pray for at least a few hours of sleep. 😶😴😫


My tweets

  • Fri, 15:33: 120/77 HR 60 I haven't lost any additional weight this week, but the daily exercise and… https://t.co/yVdTtOrpW4
  • Sat, 00:38: Q: What do you do when everyone is in bed, & you can't sleep? A: Go for a 3 mile walk/run/walk. Now I'm ready to settle in and go to sleep.


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My tweets

  • Thu, 12:51: I climbed 50 flights of stairs, in a single day, and earned the Lighthouse badge! #Fitbit (46 were consecutive) https://t.co/s5PE5LImSc

  • Thu, 23:13: Delaney's 5th Grade Science Fair Project report & presentation (our final one, ever) is finished, and ready to be turned in tomorrow. 😄
  • Fri, 08:45: The line to get into the car loop was over 1/4 mi long this AM. Usual 5 min drop off took 25. https://t.co/uU4xl8Z3V6


Ignored... Again. :-(

Yesterday afternoon, I sent the following text message to Karen.
I had been thinking of her all day, and my heart was over-flowing with love and passion for my wife. All I could think about was my desire to share my thoughts and feelings with her in that moment. To flirt with the woman I love and desire.

Now, maybe I'm confused here, but the last time I checked it is customary for a person to at least give some sort of response when someone is flirting with them. Especially when the flirt is coming from your spouse. When that person is someone who loves you. When that someone is a person you claim to love.
But I got no response at all. Not when she finally read the text later that evening (we were sitting together, along with our daughter, in the living room when she saw it on her phone), nor at any time after that.

I finally worked up the resolve and courage to ask her about it earlier today, and mentioned that she had never responded to my text. Her only response was "what response was I supposed to give?" "I guess none," was my only reply.

What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? Why doesn't my wife want me? Why does she deliberately ignore me, and my needs for her? How can she be so cold to me when all I do is pour out my heart and soul to her over and over again; in spite of the constant rejection?

I'm really starting to seriously question why I bother at all. At anything. What's the point?
I'm dying inside, and my heart is going cold; and she doesn't even care.

      Monday 3:19 PM

      "I want to taste your kiss, and feel your soft lips on mine."

      "I want to breathe in your scent, while I kiss your cheek, nibble your ear, and nuzzle my face at the base of your neck."

      "I want to feel the beat of your heart, as your body presses hard against mine."

      "I want to feel the silkiness of your sexy long hair, as I wrap it around my fingers and use it to pull you closer to me."

      "I want to hear the quickness of your breathing, as I move inside of you; focused only on you and your pleasure in that loving moment."

      "I want to lay by your side, as I hold your glorious beauty in my adoring arms; and let you fall asleep in the glow of our love."

My tweets

  • Mon, 10:56: I ate way too much good tasting, but bad for me, food last night & over the weekend. I feel like I need to hurl then go back to bed & sleep.

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Damage Control

Well, it looks like I'm only out of pocket the movie tickets: $34 + $3 for the two tickets and handling fees. Movie tickets are non refundable. I'll ask around work to see if anyone wants them.

Cancelling the hotel room was simple enough, and nothing was charged to my credit card.

I still hadn't completely ironed out the rest of the details for baby sitting for the evening. So there's no one else to explain anything to, or to cancel plans with.

Just my dignity, pride, sense of self worth, hopes, and feelings.

Um, Bell hop. I think I'd like to check out now.



This is about much more than just a stupid movie; or even another instance where my thoughts and feelings were not even a passing thought for consideration. It's about more than the fact that my plans for a valentine's Day date night are now thrown out the window and ruined.

What this situation says to me was: Seeing a movie (specifically intended and marketed towards male/female viewing couples***) with the "girls" is more important than any thought given to the fact that I (her husband) might have wanted to see a sexually provocative movie with her.

She specifically made a point to tell me this last night. She made it clear, in no uncertain circumstances, that she DID NOT want to see this movie with me. I was not to buy tickets to this movie and ruin her "appointment" with the girls day at the movies.

WHY? because the very thought of sharing anything intimate or sexually related with me sickens and repulses her. (AND... EVEN if that statement is not true, that is EXACTLY how it feels to me)

BTW: Thanks for informing me of this revelation, with only one week remaining before the movie's opening date. I now have absolutely NO TIME adequate to change plans and come up with something else for next weekend. The whole theme was planned around this movie opening.


That logic would explain:
why she ignores my attempts to flirt with her. Why she changes the subject, and goes leaps and bounds out of her way to ignore and avoid acknowledging me when I am initiating any kind of action or conversation that might later lead to an intimate or sexual encounter.

If I mention anything sexual, it is as if I have become invisible and ceased to even exist. And once enough of an awkward pause has elapsed the subject is artfully changed to avoid further discussion entirely.

Well, guess what. Ignoring my needs and desires for is no less a rejection than just saying no. In fact, it hurts even more, and scars me worse than anything else she could have said.

(***The marketing firm, and the producer, for this movie stated that the opening date was timed to release the movie the weekend before valentine's Day, in order to directly target the Valentine's Day Date audience. Specifically married and dating couples. Husbands and wives, and boyfriends and girlfriends.)

I give up! - It was all for nothing.

RANT TIME: (CAUTION - Raw Emotional Dump Ahead!)


It was ALL a complete and utter waste of time. Three and a half weeks of getting no sleep. Three plus weeks of pushing myself to stay up reading at all hours of the night, to digest all that unrealistic bull shit and nonsense. To read two books about a couple of half developed characters in primal heat for one another; having meaningless sex every 10 pages. Fuck!... the majority of the first 192 pages of the second book (50 Shades Darker) only covered a time span of about 5 fucking days (Friday after work to Tuesday morning), and I swear Ana and Christian must have had sex at least 3 to 5 times each of those days.

I read about more sexual encounters between these two completely unrealistic characters in those first two books than Karen and I have had in the past 8 years of our marriage. And just how many "foil packet" covered condoms does Mr. Grey keep in his deep pockets at any given time? really? I mean, really? OK! we get it. He put on a condom, or she rolled one onto him. Fast Forward to some real story content.

But all of that is beside the point. None of that makes one fucking bit of difference. It doesn't matter that I spent over three weeks torturing my mind and body to read 50 Shades of Grey and 50 Shades Darker. staying up super late on a Sunday night to be able to watch one of the only showings of the first movie on Cable; all so that I could be up to date on the story and movie plot, so that I would be able to discuss it with Karen in preparation of the second movie.

NONE OF THAT MADE ONE "BIT" (Insert string of cursing here) OF DIFFERENCE AT ALL! DOESN'T MATTER, OR COUNT FOR SHIT!


WHY? YOU ASK?



Because just a few hours ago, as a TV ad for the '50 Shades Darker' movie played on TV, Karen tells me "Just and FYI. I have an appointment to see that movie at 4 PM next Sunday."

I wanted to FUCKING scream! I wanted to look her in the face and scream "I HATE YOU!" (a raw emotion which I felt at that moment, but couldn't say it because I wouldn't actually mean it).

I'm not even mad.
I should have known better when I first set out to try to do anything even remotely thoughtful or romantic; or had the impulse to try to plan ahead to do something special with my own wife. Seriously! I should have known better than to give it even a second's thought. I wish I had never even bothered. Things NEVER fucking works out. NEVER!

I should have known better than to think she would have any interest in seeing this movie with ME, her own "husband!" Seriously, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.
This entire movie, even with the whole Leila psycho woman, and Elena (aka Mrs. Robinson) sub plots, is nothing more than an indulgence of sexual fantasy; and as WE HAVE ALREADY PROVEN, I am the farthest from Karen's mind when it comes to anything intimate or sexual. So, why would she think of me when this movie comes out? No. When it comes to anything that could be considered sexual, or intimate, or even remotely romantic.... I am dead last in Karen's thought process to be considered someone to share that experience with.

So NO. I'm not mad. I'm plain and simply CRUSHED!
But fuck! That's nothing new, is it?

I should have known I would be at the bottom of the list of persons she might want to go see this movie with.

I want my three and a half weeks of lost sleep back! I want my fucking life back! No, that's not accurate. I simply want a fucking life. One where someone, anyone, gives a shit about me. Maybe one where at least a portion of the devotion, loyalty, and desire that I have for the other person is returned in kind.

It's becoming painfully obvious that I will never get that in this relationship.
I can't be mad about that. It's the broken record played over and over again, and if I'm too stupid to keep listening to it over and over, simply because my heart won't let her go, then I deserve the shit that gets dumped and piled on top of me time and time again.

The LOVE of my life doesn't see me in the same way that I see her.
Where I desire her more than the very air I breathe, and want to find any excuse to put her first in every aspect of my life; she does not even desire me in the slightest. I am merely a ghost, a shadow. The background noise that lingers in a passing after thought of something else more important.

I'm numb.

I just don't understand how we got to this point. Apparently, I also don't understand how to change things and fix it. Each time I think I have a way, or dare hope to try, I am crushed and ground ever further into the ashes of my hopes and dreams.

I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep at night. So tired of feeling so all alone. So tired of having my hopes lifted by the beautiful sound of her voice, the occasional hug and morning kiss; only to have that be the fullest extent of her affection towards me. I'm just so tired of feeling angry with her when she tells me she loves me, because I feel so much hatred for myself and my existence feeling that any love being offered to me is always limited and conditional.

I'm just so tired, period. Tired of living.
I will NEVER leave the woman I love, and would be devastated beyond my ability to even imagine if she ever left me.

I just don't know what to do. I can't live, and I can't die. I just exist in a constant state of hellish purgatory What sin did I commit to end up here?.

- 11:45 PM ADDITION -
(I'm laughing right now. But it is a sad, self loathing, pathetic laugh. The kind of laugh that comes from a person that is truly broken, beyond help, or even logical comprehension.)

I sit here a broken "man." What I feel right now hurts so bad. I am crying so hard I feel like I could vomit the bile from my wrenching stomach. The words I have typed gushing from frustration and lonely heart ache. Desperation, and fueled by the stupidity of my refusal to accept the defeat of my love for her.

I hate myself. Knowing that I will wake tomorrow, and choose to love. That I will not so much as utter a word of any of this to her, and instead swallow it like a sour poison that I know will not kill me, but leave me feeling bitter and sick inside.

I can't help myself but to love her with every fiber of my being. So, I vomit my pain here, so as to not spoil her excitement to go see this movie with (I don't even have a clue who she is going to see it with).... ___________ ? Probably the "fab 5. The girls plus Matty. Sure, take the gay guy to a movie about unbridled passion between a fucked up guy and am annoying naive girl.

In spite of the agonizing hurt I now feel; I'll peel back the armour, and tear down the wall I have built around my heart, and I'll expose the most tender and vulnerable part of my self to her... knowing full well that maybe even before the very next ay is through, she will pierce it yet again, and most likely stomp it in the ashes of the last pyre my spirit was torched upon.

I can't help it. My love for Karen Chambers Mullen is that strong, and I refuse to let it go; no matter how much I already know it means I will be hurt again and again. Anymore, I can't even explain why. I just do. So, I deserve my pain, because for some idiotic reason, I still cling by the quick of my fingernails, that it will someday get better. that somehow it will change. That one day, it will not hurt anymore.

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The Game is Underway,... (ADULT CONTENT)

... and the Play Clock is Ticking.


The advance sale movie tickets are purchased for the FIVE STAR Lounge at Des Peres 14 Cinema, and the Movie "After Party" Room has been reserved as well.

I know I had said that I didn't want to ever go to the Ameristar Casino again without it being a special date night that Karen had planned special for me; but most of the other hotels in St Charles County have gone smoke free. This room is a little more expensive than I had wanted to spend, but I hadn't thought of the hotel idea until just a few weeks ago; and in order to have gotten the cheaper advanced booking rate, I would have had to booked the hotel room over a month ago.

But I'm really excited. This is going to be a very fun and exciting night, and probably the most AMAZING Valentine's Day Date (albeit 4 days before Valentine's Day) I've ever planned.

I've already finished two of the letters that will go into her Valentine's Cards for this special evening; which is separate form the Valentine's Cards I got for the 14th.

Since we will be at the Ameristar again for the first time since 2010: In true 50 Shades of Grey copycat fashion, I have even written up a couple of fun little contracts for Karen to read (if I get time, I'll type them up. but first, I have to finish reading the 2nd book) and negotiate the possible terms of her possibly giving me a haircut while we are there.
I've starting packing several fun kits for us to play with in the hotel. We'll have two Queen Sized beds to use (one for play and the other for sleeping), but I don't think we will get very much sleep until way late Sunday morning. {{{WEG}}}

  • Contract #1: Among other things, sex at least one night a week, etc...

  • Contract #2: (optional) Terms under which she may cut my hair, and shave my head.

  • Fun Kit #1: Blindfold, Paddle, Soft Flogger, PVC Gloves, Wrist Restraints, Ankle Restraints, Male PVC Thong, Male Camo Thong, Female Black Satin Thong.

  • Fun Kit #2: (To be packed later) Hair Clippers - 2 Sets, Corded Mini-Clippers, Cordless Beard Trimmer, Hair Scissors, MACH 3 Razors, Shaving Cream, Shaving Brush, Scented Shaving gel, Virginia Slims 120s Cigarettes (one pack).

  • CAMERA KIT: Mini DV Camcorder, Canon Powershot S2 IS (5mp), Canon Powershot A3100 IS (12mp), GoPRO Hero 3+, and one tripod.
  • FASHION KIT: (to be packed later) Latex Rubber Dress - BLK, Blue PVC Dress, PVC Stockings, Sheer Thigh High Stockings, Domme PVC Ball Gown, Walmart Special Blue Satin top, Leather mini skirt.

  • Fun Kit #3: BOB's (Adult Toys and Batteries), and presents (I bought some games for us to play, that we can also use to play with friends at a later game night.)

  • Relaxation Kit: 12 pack of Bud Select Bottles, assorted Shots.


I would much rather have had Karen keep her original Barberette promise, and for HER to have been the one to have scheduled a special haircut date night on her own; but if I wait on her, I'll be dead by the time she ever gets around to it. So I'm keeping my options open for it to happen that night. There is a very good chance that I will walk into that hotel with a long ponytail, and leave with a shiny smooth head. I may only have 10 more days to admire and enjoy my long hair. (I'm Nervous)
Nothing says I HAVE to cut my hair that night, but I will have everything we need, and be prepared in case it goes down that path. I think I would kick myself in the butt if I had another shot at a room at the Ameristar and didn't take advantage to live out the fantasy that has been playing out in my mind for nearly 7 long years now. It has been almost 10 years since the last time my head was shaved bald.


The only thing left to do is figure out which mom is for sure able to watch the kids, and then finish packing up all of the items we can have fun with at the hotel. I think I'll start dropping hints about our night of Fun and Adventure this next Monday.

50Shades_Tickets_02-01-2017 50Shades Hotel Res

My tweets: 15 pounds lost so far

  • Tue, 18:56: I lost 15 pounds on #Fitbit. It has been a fun 38 day journey, so far; and it's still the beginning of the new year… https://t.co/VytxiXDRMd
  • Tue, 22:42: Out on a late walk, time to get one more mile in before going to bed. The air is crisp, & I can smell wood smoke like a scout campfire 🔥❤😊.


The Game is afoot

Plans and schemes are in motion, and this year's Valentine's Day date is going to be extra romantic and fun. In fact, I am going to enjoy it, along with Karen, so much, that I may have to count it as part of my birthday celebration for the month. {{{WEG}}}

Just got off the phone with Des Peres 14, and have confirmed that the movie I plan to take Karen to see on Saturday the 11th will in fact be showing in their 5 STAR Lounge. I have to wait until Wednesday for their website to update, and for the advanced lounge tickets to become available for pre-sale.

I think the timing is going to work out great too. I'm almost finished with reading the second book; and none too soon, I want to start sleeping at night again, and not passing out from exhaustion right after dinner every night after work. I can tell that Karen is starting to get annoyed that I come home, eat, fall asleep, and don't get much done around the house to help out. But it's all going to pay off in just 12 days from now; and if I finish the book by the end of this next weekend, I can start making up for it in the days just ahead of that weekend.

So, tickets are in the works. I've set up a reminder to remind me as soon as they go on sale.

I am going to have to do some research on hotel arrangements for the night. I don't want to go to Ameristar, because I'm waiting for Karen to decide to make an effort to schedule when/if that special night ever possibly happens; and I don't necessarily want to go back there until it does. So I figured I would book the Drury Inn. But they have all gone to Smoke Free environments, and what fun is a 50 Shades themed hotel stay if I can't indulge in one of my most intense turn-ons as part of the festivities. This may prove to be a challenge to find something close by. I'll get back to that later.

The final piece of the puzzle will be to arrange for the kids to spend the night with my mom. The Lego Batman movie comes out that same weekend. I think I'll bribe them by having Mom take them to a movie that same night.
I thought about asking Jo Ann to just come over to watch the kids at our house, and she could also take them to the Lego Movie, but I don't want to risk letting this surprise out of the bag. (Guess it's a good thing neither she or Karen reads my journal anymore. In the case of Karen, that's an often frustrating, yet sometimes helpful situation).

By this coming weekend I should have more of these details hammered out.

Now, to do that hotel research. {{{{Excited grin from ear to ear}}}}

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I thought I was going to have to actually buy a copy of the movie on DVD in order to be able to watch this movie in time for when 50 Shades Darker comes out next month; but I got lucky and found in listed on cable in our Premiums On Demand, and the 31st is the last date it is available for viewing.

Before I get into my review of the movie, let's quickly talk about the book(s); since I also just finished power reading my way through the second half of the 1st book and, the entire 2nd book, '50 Shades Darker.'

Why? Well, because the 2nd movie comes out in another couple of weeks, and I know Karen is really going to want to see it. I want her to know that when there are things that she likes, that I can be interested in them too. So, I needed to be up to date on the story, so that I'm not completely clueless while we are watching the movie.

Getting through the rest of the first book was a bit difficult. I still found it rather unrealistic in regards to the underlying "theme" hinted at by "Fifty Shades;" and, well, it was a bit boring. The second book proved to be a bit more interesting; with the introduction of the scorned ex plaything of Christian gray's, and the backstabbing "Mrs. Robinson" mistress from Christian's teen years. It was still all a bit odd and weird, but reading though the 2nd book was easier.

The whole time I was reading these two stories, I had a mental picture of myself and Karen for the main characters. I guess interjecting the two of us into the swirling love story, to try to put it into perspective. In some ways, their story parallels some of our own twisted story.

Like near the end of the first book, and into the first portions of the second book, there is an emotional conflict for both lead characters; where she feels the two of them will never work, because she knows he "needs" something from her that she believes she will never be able to give to him. Meanwhile, he is so in love with her, that he is willing to try to set aside a core part of his sexual identity to try to win the love of the woman who has captured parts of his heart that he never realized could feel the way that they do.

So, there's all of that.
THEN it was time to watch the movie. Fortunately for me, it has been showing on cable, and was available On Demand.

Aside of the obvious fact that the wrong actors were cast to portray the lead characters in this film (Seriously? Dakota Johnson? Ewww!), the hardest part of watching the story unfold was when the placement or order of various scenes were swapped around for dramatic effect. Like the ending. They cut off half of the final chapter, by having her melt down as she gets into the elevator. They leave off the internal turmoil that she is contemplating in her head; between her love for the man she wants, and her fear of never being able to be the woman she fears she would have to be in order to have him be able to love her. There is so much that is left off of the ending of the movie, that it leaves me wondering how they will fit it into the beginning of the next movie in a way that doesn't leave the audience feeling cheated by the deeper story threads that tie the two books together in the adjoining chapters.

I guess I'll just have to wait to see how it all plays out when we go see the movie. it comes out at the theaters next month on the 10th.

But the movie disappointed me in other ways as well. Beyond the typical "the movie is never as good as the book." And all of the interlocking sub plot stories, that made the book at least palatable. The movie seemed to cheapen and degrade the story of Christian and Ana to nothing more than a freak show on display for an anonymous voyeur, hoping to satisfy their curiosity about the kinkier, non vanilla, aspect of sexual gratification. The love and romance is hinted at, but takes a back seat to the circus paraded in front of the camera lens. The difference between the book (which was hard enough to swallow at times) and the movie was as stark a difference between a Romantic Comedy and a NC-17 after hours Showtime skin flick acted out by comedians.

I really didn't like the way they ended it with her screaming at him, and then getting on the elevator as the credit began to roll. But that wasn't the worst part that came from watching the movie.

As the credits began to roll, the tears began to roll down my face. The story, and comparison between the book and movie had got me to thinking and analyzing the character dynamics; while thinking about the parallels of my own life's story. But ultimately, that wasn't what turned on the tears.


the hardest part to swallow was realizing that Karen liked this story, and had invested time in watching the movie for what it was. A sexual intrigue or thrill. She found it interesting. Stimulating. Like the recent series of "Fat girls do it... __________" stories that she read last month. (I read some of them too, just from curiosity.

We never have romance, intimacy, and sex in our own marriage and relationship. But she has invested time in reading about in in these stories. Whenever I have gotten the courage to risk being pushed away , ignored, or out and out rejection, and have asked her about sex and romance, I get a standard answer that starts with "If only you would do __________"
  • Come to bed early
  • take me out now and then
  • Come upstairs once in a while
  • Make it quick/don't take so long
    .... or any number of dozens of other excuses that she has given to me over the years that pan out to be nothing more than that. Excuses.

    When I point these things out, she defaults to the final word on the subject: "I just don't want or need sex. I could go without it, and never think about it."

    Well, the fact that you have invested this much time reading about it says she is a liar. The TRUTH and FACT is, she doesn't want or need sex with me. She never thinks about sex, or intimacy when it comes to me.

    That realization hurts, and it cuts very deep.


    I know that my wife cares about me; but if she truly cared for me, she would devote time and effort into meeting this need for me. I know that my wife loves me, but she never takes the time or initiative to make LOVE to me. And one, without the other, make both seem empty and hollow.

    I would gladly prefer a regular love life to all of the instances of cooking, cleaning, laundry, or other things that seem to take priority over me in this house. It doesn't matter how many hot meals I've eaten, when my heart and spirit are starving.

    So, like I do on so many other nights, I sat there watching those credits roll, and I cried.
    And like the gullible, loyal to a fault, husband that I am.... one I was done crying, I latched onto a slight sliver of HOPE.

    I thought back to the reasons why I took the time to cram reading a book and a half of "Fifty Shades of..." over the past two weeks.

    Because, just as I did when I first bought the books for her back in JUNE of 2012 (yeah, the month of broken promises) I have hope that maybe going to see the movie together when it comes out, and being able to discuss the story and plots with her, might.. JUST MAYBE (fingers crossed), MAYBE, will make her take some interest in me, the way she has shown interest in these books and stories.

    Might I be lucky enough to catch the coattail of her interest and get to have a foot in the door to her love life? Might I be able to spark an interest in her, that would have her have the same kinds of desires and feeling for me. that I have for her?

    Like I said, I can only hope. I guess we'll see in about two weeks.

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    • Thu, 15:33: Dearest Karen. My heart sings at the sound of your voice My body thrives on your intimate touch My soul drinks the sweetness of your love.❤
    • Thu, 17:11: KJM, I want to come home and make out with you SO much, right now. Growl!!! ❤❤❤🔥🔥🔥❤❤❤
    • Fri, 09:37: Good morning, Gorgeous. Hope you enjoy your day off, and the peace & quiet of having the house to yourself. Love you bunches. xoxo 😘😍❤
    • Fri, 11:53: I wish I were at home, snuggled under the sheets with you. Holding you close against me, with my face nuzzled at the base of your neck. ❤💋❤
    Last Friday, the whole family made a trip to SAMS Club out in Wentzville, and I was actually able to use the Rest Room without it first being closed off for an hour. It cracked me up that this was the first time, since we got our membership last May, that I have walked up to the Men's Restroom on a Friday or Saturday night, and not found it closed for cleaning.

    As I was walking back to meet up with the family, I took a quick detour through the pharmaceutical and personal hygiene aisles. I like to check out the prices on my deodorant, and also check to see if there are any price deals on MACH 3 or Gilette Fusion razors. A secret part of me harbors a fantasy in the back of my mind, that I'll come back to our cart to find that Karen has put a 12 or 18 pack of razor blades into our shopping cart; and when I ask her who those are for, she will give me a sexy sly grin and say something like "going to need a good supply of razor blades if I'm going to be able to keep that head of yours soft and smooth."

    I've been playing similar fantasies over and over in my head for over 4 1/2 years now, and nothing even remotely close to that has ever even entered her thoughts. But, yet, I still dream and fantasize. I guess that's all it will ever be. Just a hopeless fantasy.

    Fuck! She hasn't even so much as touched me in years (I don't mean the act of letting me have sex with her, after I've begged for weeks or months on end. I mean, TOUCH ME. The act of using her own hand, of her own motivation, to reach out and take hold or make physical contact with my sexual organs - either mind or body.) Every intimate encounter we have is a direct result of my own initiation. Usually from begging, or guilting her into "giving it up." (A term that she uses, and that destroys my heart or sense of self worth every time she says it.)

    So, what in my fucked up "50 Shades" of a sex starved mind would ever lead me to believe she would EVER take the initiative to instigate any sexual encounter, or fantasy, with me? I guess it all comes back to a misguided sliver of hope that refuses to let go . One last spark of light in the back of my mind, that is just too stupid to go out and grow cold.



    Anyway. As usual, I'm off on a despairing tangent with this whole line of thought. Back to the moment at hand.


    As I rounded the last end cap in the personal hygiene aisle, I saw the holy grail of head shaving razors. A 14 pack of MACH 3 disposable razors for only $20.

    In all of the years, when I was blessed to have my wife desire me enough to be my sexy barberette, there was no other razor that could shave a head as smooth, and with as simplistic ease, as a Gillette MACH 3 razor. Granted, the replacement blade cartridges can get a bit expensive; but each replacement razor would keep me silky smooth every day, for at least a full week before starting to get too dull to take to my shiny scalp.

    I was tempted to pick them up and carry them to the cart. I grabbed my phone and snapped a quick photo of the package and display, and was even more tempted to text the photo to Karen with a caption that would read, "Wanna test a theory that 14 razors could keep my head smooth for at least three months?" The thought turned me on so quickly that I almost had to make another visit to the men's room. "Clean up in pant leg 2," I chuckled to myself. But then the thought of me once again having to be the one to "beg" and ask for the fantasy killed the moment almost as quickly as it nearly came in my pants.

    Still, I kept thinking about it for the rest of the night. Then, the next time I resumed my current reading marathon of "50 Shades" in preparation of next month, the idea of "50 Shades of Bald" popped into my mind.


    I have absolutely no idea what Karen has planned for my birthday, but I know it falls on a Friday this year. And I've been dropping hints about the Ameristar Hotel get away idea for months now. Heck, I'll even fork over my own money for the room, if that's the hold up.

    Anyway,... it occurred to me that my birthday weekend could possibly turn into one very sexy, fun filled, and busy weekend. We already have the Bon Jovi concert on Sunday the 19th. that much is a given. But with 50 Shades Darker coming out the weekend before, maybe my birthday could be a "Dinner and a Movie" date night with just Karen and I, and then get a hotel room for some role play fun.

    My current plan is to take Karen to see the movie on its opening weekend,... but now I'm second guessing that plan and thinking I should go ahead and plan it for my birthday weekend instead. I'll have to start feeling Karen out, to see if she might already have plans in the works for that weekend... or, I might should just play it safe and stick to my original idea. (???)

    Even though the possibility of the above mentioned scenario is about as impossible of a fantasy as any could get, the hopeful prospect of starting off a sexy weekend with an erotically stimulating movie then and carrying that momentum back home for my usual birthday sex, is potentially awesome. Maybe that would be the catalyst for Karen to actually initiate sex for a change.

    Just the thought (HOPE) of Karen initiating touching, or sex, makes my heart soar. I'm not sure that I would even know how to handle that. It's been so long, I have forgotten what it feels like to be desired. I'm always on the sending end of that communication, with no signal coming back from the other side.

    I'd give anything in this world to have Karen long for me the way Ana Steele longs for Christian Grey's touch. There used to be a time when her eyes lit up with desire and passion. When her lips quirked up in a sly and devious smile at the thought of what her words or touch could do to me. A time when she wanted me to want her, and it made her happy to see my desire for her love and affection.

    Now, there is only the cold void of her disdain anytime that I even broach the subject. Anymore, all I get is a responding sneer or smirk expressing her disgust at the mere thought of anything sexual with me. It pierces and pains me so deeply that I often wish I could will myself to lay down and die. My spirit is broken. I am an empty hull of the person I used to be, or ever hoped to be, with her. Living in the shadow of her constant rejection is painful in ways that I cannot even begin to put into words.

    Thinking back to the book what could possibly be so devastatingly horrible that could make Christian Grey not be able to allow a woman to touch his body? I am unable to fathom that. I would do anything in the world to have Karen want to touch me. In fact, I've nearly reached a point of such intense desperation to be wanted, desired, and touched, that the mere thought of any woman showing me that kind of attention is starting to become a temptation that I fear I one day will no longer be able to resist. Even more terrifying, is the thought that I could possibly Ever get to a point where I would no longer want Karen's touch, and instead would actually prefer that it would be someone, anyone, else besides her. A thought so terrifying to my mind, heart, and soul that the mere thought of it has me crying even now. Yet, that is where she is pushing me with each passing day, week, month.

    I no longer feel like a husband to my wife. I am nothing more than a mere roommate; and possibly an ever more inconvenient one, at best. She recently asked me why I never come to bed, and this very fact is the answer why. I don't feel that I belong there, and the times that I have tried to come and lay beside her often prove to be too painful to allow me to sleep once I do. I want to come to bed; but I need to be invited, and I need to be wanted there. But first, I simply just need to be WANTED.


    I have to stop typing now. It's time to pop a sleep aid pill, and cry myself to sleep. No late night reading tonight. Maybe I'll just slip away in my sleep, and won't have to think about any of this tomorrow. I want her so bad, and I need her to want me even more.

    Good night.

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    The worst part is that she has pushed me so far away, that I fear I am beginning to reach a point where I no longer want or desire her at all. The needs and desires still exist. But what happens if I reach a point where I no longer feel those needs and desires for her? What do I do then? That possibility scares me, and breaks my heart. I never, in my worst nightmares, ever believed I could even entertain thoughts of feeling that way. I have vowed that I would never cheat or disrespect my wife. I would rather die first. In the mean time, I'm starving emotionally and dying internally.

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    Aunt Flo is here, and I don't care

    Aunt Flo decided to show up last night, sometime before Karen went to bed.

    So what! I can't even get myself to care anymore. They can have each other for all I care. I don't even remember what my wife's Va-jay-jay looks like anymore.

    It's been two whole months since we last had sex, and at least four since we last actually Made LOVE; if that's what you can even call it at this point in our marriage.

    Hah! Marriage? Can I really call it that? Yes, we both still care for one another, and love each other; but it has been a very long time since we had anything resembling a marriage. We're basically nothing more than housemates with kids.

    I can't even remember the last time Karen touched me, or initiated sex. Oh sure, we kiss and hug. She even initiates those. We snuggle; if by "snuggle" you mean lay down together so that she can fall asleep 5 minutes later. And, if I'm lucky, she lays down on the bed long enough for us to fuck about 4 or 5 times a year. Occasionally, when she's not too busy talking about everything and anything other than what we are doing at the moment, she participates enough for it to be considered making love.

    So, why should I care that Aunt Flo has showed up?



    But I have hope. It can change. Things can (will) get better. (I've been saying that for years, but I have a plan, and this year will be the year it changes) Right this second, I'm just jealous and bitter.

    Key words: Read, Be Romantic, Get Healthy, Lose Weight, Woo my girl again.

    BTW, I literally have just pages (less than I have digits on my hands and feet) to go on my secret reading project. OMG!

    I wish I could share and discuss with Karen, but I still have the second book to read, and a movie to watch first. Don't want to spoil the surprise, and have all of these long sleepless nights be for nothing.

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    Running on Empty - So tired. (so excited)

    I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I think I've only averaged about 4 or 5 hours of sleep over the past couple of nights, and I'm starting to run out of juice.

    I wish I were a faster reader. It doesn't help that I keep falling asleep mid page, and then have to re-read what I just finished reading. It would also help if I could just get more engrossed into the story line of this first book. So much of it just seems so absurd. I have to admit that I am not making as much progress as I had hoped to.

    I may lose my mind, and go mad, by the time I finish both of these two books. From a combination of the the story content, and from the pure lack of sleep. But it will all be worth it in the end.... I hope.

    Some of the writing style is cracking me up. The constant "Mr. Grey, Miss Steele," as the two characters attempt to speak 'formalese' to one another in their own cute way. By the end of this venture, I may have to resort to calling Karen "Miss Chambers." But, I can't very well have her call me Mr Grey, and I haven't yet figured out a suitable code name for myself.

    Maybe I should draw up a contract of expected behaviors and activities, and see how Karen responds to that. Um, nope! the last time I did anything remotely close to that, she completely shut down on me and reneged on her promise to be my Sexy barberette for the Summer of 2012.

    Maybe, instead of a spanking, or random BDSM fantasy; I should blindfold her, tie her wrists together, and give her the first snips of that short haircut she said she wanted to get back last June. I love and adore her long hair, but if that's the key to getting her turned on, it might just be worth it in the end. And... of course..., I would gladly let her return the favor in kind.

    Is that the key? WHAT is the key?

    I keep asking myself:
  • What is it about this story that so intrigues her?
  • How do I find the answer to the secret puzzle, that will help me unlock Karen's libido again?
  • What does this story have that I am not providing to her?
  • Why can't Karen want me the way Ana wants Christian?
  • Better yet, why can't Karen want and desire me the way I want and desire her?

    A part of me is getting hopeful, excited, and incredibly turned on by the prospect of possibly figuring that out; and it is killing me that I have to wait another 3 whole weeks to take her to see the movie (50 Shades Darker) when it comes out.

    Which reminds me. Dang it! I have to hurry up and finish reading this book, so that I can find a copy of the first movie and watch it. I'm almost done, and then I can also start reading the second book) I want to go to sleep so bad right now, but I'm behind on my projected page count for the day.

    I'm too excited to sleep. It has taken me 17 days to get this near to the end of this book. I have to finish it. Karen is going to be so surprised. The only reason I can stand the wait is because I still need time to read.... OMG! this is nuts. LOL

    I guess I'll sleep when I die.

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    • Wed, 12:02: Got a whopping 3 hrs 46 min of sleep last night. Started the day just fine, but the power drain is quickly catching up to me. Need a nap. 😴

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    • Tue, 15:31: I survived 26 hours without my cell phone. My replacement phone was just delivered, & now my apps and data are downloading from the cloud. 😌

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    Sick Day: Time to put the time to good use.

    With as sick and tired as I was last night, I called in and took a day off of work. I also scheduled off for tomorrow, just in case I don't still feel well.

    My body hates me; but I realize that it is just reacting to how down and blue I have been feeling lately. When you are depressed, and constantly feeling sad and rejected, the rest of the body picks up on that and lets its guard down as well. I suppose it was just a matter of time before I came down with some sort of funk. Besides, a good portion of it has been self inflicted. A person cannot inflict this level of continuous sleep deprivation onto one's self and expect that the body won't fight back.

    See my Phone? It's DEAD. At the moment I am very bummed out about the fact that my phone died today. I woke up from a mid-day nap at around 2:30 PM, and started reading Facebook and email on my phone. The screen just "blipped" and went black, then it wouldn't turn back on. It's not even quite two years old, and I've never had a single problem with it since I got it. I took it up to the Verizon store to have them check it out, and they think that a recent update accidentally erased the operating system's boot sector. They ordered me a new one, and it should either arrive tomorrow or Wednesday.

    It has been a Productive Sick Day: But the day wasn't a total loss. I have a little less than a month until Valentine's Day, and at the end of that same week is my birthday (Friday FEB 17th). A couple of weeks ago, I saw a TV trailer AD for the next installment of the 50 Shades movies, and it reminded me that the movie comes out just before Valentine's day. I've really been down in the dumps about the lack of any sort of sex life in my marriage lately, and I'm thinking to myself, "maybe this could be an opportunity to spark a little interest and intimacy from Karen." I know she is going to want to see the movie. I think she rented the first one when it came out on DVD; and I know she has read all of the books. I bought them for her when they first came out in 2012.

    A.) I missed an opportunity to share her interest in the books when they first came out. I barely made it through half of the first book back in June of 2012. Around that same time, I was upset and pouting about the whole "pool for a barberette" fiasco; which never happened beyond getting the pool. B.) I missed a second opportunity when the movie for the first book came out, and I didn't take her to go see it. C.) Then a third opportunity when I didn't watch it with her when it came out on DVD.

    Well, I quickly decided that I'm not passing up another opportunity (there will not be a D.) to jump start her libido and capitalize on her obvious interest in this story series; so I about a week or so ago I started all over again (from the very beginning) by re-reading the first 50 Shades book. Hopefully, I can get through both books, and figure out a way to watch the first movie, before the second movie comes out. I'm not a speedy reader, and don't have much free time during the day. I'll have to squeeze my reading time in on nights after my shows, and when everyone else is in bed.

    I plan to be all caught up on the first two books, and find a way to watch the first movie, in time to take her to see the '50 Shades Darker' movie for either a Valentine's Day date, or my Birthday Date night (unless she happens to have other sexy plans for my B-Day weekend).

    As I illuded before, I don't read as fast as Karen does. Apparently I don't read nearly as fast as I remember myself reading in the past. I'm out of practice, and tend to doze off a lot. (To put it into perspective... The last Felix and Gotrek book that I read took me about a month to get through all 450+ small print pages, and I actually love reading those stories)
    I fear that this may still take me at least another couple of weeks to get through both books. I've been at it for over a full week now, and am still working on the first book (which I had already read half of back in June of 2012).
    And, as I mentioned, since the only time I will have to read THESE books (no way I'm carrying them around with me to read on breaks and lunch) is in the evenings, after everyone has had dinner or gone to bed, I'm going to be burning the midnight oil for a while to get through them. Both books are 500+ pages, and not exactly big print either. I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to catch up on sleep. LOL

    But, in the end, I'm hoping it will all have been worth it.

    Maybe it will give us something in common (sexually) to talk about and explore. maybe something in there will give me some clue as to how to spark some interest within her again. I know she has an interest in sex. She's been reading a series on "Big Girls Do it..." for the past couple of weeks. So, even though she tells me she has no interest in sex, I know that what she is really saying is that "she has no interest in sex, with me."

    Maybe I can figure out a way to change that. Maybe I/We can figure out something that piques her interest in me again. Maybe something in these books (Both the 50 Shades and Big Girls Do it...) will give me some clue. Maybe seeing the new movie together will spark an interest in something we can share together.

    I certainly hope so. We haven't had sex since November 24th, and that night really doesn't count. We didn't make love that night. It was a mercy quickie, because I begged after pointing out to her that we hadn't made love in over 60 days. Well, we are quickly approaching another 60 just a week from now.

    I CAN'T continue to simply exist in a relationship with no intimacy. I can't continue in a marriage where I feel like I'm nothing more than a room mate that shares parental custody of our children. I NEED A LOVER, and I NEED that LOVER to be KAREN.

    So, with that said, it's time to end this entry and get back to reading. Maybe I can get at least another 50 or so pages read over the next couple of hours.

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    SNOW DAY!

    No, this is not a Friday the 13th joke of any sorts.

    The weather forecast is calling for a major ice storm, that will come in three waves of freezing rain, and last all weekend long. Some areas to our South are already seeing sleet and freezing rain collecting on the bridges and overpasses. MODOT has asked everyone to stay off of the roads, and held several meetings with local schools and businesses last night, asking them to keep people home.

    My work actually called a full-fledged, all local sites closed, Snow Day. We've had delayed start times, and even early release days due to snow or ice before; but closing for the entire day has only happened twice in the 21 and a 1/2 years that I have worked there.

    And, it couldn't have been better that it happened on a Friday. Three day weekend for me, and a four day weekend for the kids.

    I'm not going to lie, I needed this snow day, and this go nowhere, lazy day, weekend. I have been struggling really bad this past week. The Winter Blues have taken a death grip hold on me since the New Year, and this past week hasn't exactly helped much.

    I feel like I'm so off my game that I'm tripping over my own shadow at every turn. I feel so lonely, that I don't even want to have to spend time with myself. Every time I reach out for a lifeline, I'm simply banished back to my hole in the basement.

    Maybe I can use these days to catch up on some much needed rest and sleep. Finally clear some of the shows off of my DVR and get it back down under 50% full capacity. Find some time to sneak in a snuggle with Karen, or possibly something more.

    I shouldn't get ahead of myself. Just take the snow day for what it is, and go back to bed for now.

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    • Thu, 06:10: So TIRED! Something (???) woke me @ around 4:35 AM, & I've been sitting here trying to go back to sleep for nearly 90 min now. 😴 Need Sleep!
    • Thu, 06:14: Finally ready to doze off, but there's ONLY 56 min until my alarm goes off to get Dini ready for school. NOT GOOD. So tired. So sad.😢 Need 😴
    • Thu, 07:20: https://t.co/kIVlcNHcfd

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    • Sat, 21:11: BP 134/88. I guess this proves that a change such as trying to eat right, & starting any amt of exercise can have positive results. 13 days+

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    • Thu, 01:21: It looks like a shaken snow globe outside. The falling snow has brought a muted hush to the night, and you can hear the snow as it lands.
    • Thu, 01:54: Alarm goes off at 7:10 AM. I've got to get some sleep.😴 Even if the kids end up having a snow day, I still have to shower & go in to work.

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    I've been off of work Since Christmas, and tomorrow is my first day back after 11 days of vacation. It's going to rough enough as it is, but even worse if I don't get some sleep. I've been staying up WAY too late the past few nights, and not getting nearly enough sleep. I'm starting a bad trend, right in the middle of starting my new healthier me trend.

    My new Fitbit has been helping me track daily exercise, calorie intake, and water consumption. It also helps me track my sleep patterns; and for the first 9 days that I had it, I was making sure to get all of the required sleep that my body needs. I think getting proper sleep will be crucial in helping me lose weight and feel better.

    Of course, I've been sabotaging my own goals the past couple of nights. Not really intentionally, because I don't want to get the sleep I want and need; but yeah, intentionally because I have found something else that is hogging time away from Mr. Sandman.

    On Monday, I saw a TV trailer for the next 50 Shades movie that comes out the middle of next month. So, in order to catch up on a series that Karen has already read, and seen the first movie for (which I haven't,.. yet).
    I'm starting over in the series, with the first book 50 Shades of Grey, and spent way too much time last night reading late at night when I should have been asleep. It's the only time I have that I can read, and not risk being caught or being interrupted. Two nights in a row now, my reading sessions have extended well past 1 and 2 Am in the morning; and unfortunately I'm not making very speedy progress.

    I've gotten out of the habit of reading books on a regular basis. Used to be one of my favorite pass times. Well, this is not exactly my usual style, or genre, of book. That's making things seem a bit sluggish, but the end goal and result should be well worth it. I'm glad to have found something erotic and somewhat romantic, to lead up to sharing an interest in the story with Karen. It has given me several ideas for a date night and activities do together at around Valentine's day. That's all I'll say about that at this point, so as to not give away any specific plans or details.

    Back to other news...

    So, yeah. I'm well into my first week using my new Fitbit Charge HR. I LOVE IT! Probably one of the best presents I've ever gotten, and practical too. I know I'm only one week into the new routine, and I'm probably driving Karen and the kids nuts with it; but I have serious hopes to getting healthier this year. I've already dropped a lot of quick Holiday weight, and it is encouraging. If only I can stick with it long enough to make the new changes a regular habit. That will be the real challenge. They day it takes at least 21 days to form a new habit; well, I'm 1/3 of the way there so far.

    I'm so excited. By the time that Summer gets here, I could be in a healthier body, looking good again. Maybe I'll slim down enough that Karen will actually want me again. :-)
    Heck, right now, I don't even want me. I look like a 50 year old pregnant man. When I look into the mirror, and see my profile, even I'm so disgusted that I don't want to touch myself. No wonder she doesn't.

    But that all changes starting now. I'm going to get sexy again, for my Bubbie Bee; or I'll kill myself trying. Either way is a win win in my eyes.

    So here's wishing the best for a New Year:

    • Healthier me (eating right, getting blood pressure under control)

    • Skinny body (losing at least 30 to 40 pounds)

    • Stronger body (daily exercise)

    • SEXIER ME (getting Karen to want me again, and having sex more than 4 times a year - I'm shooting for at least 4 times a month)

    • More ROMANCE and intimacy (Maybe sh will return some of the flirts and romantic gestures that I send out)

    • Being happy again (Both of us)

    Here's to a better, happier, 2017

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    • Wed, 01:54: Ugh! Can't sleep. 😞 I'm plenty tired and ready to sleep. Just can't get my brain to turn off long enough to let the rest of me get there. 😴😭

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